Jen and the City

Is Hank Moody Goin Down This Season On 'Californication'?

2012-01-31T12:20:00.000-08:00

The whole premise of the show is around Hank and his inability to accept the consequences of his actions. We love him because he is this person we wanna be at times - irresponsible. But this time the arrow hit hard and deep. Will Carrie's harsh but psychotically passionate words roll off Hank's exterior, as he just shrugs off the pain like drops of rain. That raincoat named Karen and Becca doesn't seem to be so waterproof anymore.

Hank seems to influence everyone in his inner circle. Charlie is his best friend, and when we were first introduced to him, he was an anchor for Hank, getting him out of jams and smoothing over the rough patches. As we all know, bad behavior is learned through attention, whether it be bad or good. Charlie's little happy marriage with Marcy started failing because if the attention Charlie got from hanging out and acting like Hank. It never seems to be either of their fault when the plot turns down a bad path, with the excuse of 'it just happened' or 'I don't understand women'. The inner circle Hank relies on to ground himself, has broken up and isn't as strong as it was, obviously of his own doing. His safety net is full of holes and he may be down a similar road to his demise. He may not be saved from drowning this time.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

Where Is My Hank Moody?

2012-01-18T17:24:00.000-08:00

I'm not looking. I always say, looking, expecting, pushing the issue, will come to nothing in the alien land of love. I have had a recent overdose of one man, albeit a fictional character, but he has managed to pinpoint certain past and present experiences in my life. I have stayed consistent in my love affairs, always a most obvious flaw in the material that makes each man an attraction to no end. Always the damaged material to keep me sufficiently entertained. The fictional character is Hank Moody of Californication craze, the role immortalized by David Duchovny, a flawed character himself. It has been questionable whether he is even acting, reports of his sexual addiction broadcasted on every page of the Internet and garbage celebrity tabloid.

I recently watched every episode, 50 episodes in less that a week, encompassing myself within the glitz, glamor, and insanity of a world so opposite than my own. The warm feeling of entering the world of this character was pure escapism, but at the same time I see the immediate comparisons to my life, or at least my choices in the opposite sex. Hank Moody, the attractive tornado of drama moving randomly through women's lives, considers himself a feather in the wind, never accepting total responsibility for his actions. Whether he's having a one night stand with a teen or bedding women that fall into his path immediately, his character is definitely flawed. He continues to make bad decisions, although often under the influence of anything to numb the hole in his heart left by his true love, and mother of his daughter. The general respect he has for each woman he sleeps with is admirable, an uncontrollable love for "the woman" in total, every intricate aspect of each character. He is conscious of his affect on them although incapable of turning a blind eye to the attention, obviously initially filled by his soul mate.

In comparison to my life, I see Hank in every man I have dated, bedded and known as a friend. My attraction to this type of character is not to heal him of his woes, or to tame him of his free spirit. Men are basic in my eyes, the ones more in control are harder to get to know truly, as they are as protected and controlled as I am. My last long term relationship was that perfect example, where it ended in confusion, as I questioned anything that happened for three years. Currently I feel as though Hank is actually part of my life, yet as infrequent as watching an episode monthly. He is like a tide, and although I originally confronted him in an inebriated state requesting his services, popping in and out of my life just enough to remind me he is around.

The other night I expected some cameras and lights to appear as I was sure I was transported into a scene from Californication, all the characters from my life instead. A woman, whom has shared some intimate nights with this flawed man, approached me, questioning our relationship, her flawed mind sufficiently numbed by her own vices. I remember before arranging any intimate plans, his quick story of his tryst with her, and I being immediately disappointed. She and I are complete opposites, from my eyes, and I have known her as, being delicate, more open than me. Her dramatics like a halo surrounding her, enveloping anyone near her. I have always enjoyed both roads, high and low, and began with initial jealousy, Facebook information boring into my brain. Deleting that information, and sealing the deal with Mr. Flaw gave me a step up and I felt empowered, but not for long. I have had her in the dark corner of my mind until the other night.

Like a flurry of tension, agitation and nervousness, possibly misconstrued as a concoction of her numbing-of-choice this evening, she began a conversation with me, regarding her work and such, the stress obviously spilling out threw her lips, as she spoke without breathing. The inevitable topic came up, and the bartender, bending his ear, backed away giving me a quick look of horror. It was as if she needed to get the information off her chest, her obvious jealousy and curiosity. I was in a scene from my favourite show! Do I take the high road or the low? I am always conscious of her random actions and reactions, and had to make a choice immediately. High road it was, as she began to spew out her thoughts on him and how she knew we were both utilizing him simultaneously, at least for awhile. She touted his expertise and attention to detail in the bed, as I slowly numbed a bit myself, and I listened intently, knowing I could be cut down like a huge cedar in seconds with one or two ill chosen words. Interrupting her oral diarrhea, I simply stated that my encounters were mediocre of the "many" times we have been together, pointing out his often misfortune of drinking too much, where his performance was hindered. She asked me how old I was, and I wondered why the question, considering it didn't seem to matter. I told her my ripe age of 43 and she not only fell off here chair (in her mind), but also saw the different connection he and I have, more in the realm of friends. I was on edge waiting for her to take the stab but she ended up complimenting me, astonished at my cool demeanor, confidence and ownership of my age, she being young enough to possibly be my daughter (if I had a child at 18). She immediately dwindled and fumbled through her conversation, my assumption being defeat in her pickled brain. I didn't feel like I won or lost but rather, I stood up to confrontation with poise and confidence.

feelings of jealousy and ownership are gone and I feel more in control than before, in more ways than one. Hank - expect a call soon...

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

Let It Snow

2012-01-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

Winter has finally arrived in Van-city, chilling the tip of each nose, filling the air with mist with every breath. The past few days have threatened the hint of snow, and everyone is in preparation, bundled up in their parkas and fur lined hoods, scarves billowing out around their heads. I have even put a pair of toe warmers in my shoes to keep my toes from freezing. The news cast was speaking of "snow-mageddon", possibly to create possible havoc amongst its viewers.

I woke up this morning, surprised to see a thin shimmering sheet of snow everywhere. I wasn't expecting the snow, missing the forecast, and simply trusting the various internet weather sites, all predicting differing weather patterns. My first glimpse of the gleaming bed outside gave me a warmth inside that I used to get when I was a child. Being Vancouverites, we seldom see snow, and whenever it appears, the city changes immediately. Of course the appearance of Vancouver becomes magical, being used to our "Wet Coast", and the gray is lifted along with our doldrums. I am not part of the commuter world, but I remember the days of traveling in the snow from East Van to downtown. Stress levels would hit the Red Zone, frustrating drivers and transit riders. I walk to work and I only struggle to cross one busy street, a tough life it is.

Although there is only a centimeter of snow in parts of the West End, the outskirts of the lower mainland were hit harder. The eastern provinces laugh annually at us, announcing "snow days" for schools in the suburbs, wondering how we could ever hold the Winter Olympics. Now, with the snow stopping for most of the day, and the threat of more in the future, the city is being covered in a layer of salt to protect the inexperienced drivers.

With this weather comes the slowest times of the year at my work. Today is recorded as the most depressing day of the year, when everyone gets their statements from Christmas and New Years, when the wallets close and everyone hermits into their cave. As sports fans, the NHL All Star Break begins soon and the NFL is dwindling down to the Superbowl. Whether or not snow has a psychological affect on people, is questionable, as I have met both cherry and grumpy people on my recent travels. It all depends on what state everyone is in I guess. Regardless, it makes me glow inside. Too bad I just can't get my legs to warm up. I should find someone for that. Let it snow, snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

2012-01-05T17:34:00.000-08:00

Welcome 2012!

The new year had begun and, although it seems like just another day to me, there is always a desire to change. Yes, I know, it is so unlike me to be a 'sheeple', following the crowds, copying the trends and waves of fads. I never make resolutions because it is a direct line to failure, but I have a desire to change it up a bit. I have to admit, I am becoming more and more bitter in my slowly diminishing life and look at the people around me, wondering if I will be that old bitty bitching about the price of bananas, telling the same old stories over and over again to the same old faces - their attention span gone in seconds, as the story begins, their focus drifting to another shiny item to entertain the droning sound from my lips. This how I am some days with the folks around me in my place of relaxation. I swear I don't want to be that.

I do have to open myself up and enjoy some affection. I have had quite a few years of bad man choices in my life. I can't say its been all bad. A 5 year relationship, 7 year relationship, 3 year relationship - all good memories. Unfortunately, the human being has been accustomed to block bad recollections. The funny thing is I do remember the unfortunate slips too. Hopefully, if I open up enough, I can let someone in my heart again. Being alone is becoming a new fear of mine. I am very comfortable alone but becoming the equivalent to Eleanor Rigby of Beatles fame is scary.

My current situation is enjoyable but not frequent enough to satisfy my desires. The question is whether I want to continue the situation while attempting to find more. I have never been very good at juggling, and don't intend on it in the future. I do want to continue the nonchalant situation I have, late texts, surprise visits, and leaking bits of information out to alter my angelic untouchable appearance. I like it, I like the secrecy and the different attention.

I recently met an older gentleman who was visiting from Northern BC. He was a regular at the local pub and became fast friends with the regulars. He had a happy-go-lucky attitude and seemed to be quite neutral in his discussions with everyone. He took a liking to me in a friendly way and I figured it would be harmless, in his brief visit, for him to know a little about me. I gave him some history, all be it short, of my life, love-life included, and he seemed to have some good advice. His observance of the people, their reaction towards me, and especially the men, made me laugh. He said I have this control of the men around me and they are hypnotized by me. I found this hilarious and completely false. I am not a tease and do not create attention around me, unlike others I know.

The most humorous event with this stranger was the sudden change, as if he was now being pulled in by a tractor field by the Death Star (me). He became so irritating to me, his continuous hovering and watching, I had to push him away, similar to other 'stalker-types' in the bar. I felt robbed of my personal information and that he, like other men, had an ulterior motive. This is again quite bothersome to me. I like my space as everyone knows. When I open a door, I don't need the person on the other side to barrel through like a break in a dam. With me it's baby steps.

So, this guy of the least amount of frequency, has leaked through the cracks. He comes and goes like the ebb and flow of the tides, but that is a constancy on which I can depend. I just need to remember to ask. I have always had a hard time asking for anything. I guess it might be from being the youngest child, a girl on top of that, and wanting to prove that I can do it without help. Asking is a sign of weakness. This guy has always said, "just ask, and I'll be there". I did ask for help in moving a mattress to my friend's house, and that was easy and effortless. That doesn't involve any emotional attachment though, while, what he was saying, is a bit harder the wrap my 'Happy Days" brain around. Regardless, he has asked almost everytime, leaving me looking like a scared little puppy. Our last tryst was great but that followed up with New Year's parties, preparations and work, topped with my favourite monthly visit (a blessing in disguise). This unfortunately, broke the path I was building, but I keep in contact regularly, attempting not be overly needy.

I have decided, in this new year, to be more assertive and ASK. My new mantra is 'Ask More, Wait Less'. This is more universal than it seems. We'll see how long it lasts. Oh right, and I must learn to juggle.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

Moods and Broods

2011-09-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

Sunshine finally hit my face in the morning as I pulled myself out of my bed, knowing this wouldn't happen very often in my morning ritual. Autumn 2011 has enveloped Vancouver, the sun rising later every day. Soon I will be missing every ray of sunshine, working indoors. The morning was a bit chilly and, in turn, I get to wear all of my fun jackets and boots I missed over the hot sunny days of summer. Fashion change thank god. Not soon enough.

So I put on my Dr. Martens and Roxy jacket, I looked in the mirror and was in a good mood, admiring my decision of wardrobe. Off to work and enjoyed an average day with my coworkers. After work, my Friday night, I decided to visit the watering hole I always frequent. Once I walked in I realized I was pretty tired from my week of work and fun. A few visits from a 'friend' in my apartment was exciting and rejuvinating yet also a bit draining, considering I was working the whole week. Sometimes everyone needs a friend with benefits, and hopefully it continues.

I do have the ability to exude an aroma to attract exactly the opposite of what I actually want. My collection of 'what went wrong' situations, can be written on the many pages of an empty journal. There are people I have had words with and others I wish to just not get into conversations with at the bar. I came in to the bar in a good mood, styling my fall digs, and immediately I realized my mood was not what it appeared. Normally if I recognize the twinges I know to sit in a small booth by the window. So I sit at the bar and it's all fine as I do my iPod 'dealings'. Well, in no time my 'stalker' comes in to 5 empty seats around me. We have had our words and I have no patience for the insanity. So he chooses a seat right beside me. Great. Brood #1 takes my mood from sea level to dipping under the waves.

Of course, I have every choice in seating, and have made moves that confuse all of the people around me but sometimes when I make the move I end up making more of a spectacle of myself when I just want to hide. This time I moved from 'the stalker' to a cling on from a friend's previous relationship. So great and I guess now I'm considered a bitch by sticking the hand up in his face pretty much. He's now sitting with my 'stalker'.

Now my Broods have made my mood undersea with Spongebob Squarepants. I just got a text from my 'friend' and it enabled me to get some air in my lungs.
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

Instant Gratification

2011-09-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

The candy store at the end of the street where I grew up was like heaven to me as a child. With just a few coins in my pocket I could buy anything in that price range, placing the biggest smile on my face from ear to ear. The sugary sweet candy melting in my mouth like a scene from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Better yet, when I was older I was still attracted to that sweet sinful delight, traveling weekly to a candy store filled with every flavor under the sun, from licorice to jelly beans, chocolate to marzipan, the room was like the dizzying effect of making a cotton candy puffball on a cone. Welch's, on the corner of Granville and Broadway, was every child's dream, big round eyes peering through the display cases at the colorful treats waiting to be placed delicately on their tongues.

That was definitely the first perfect example of instant gratification. I'm an adult now and the years have wrinkled me and my direct route to gratification. It doesn't happen as easily as it did back in the day. Wanting something doesn't mean you can have it. Shopping for a hobby is a perfect example. Between the prices, the size selection, color selection and a the amount of money in your wallet, no matter how many times you try it on, sometimes that pure orgasmic gratification is lost. There will always be items out of reach in everyone's life, no matter how much money is padding their wallet. If everything was easily attained what would be the point of life?

Lately, I have realized many things about myself. The most important is that I like my space. I have been in relationships and enjoyed the intimacy of it all, and I have also remembered the feeling of smothering when people are in my space. The last significant relationship I had kept us in two places. We both had our own caves into which we could retreat. I loved the fact that I had my own space, could leave when I wanted and still had the intimacy of companionship and sex. It was perfect, for the time it lasted. There were times when I wanted more, but in the end, that never broke us up.

Recently, I have dabbled in flirting without real need for a relationship. I believe I may need this kind of instant gratification, candy for the adult, and understand the learning curve I will have to accept with this choice. I have been a relationship whore in a way and I can be seen as selfish from the outside observer. I never claim to need the monogamous lifestyle but seem to fall into that category, like the random Plink-o disc bouncing from peg to peg and always falling in the 'relationship' column. Never choosing the 'taken' label, I pride myself to others as a strong independent woman, and have fought for that title. Regardless of my relationship status, I am always steadfast in my strength.

Last night there was a large gash in that armor, so large, tears were weeping out of it like a hole in a dam. How and why it happened is surprising, but at the same time, my armor has never been as thick as everyone else DECIDED it was. I have never cared much about what people think about me, doing as I wish within my character. My surrounding circle of inner friends only want the best for me. The outer circle is more of a bothersome weight on my shoulders that actually brought me to my knees. Luckily that inner circle wasn't crushed hopefully.

On to the story... Instant gratification: a warm body, a good night of "mattress dancing" and no strings attached. That's what was in my head. Now I was set and determined to open a door in my character to let in this new desire while still enjoying the same life I live day to day. Yes, you can label it 'booty call', 'friend with benefits', or 'release workout'. Regardless, I was never really looking officially, until an acquaintance slipped some hints and flirts my way. At first I was flattered and then realized that the combined predicaments of our lives would be mutually beneficial. I was hopeful and one night, after a week or two of testing the waters on his reaction to the idea, a positive answer and titillating flirts began, with texts and private messages.

Raised in a Happy Days lifestyle, Joanie (me) needed to break free of the stigma attached to her character. It is harder than it seems apparently, as my first attempt created this large gaping wound, not by the immediate parties involved but by the peanut gallery. I have apparently become Mother Teresa in my lovely drinking hole, where my outer appearance is not even close to what I am on the inside. I feel like a Cadbury Easter Cream Egg, all chocolaty on the outside and creamy sugary goodness on the inside. Perhaps a better example would be a ripe pineapple, with its prickly outer protection and its sweet yet tart interior. Anyways, I altered the universe in my other living room to the point that it spun around and kicked me in the ass, making me question myself and my intent.

Not the first time this has happened, I have smoothly parted ways with Chachi and then dated Satan within 3 months, creating a rift with the onlookers. What could they do to save me? Joanie is dating 'that bad guy'. Let's say I sure stirred the shit and made people give me a double take. Anyways, in the end no one knew how to take me and that was a relief. I have the good-girl stigma literally attached to my ass and I have to remove it now. Why can't I change my ways, even if it is a tiny bit. It's not so much to ask to ask for, what I want?

BACKFIRE!!! So, the peanut gallery have decided that I am something I am not. I found this out harshly, hanging out with the 'sure thing'. This 'sure thing' had already offered his services, and I enjoyed his company, keeping me in stitches whenever he was around. With one evening and a surprise attack, this first rendezvous was demolished moments in its beginning, secret words and talk behind my back directed only to him. I was unaware of this until I asked him out-right about the failed tryst, only to find out I was made out to be a relationship monger, gathering men and leaving them in the trash.

Can you see the huge gaping gash in my armor now? Tears welling up from my gut spewing out while I texted him. Apparently I am loved too much and he is a slut. Also, we are both in need of being saved. Well, let me tell you, regardless of my tears, used only to heal the wounds created by my so-called fans, I will not be directed in the way of the wave, and when backed against a wall, my horns come out. I will not let anyone dictate to me who I will be or with whom I will have relations, especially in bed.

Amazingly this guy has held on as a friend, cheering me up continuously all day and understands my plight as he was deemed a slut, another stigma. I am feeling better, gaping wound with a lovely scab on it for all to see. Live, love and learn. I want to do this without the cattle prods, fences, street signs and judgment.

Let me make my own decisions and support me when I ask. Don't judge my actions, judge your own.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Enjoy the Silence

2011-07-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday. This day is many things to so many people. To me it is a curse word. I always work on Sundays and it is the opposite of what people think Syndays are all about. For many people, Sunday is a day to enjoy family and friends, outings including a meal, brunch often, and I am that person that cooks the so-called brunch for multitudes
of people. Let's say, having a Sunday is foreign to me, and I would never know what to do with myself.

On that note, I did not have the day off today, Sunday July 10. I did have a break from cooking eggs, as my cooks decided they were into leading the brunch chaos. I was pleased to see them cook brunch with the ease and eagerness of new employees. They proved to me I can take a day off. Unfortunately, I was swamped with prep and dishes and ordering and chaos cleanup. I was run off my feet with a very perfect example of my abilities at extreme juggling. Never amount to stop, playing catch up continually all day, eventually my mind began to falter. By the end of the day, I was ecstatic about leaving the building, even with the many thank yous from my collegues, supporting them from the base, keeping the ship moving forward without a shudder from the hull of the Brunch Liner.

Now that I am off my feet, in a different atmosphere, sipping a Strongbow, I realize how exhausted I become from the summer heat and busy restaurant kitchen. Regardless, the sound of bluesy jazz and private seating by the window of my favourite watering hole, relaxes me. I have silenced the work day stress and closed off the sometimes bothersome folk with whom I usually sit. Watching the world move by me outside the slightly stained window, I enjoy my own piece of silence, similar to my jaunts around the seawall.

The city is it's busiest in my neighbourhood on Sundays, but I can sit and enjoy the silence of my mind. Recharge for another day.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

The Internet and Technology.... Is It Desensitizing Society?

2011-06-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

Waking up to the smell of coffee brewing, the sun kissing my eyelids and my cat purring in my ear, are all tangible, tactile experiences that everyone understands and comprehends. The smell of the sea air, seeing a harbour seal in the bay, hearing seagulls screeching overhead while a bald eagle soars by my apartment; events involving the senses. It amazes me how I can be so lazy one day, watching TV all day while the sun shines down on a city so often drenched with rainfall and grey clouds.

A week ago today, the city was alive, the hunger for a Stanley Cup in Vancouver so strong we could all feel the cool silver trophy on our pursed lips, as we kiss the engraved cup. The streets filled with a sea of blue and green jerseys, bars filled with a happy excited fans, helicopters overseeing the street parties; the jewel of BC alive with Olympic spirit again. There was an uneasy thread in the back of every one's mind, a touch of nervous excitement; worries of the team losing its chance to hoist the cup, and worse yet, the images of 17 years before, and the ugly side of humankind emerging from the crowd.

In 1994, the city was, again, in the race to the Stanley Cup, a similar joyous crowd gathering everywhere. This was when our city was innocent, like a toddler before its first tantrum. When the team lost, the city lost. Riots broke out, windows were broken, fires were set, looting occurred. It was a blemish on the heart and soul of the city. A disgrace, not only to every Vancouverite, but an embarrassment to every parent who watched their children vandalize their beautiful city.

This was an era when the Internet was beginning, video games ruled the entertainment of every teen, cell phones were practically non-existent. Video cameras, digital cameras, all the technology of today was not a common factor. People still reacted on raw emotion, using their senses to make decisions. The riot then occurred due to an over exuberant teen climbing high above the crowd on transit lines, who electrocuted himself and fell to the street in the crowd. A tear gas bomb landed in the crowd to clear the street to allow for a emergency vehicle in to rescue the injured teen. Unfortunately, everyone didn't see the fall, creating mass confusion and anger towards the police for contaminating the area and every one's eyes, as the crowd ran, trampling the weak and stumbling, causing more injuries and building the anger of the mass of people in the streets. There were also, mostly voyeurs of the chaos, standing back in awe, watching the small percentage of young drunken men, vandalizing store fronts, setting fires, looting stores.

Last week, during the hockey game, I felt a turn in the air, especially when I realized the beloved trophy was out of our grasp. I remember those riots 17 years earlier, the sting of the tear gas, the running confused crowds. It reminded me of the scene in The Lion King with the buffalo stampede chasing Simba and Mufasa down the gorge. I felt a touch of that fear of being trampled. I knew better and moved far away from that gorge, an hour before the buffalo run. If there were no TVs where I was, I would not have known of the city being on fire, except for the smoke and red glow over the downtown towers.

Technology was a costar in the Vancouver riots, definitely not a participant 17 years earlier. In this age of social networking and communication, one of the fuels of the riot had to be the Internet. When the Internet wears the black hat, portraying the enemy, it can incite a riot in no time, and the context of that riot, whether protesting a corrupt government, or simply gathering a group of Anarchists to vandalize store fronts and taunt the police, is lost in the violence. Wearing the white hat of the hero, the Internet was amazingly helpful, assisting the police in crowd control, pinpointing trouble spots, recording rioters and photographing acts of violence on people and businesses. Because of technology, we have immediate arrests, people turning themselves in to the authorities, and overflowing compassion for the business owners and injured spectators.

The many venues to communicate information is numerous: Twitter, Facebook, texting, cell phones, instant video and digital cameras and You Tube, are a few of the popular social networking avenues used to pass on the events of that evening. From the days of television, humans have been trained to be desensitized. Humans are lead by their emotions, the only beings on Earth with emotions, and as we create new and more exciting ways to engulf our senses, we also become numb to the those emotions that keep our species separate from the buffalo stampeding down the narrow gorge in Africa. Our senses and emotion give us the basis of our choices today. The question is: Have we created an overload to our senses, causing our species to shut down, equalling us to the ape on the other side of the bars?

There are many forms of interrogation focused around overloading the senses, where the questioned person weakens and reveals the information desired. Bright lights in the eyes, overheated small rooms, continuous loud noise, starvation, and many other more painful ways of gathering information. This process is used to overwhelm the senses: sight, taste, sound, touch, and smell. Is the overwhelming information on the Internet, desensitizing society? We can watch CNN 24 hours a day, veiwing bloodied bodies of conflict over seas, we can play incredibly violent video games for hours, we can watch hard core pornography on the internet. Overloading all of these core senses must eventually desensitize us to the images we see day in and day out.

From Internet dating to Tweeting what you are doing in an instant, technology has evolved each and everyone of us. We react not on senses but on societal acceptance. Right from wrong is not an immediate reaction but an after thought, where it is right to clean a demolished city after a riot, but a dismissed after thought of the enormous wrong of the original act of violence. I am amazed how humans always test the boundaries in such an extreme fashion. In a way Vancouver was given such a good name all over the world, it was just bound to cross the line to fall from that high pedestal.

Yes, technology is and will be with us forever. If you look beyond the computer screen, the TV, the towers built by ever increasing technology, past the smog from the increasing population commuting in their cars, there is still that glimmer of beauty our city prizes. Turn off your smart phones, Ipods, TVs, cars. Put on your shoes and go outside. Smell the air, hear the sounds of the city, taste to ethnicity of our restaurants, touch the sand on the beaches, look up to the beauty of our mountains and wildlife around us. Regardless of technology, we can still turn it all off and enjoy our senses.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

Delete.....

2011-05-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

Everyone likes to ignore or dismiss things in their life they don't like. I try my best to keep moving forward, staying focused on the positive. People or situations in my life that disappoint me or damage my spirit, get physically erased from my brain. I find that I hold a grudge longer than most and find every reason to keep it alive. Perhaps it is a natural defence mechanism, protecting my heart and feelings from being inundated anymore. I get harder and stronger shields every time I am hit with negative comments or fall out of a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic.

I am, or have become, a private person in my older years. Not that I am not social, but the walls go up, in preparation for the hurt even before it happens. There are certain limits to my space that I create, rarely reaching outside of the walls, but rather waiting for a knock on the door of my heavily fortified castle. The unfortunate thing is, I seem to get burned every time I open my heavy door. The outside made of heavy stone and brick, surrounded by a moat (of Heineken LOL) is the opposite of the interior of my world. Inside the castle, the visitor sees the opposite, a Willy Wonka world of treats and comforts galore. I am a hostess, willing to make my visitor comfortable in any way. The interior design made of whatever desire my visitor yearns. This, of course, causes this person to return, and the cycle continues. I enjoy making people happy, and as long as they are smiling, I am content. I simply live for positive judgment from others. The funny thing is everyone I know sees me as a strong independent woman, who doesn't get dragged down by worrying what people think of me. I guess they only see the rock and brick armour of my exterior. The latest damage to my fort, a failed relationship, yet again, is still eroding the barrier of my world. The end of our union was centered around my birthday. I have never celebrated my birthday with grandeur but I expect the loved ones in my life to notice and send me greetings on my day. He didn't know it was my birthday, and his excuse was because it wasn't on Facebook. I have heard some lame excuses in my day, but this one is pretty high on the list. Just like everyone today, social networking is a huge part of our lives, from Facebook and Twitter, to simply texting and emailing instead of phoning or writing and speaking directly. I am just as much at fault, tumbling into the "Anti-social Network", rarely phoning, and utilizing all forms of networking possible. We discussed the issue after I had the worst birthday ever (thank you to everyone for all of your love on my birthday). We decided to try to make up and literally 5 days later, a missile hit the wall of my castle, and I walked.
I am quite content with the break up, which I fed him similarly on a Facebook sandwich, by changing my relationship status to single and "unfriending" him. Considering he decided that is the best way to gather information about me, like my birthday, I decided he needed to have it back in his face. The problem is, his profile status is still labelled as in a relationship. I immediately thought of the scene in the movie The Social Network with the enraged girlfriend, setting fire to the garbage can of her boyfriend over his "relationship status" (The Social Network girlfriend garbage fire scene). I laughed uncontrollably when I watched this scene. Now I see how I am digging a hole in my own castle, not him. It's bothering me, not him. If it is, he certainly would have changed it. I remember the beginnings of social networking, the television show Sex and the City, where Carrie Bradshaw is a writer creating stories about her love life in New York city. There was a scene of one of her boyfriends, Burger, breaking up with her on a sticky note (Post It Break Up reaction- Sex and the City). This was when mobile phones were becoming popular, texting was new and "anti-social" behaviour was born. I wonder if what I did just perpetuates the way people socialize. I certainly helped to repair the walls of my surroundings, although without actually telling him to his face, the repairs are probably not as sturdy as they could be. Blogging is my way of releasing built up stress and feelings, a personalized view of me. The Internet is similar to an eye level window into my castle. I have to have a connection to the outside world in some form. It's hard to really know me, if I am wearing a suit of armour. I wish one thing with all of this creative outlet blogging...I want to be able to open my doors with ease and remove the armour. Although this allows me to drop the walls, making me look in the mirror and criticize myself, I never seem to change. Am I an old dog? Am I capable of learning new tricks?
Do the monsters need to be confronted face to face? Are they the monsters or am I the monster?

Laughter is the Best Medicine

2011-05-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

So, regardless of my current situation, I have not turned down the dark road of depression. Why should I? I wasn't done wrong but rather made a wrong decision. I could feel sorry for myself and pout, but why? I did no wrong unless giving too much is a bad thing. I unfortunately received little in return.

Enough of that millisecond of my life. I have filled my time laughing about the matter. The joke is on him, where the whole situation has been ridiculed to death. It seems to be so hilarious that now people are giving me 'the finger' randomly to get a laugh. I woke this morning with sunshine in my eyes and a smile on my face, as I realized those worries were gone. Sure, my cell phone is quiet, no one texting me every hour or so, but I understand those messages were hollow reassurances to keep me around.

I watch the news of politicians cheating on their wives. My favourite tv show is The Good Wife. I wonder how I could possibly want to trust a man again. I am like an M&M to these guys - hard and crunchy on the outside and soft and sweet on the inside. I need to change that, or rather find someone who doesn't take advantage of my altruism.

I understand that relationships are work, and that it's hard to find a great man, but I am starting to believe that I am a fly strip for losers. Do I set my expectations too high so disappointment is inevitable? Do I set them too low so that I am bound to date Mr. Wrong?

I think I'll pull back and be an observer for awhile.
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Never Bite the Hand That Feeds You

2011-05-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I am again single, but I also look at it as fortunate. Three months in I was not in too deep, and I could see the light and the entrance of the 'so-called' tunnel of love I rode in on, sitting on the back of a swan with my 'pitbull'. At closer look, I realized the swan was made of cheap plastic, the tunnel was not full of love but greed, and my 'pitbull' was more damaged than ever. Noticing the damage first, I tried to patch the holes with TLC and medical visits, in hopes to partner up and take on his issues as a team. Little did I know that the hole was very deep and widening day by day. In addition, the damage was done so long ago, the scar tissue would never allow the wound to heal.

My Pitbull was not the happy puppy I thought. He was expecting everything but a
partner. He was looking for a mommy, sugar mamma, nurse, and buddy. His world the only experience he knew and a closed mind to anything or anyone else. He did what he wanted and bit when judged of his actions. His need to compete against anyone limited his ability to open up and accept others as equals. In his mind, he was always in need of attention.

Well, he bit the hand that fed him for the last time. Disrespecting my line of work, he decided tipping was unimportant and that the hospitality industry is not deserving of his money. I cut the leash once the bite broke my flesh, blood trickling from my hand. A simple gesture of flipping the middle finger at me, my job and my opinion on tipping, fueled my walk to the door to leave for good.

Enjoy your life, closing the door on people. You have managed the strengthen the walls of my heart, similar to your tough and impenetrable heart, which needs an external machine to keep it from stopping. My heart needs no help, as I am a better person without your issues filling my life with worry and stress. Run away little Pitbull with your tail between your legs. My bite wound will heal but your gaping wound will never close.

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Happiness is a Warm Hand

2011-04-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

The hand is an amazing part of the body that is the key to human intelligence. The opposable thumb makes the homo sapien hand have the ability to grip objects and tools like mo other animal, manipulating small objects to create a multitude of things, from artworks and music to computers and smartphones. The hand also is used to hold with other hands, walking with children and friends. Hand holding, interlacing the fingers, is a symbol of affection and love; the first outward sign of a romantic relationship between two people.

I have found a hand to hold, strong and always warm, and this person who owns this hand has the same characteristics. His warmth and strength have made me love him and I don't want to let his hand go. He has warmed my heart and strengthened my positivity. He has made me happy, and that is not something I admit to often.

Warm hands equal happiness. :)
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Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
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Pitbulls and Daisies

2011-03-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

Here I am, about to back track on all of my words from my whole life, so sit down, strap on your seat belt, and prepare yourself for a trip through the looking glass at a new alternative look at me. I have been considered an independent woman all my life, wanting to never weaken in any one's sight, I have touted advice off to many of my friends, especially when their hearts are broken or complaining about their men, reminding them that men don't make us weak, they make women strong. My previous relationships have been somewhat successful, especially dating men that are in someways weaker, allowing me to wear the pants. Things have turned upside down, and I have met a man whom is more than willing to wear the pants. In turn, I went from pitbull to daisy in a matter of two weeks.

I find it incredible that, regardless of all of my fight against Walt Disney and his ingrained cult of Princesses and Princes, that I still can melt into a girlish state when my new guy is around. Regardless of my mood, he lifts me up just touching me. I rarely enjoy a man that is touchy-feely, probably because it felt like a weird ownership thing, like a cat rubbing its face on all your stuff, or a dog peeing on every tree, leaving its mark. In this case, I actually enjoy it, and have no problems with it.

I have always said I have wanted a guy with a sense of humour, loves sports, can wear a ball cap and a suit at the same time, is stronger than me and can lead. Seems like that isn't too hard, but at my age, perhaps the fishing pond is a bit limited. Sure I can bend my rules, but those are all pretty much deal breakers. I want a guy's-guy, not a soft guy, not a girly-guy, not a girlfriend. A guy that can stand up to idiot men bugging me, a guy who gets along with my friends, a guy who is family-oriented, and one that likes to eat.

My pitbull has turned me into a daisy. As long as I keep feeding him and he keeps watering me, we'll be great.
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Thank You Bella

2011-02-09T17:22:00.001-08:00

Today is a day of gratitude. A wonderful woman named simply Bella, gave more than she will ever know. She not only gave me a new friend in her daughter, Jeanette, a new sense of being in myself, but also an ability to gather family and strangers together to celebrate her life. Bella passed away early this morning in the comforting surroundings of the Palliative Care ward in Vancouver General Hospital. Because of her I shed a tear today.

Because of Bella, I was fortunate enough to meet her eldest child, her daughter, from whom I learned new depths of patience and strength. Meeting her almost every day after work not only eased her stress and pain but also gave her a chance to share and laugh. I believe I not only helped her but she helped me during the past three weeks.

I learned of the strength of this woman, the ability to carry a family through the saddest of times, holding her brothers hands, while staying strong for her mother. Her stoic height a testament to her strength, pride, love, and patience she has for her family and friends. Little does Jeanette know how much she affected me during her trying times here in Vancouver. I hope I can continue to be the person I was with her, and grow into a smidgen of what she is today.

Thank you Bella for raising such a beautiful and strong woman, and for allowing me to be part of her life for a moment in time. Thank you.
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Discovering a New Skill

2011-02-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes you are hard to talk to." This was what a friend told me a couple of months ago. I, like anyone, can be hard to talk to, depending on the circumstances. This has been expressed to me most recently in my work place, also. This has never been a struggle for me, as I understand everyone has off days. Personalities and the social integration of people are so intertwined, if there is no acknowledgment of this interwoven social blanket, anyone can be viewed as unapproachable. Regardless of explaining the sociology of the reasons behind the quote, I have been reminded of this off and on in my life. I am happy to have this little poke in the ribs, to put me in my place, yanking off my high horse and forcing me in front of a mirror to judge myself as stringently as I judge others. In my introspection, I see my weakness and understand the reactions of my friends, peers and coworkers. In addition to recognizing my faults I found that this criticism can be turned 180 degrees.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have befriended a stranger who is in the midst of a family crisis. Before meeting this woman, I overheard the situation involves the health of her mother. She has become a daily regular of the bar I frequent and is staying in the hotel attached. On one occasion, I sat next to her and we began a conversation. After hours of talking, bending my ear about her situation and the imminent passing of her mother, she and I had become fast friends. I listened, advised, supported, listened more, and was generally just the person with whom she needed to talk. Now, weeks later, we are still friends at the bar, as her family members arrive, the hotel filling with relations from around North America. Perhaps we became fast friends because of her need to vent and my need for a strong female role model. Regardless, I have realized that I can be easy to talk to and a great listener.

With the passing of my mother, I have been able to pass on my experience with people in similar situations. I respect anyone who can ask for help, as I unfortunately learned early in life, that asking for help means failure. Of course that learned behaviour is so hard to change for me and a character flaw of my personality limiting my personal growth. These most recent occurrences crossing my path have helped me to grow personally. Hopefully, I will learn that asking for help is not a sign of failure. I take pride in my stoic personal representation, and in turn, friends come to me for help. I never look at these friends as failures when they come to me. The question is why, when I need help, do I feel like I have failed? Perhaps the need for help shows people that I am not as strong as I present to world. Is that such a bad thing, showing the world I am human?

Regardless, this new role of supporter and listener has made an impression on me. We'll see what path it takes me down in the future.

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10 Days In...

2011-01-10T18:59:00.001-08:00

January 2011. 10 days have passed and it has gotten bitterly cold outside. Listening to John Mayer and glancing through a single paned window as I sip on water and a single rye and coke extra tall. Ashen faces pass by the glass in the dark, some peering in to see if there is any life inside the bar. It's amazing how the cold weather takes the color out of the world. The chill not only washes out the vibrancy of the city but also the people. I love the cold, the biting pinpricks on my face waking me from my doldrums.

It has been even longer since I became a single woman. About 50 days have passed. I have to admit, having the safety net removed is an uncomfortable feeling. I have never looked down from my perch, assuring my subconscious that I won't fall; the woven net always securely positioned below me. I have no need for such a thing, confident in myself, willing to admit my foolish mistakes. My life has always been mine and I am the doorkeeper. Perhaps I need a bouncer at times, popping open the door a smidgen, only to be fooled.

I look back and remember being told by a friend that people are always hitting on me, or attempting to get me to open the door. For some reason, perhaps because of the height of my perch, I never even hear the knocking. I don't even notice the glances, the friendly conversations, the attention; I rack it up to people wanting my friendship. Recently I was told that I was hard to talk to, and I was a bit surprised but not upset at all.

Self confidence is considered a desirable characteristic for women, and I pride myself on slowly building my self confidence. I used to be a bit shy when it came to meeting new people, always worrying about what they thought of me. As I aged I learned that it doesn't matter what they think, changing for others dampens your inner being. I spent many years slowly being whittled down in relationships, starting out confident and happy with myself, and ending with a feeling of emptiness, giving all and receiving nothing in return.

Now I am 42 years young and enjoy going out to my local drinking hole, talking to the regulars, always hopeful to see a new fresh face. Perhaps, one of those fresh faces may glance my way and try my door. I have recently been opening the door, and some of those regular faces have been there. Some have washed up, put on shiny new clothes, and some not. Regardless, I have had fun getting to know each of you.

Hope is still there. I will never be alone as I have all of you.
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Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
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Neck Pain or Pain in the Neck

2010-12-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

The glass grains of the 2010 hourglass have almost completely drained and I look back at the year as everyone does. Watching the television, news shows have been broadcasting many different top events of the year. Weather, sports, news, etc. The most prominent event in my life over the past year has been the damn sore neck and upper back that o have had, it seems, forever.

Yesterday I woke up with pain again. I immediately sighed and rolled my eyes, wondering when this will end. I have been going to the chiropractor and massage therapy religiously and after my last visit I thought I was ready to lengthen my visits to monthly. Regardless, these problems occur once and awhile and generally heal themselves with time.

My only understanding of the situation, using my previous knowledge of sports medicine, is that my neck muscles are not strong enough and when the pain finally subsides, I need to do light exercises to build strength.

Now, I question, if I have had this head for my whole life, why is it that the weight of my skull has managed to increase, thus causing inflammation and pain? I refuse to admit age to be the ultimate culprit although I know I am no longer a young pup. I have also thought that pain is half psychological and half physical. Athletes work through pain all the time, similar to my working while I am sore but then realizing my pain is gone after my shift. Could the increased weight of my head be from trying to force my life to work?

Once I think I have figured out the cause o my neck pain, it returns. Everything from cell phones, bad posture, purse straps, shoes, counter height, stress and looking up shooting eagle photography have been on the list. To no avail the knife jammed in my cervical vertebrae is twisted again in time for New Year's Eve and Day.

Regardless, my neck hurts. Happy New Years.
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Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
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Merry Christmas To You...

2010-12-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas Eve...

I have spent the day keeping busy with my usual routines to avoid any lonely feelings. I woke with a bit of a headache from the libations last night. This ritual of seeing friends the day before Christmas has shifted a day to avoid any pain on the actual holiday. It seems everyone has decided on this, not just me. Last night was quite festive, karaoke Christmas carols, friends gathered around the wood laughing, smiling, hugging and generally passing out the Christmas cheer. I was pretty happy too, feeling the energy of great friends around me. There are always eyes looking regardless of what is happening in your life, and the effect they have on you after a stumble in your life is priceless.

Some of my friends off to other parts of the country, and others yet travelling to warm beaches of the tropics, the party continued on very late. I have dropped a few walls in the last week and opened up a bit, resulting in possibly putting my foot in my mouth. It always works out in the end but I am hoping this interesting late night interlude on line continues to grow. I love to laugh, it makes me whole, and if yesterday and early this morning is a sign of the return of "laughing Jen", there will be more of that to come. Thank you - YOU.

Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy, eat, drink, be merry and laugh - laugh, laugh, laugh. :)
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It's Time....

2010-12-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a completely relaxing day. The only day off in my work week, I had one appointment today - lunch with my Dad. We went to The Boathouse in Kitsilano, enjoying our conversation of family and Christmas plans, enjoying the view and the food. The topic of my current relationship development came up and I simply told him everything. He was happy I made the right decision in letting it all go; "then it wasn't meant to be." I did notice the glances at my finger. I figured he would mention the fimo beaded necklace from Spain, which was my mother's. He did not but his distraction to the ring I was wearing on my right ring finger was enough for me to rethink wearing this nostalgic piece of jewelery.

The piece of jewelery is a ring I have had since my previous relationship with an ex-boyfriend of six years. The ring was a representation of our future plans to be married and move to Vancouver Island. My mother, still alive although in her second bout with breast cancer, which would ultimately take her, seemed happy and at ease that we had future plans. Unfortunately, after her passing, we parted ways. I still wear the ring, which I purchased, but on the right hand, and have now begun to think I need a new personal ring.

Part of my relaxation today after my visit with my father, consisted of looking casually for a design I would like. I thought what I would like on my hand, definite that it should represent me in some way. I have always wanted to get a tattoo but never decided on what I would want until recently. I still am not sure of whether I want it as a permanent part of my physical self. The main symbolisms of the dragonfly are renewal, positive force and power of life in general with a sense of self that comes with maturity. I wanted a dragonfly on the back of my neck. Not ready to get this permanent ink on my body, I began to think that perhaps a nice simple silver or white gold ring of a dragonfly would be an idea. Then I went to town on my online browsing skills.

I found a simple silver Tiffany and Co. ring and made the quick, inexpensive purchase. I also may think about looking at the jewels in my possession from my mother and grand mother. Wearing the necklace today reminded me of the times at the age of six, trying to find two matching beads on the string of colourful handmade glass beads. There are some pieces I would like to resize to fit my larger digits. In addition, I have a intricate silver charm bracelet filled with my travel history which I should share with the world.

It's time for baby steps in the direction of my metamorphosis.

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Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

And the Clouds Broke Open and....

2010-12-09T18:24:00.000-08:00

Rain is inevitable in the Fall in Vancouver. If Google took a picture from above the city, it would appear that the streets were canopied with multicolored octagon patches, umbrellas everywhere, creating a colorful quilt. The streets have small rivers down them with tributaries running down sidewalks. Unusually warm today, double digits, even the local mountains, formerly blanketed with meters of snow, have closed after opening prematurely with a November snowfall.

The soggy weather combined with the shortest daylight hours of the year, have put a heavy feeling over the city. The streets have no life to them, pedestrians hiding under their umbrellas, looking down the sidewalk. There is an obvious state of mourning in Vancouver, predicted by the news and media one year ago. This year had a full dance card all year long, and now that the twinkle of her tiara is dulled, she is being taken for granted again. It's like Vancouver was all dressed up and now her gown is faded and her mascara is gone.

There have been many passings in our city this year, the most obvious lately is Summer. Vitamin D should be flying off the shelves, in an attempt to replace the missing sunshine. Without those extra hours of daylight, and rays of sunshine, we as humans become down and depressed. Our summer this year was phenomenal, hot and sunny for weeks. Everyone longs for those days again, hence the mass exodus out of the city for the 'snowbirds' - the baby boomers and yuppies hitting palm springs, Florida, Mexico or anywhere where the sun is shining. In the meanwhile, Vancouver sits and waits for it's inhabitants to return, joining the umbrella protected population.

Another loss and the tiara of the city, the Winter Olympics. During February this year,the city played host to the world, showing each and every country that Canada was the most hospitable nation. We invited the world, showed them a great time and kissed them on their cheeks goodbye when they flew from our home. Vancouver was for a moment in time, the jewel of the country, a diamond glittering in the sunshine for the world to see. The post Olympic hangover was predicted by the media and proponents. The previous hosting cities also experienced equivalent recessions. The physical landmarks and buildings remain, but the sheen is gone. The athletes village is empty, a political snafu of empty suites waiting to be filled with Vancouverites. It seems like a dream, all of the crazy crowds, red and white clothing and flags, the singing of Oh Canada, the 24hr buzz of the city.

Another past memory of this year was the World Cup festivities, the sport of soccer filling our Olympic void. North America was enveloped with 'footy' fans everywhere, and Vancouver had its equal excitement. There were jerseys of every color, cavalcades of honking cars decked out in the flag of the winning team. The vesuvela was heard everywhere, the noisy bee-swarm sounding horn heard over each match played. Again, the excitement rose in Vancouver in the afterglow of the spectacular representation of Canada in the Olympics. The bars were packed again and Vancouver was alive.

The Canucks aren't considered so much as a passing, but the playoff run was definitely an added addition to keep the city alive. The hope and loyalty of Canuck fans is one of the eclectic aspects of Vancouver. Blue and green jerseys lined the sidewalks downtown, with the patriotic Olympic red and white garments left over from the gold medal winning Winter Games. Unfortunately, the run was short and a sad let down, no Stanley Cup in our back pocket.

Now Vancouver is in hangover mode, asses firmly planted on the couch, large bag of chips and a 2 liter bottle of coke at her side, Advil popped into her system, waiting for the heavy blanket to lift. The occupants of this oasis are burdened with the bill of all of these parties, the invoice in the form of the HST. We all know that if we overspend we have to save to repay the debt. It's unfortunate that the world economy crashed the year before our party. Vancouver not only was hit by the recession but then we are footing the bill of hosting the Olympics. Yes, it was an event that will increase tourism but not immediately. We must now wait for the seed we planted to grow.

In the meantime we sit here in our soggy city, hiding under our umbrellas, trudging through puddles and small rivers in hopes to see a glimmer of our diamond when the sun peaks out of the heavy dark clouds. From above the city our patchwork quilt is bustling along waiting for the rain to stop.

Have I Compromised Myself Into A Corner?

2010-11-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

"To compromise is to make a deal where one person gives up part of his or her demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire. Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance, tolerance. In the negative connotation, compromise may be referred to as capitulation, referring to a "surrender" of objectives, principles, or material, in the process of negotiating an agreement. In human relationships "compromise" is frequently said to be an agreement that no party is happy with, this is because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little" - Wikipedia.

Everyone compromises. Life is all about compromises; in work, in relationships, in friendships, in commuting, in cooking. I can continue on forever. When we allow any person into our comfort circle, we allow ourselves to back off on our "life rules" if we want to add this person into the circle. We learn from these deals daily, whether these new snippets of knowledge compliment or hinder our lives.

I have spent over 42 years of life compromising, like each and every one of you. I had 2 older brothers and learned early that making little exchanges would get me more attention or less teasing. Sometimes in school, to avoid a bully, I would agree with the bad kid just to duck out of the way of any unwanted attention. This action, although subconscious initially, slowly can take pieces of your character, adding up each and every compromise made.

Today I feel like a cookie with a huge bite taken out of it, each little minuscule crumb nipped away throughout my life. I realize that I portray myself as a strong, independent woman, but even steel falters eventually. I look at myself and see this castle I have built around myself, my moat widening daily. I have become a very private person, past negative experiences simply placed behind me, covered with a tarp so I can see the mound and peek under the cover once in a while, reminding me of my past compromises.

I have had writers block the past few weeks, and recognize the obstruction as the immense culmination of all of the compromises. I remember my self-confidence, bright and shiny, everyone around me squinting at the sheen off my strength. I now have traded in that self-confidence and express it in a less overt direction. A side effect of my dulled confidence is shopping for clothing that attract attention. Unfortunately, I have never been one to feel comfortable in the spotlight. The bright reds and buttery smooth textiles through which I express my personality, is my tragic attempt at regaining my upper hand after making far to many compromises. No one will notice my defeated character flaw if I wear a red leather jacket.

Perhaps the character flaw began with never feeling as if I were beautiful. I realize now that beauty is on the inside not what you wear, how much make-up is worn or what colour your hair is dyed. I understand that beauty comes from inner strength and no matter what you see in the mirror can fully define ones beauty. Even in my younger years, I still gauged my beauty with male attention. If men were attracted to me, I was beautiful. Of course, every woman goes through this belief at some point in their lives, and some women older than me have yet to realize that men do not make the rating system of beauty. The only real measurement of my beauty is me.

Now, physical beauty aside, I was ahead of the pack when it came to humour. I have always embraced my ability to make people laugh regardless of the situation. If people are laughing because of my quick wit, I am happy, which makes me feel beautiful. Creating a belly laugh from just a look gives me a sunny feeling in my gut, even if I look like I have been through a tornado. I have attracted more people, men especially, with my sense of humour than with my physical prowess. In my world, an Uber-beautiful person is probably empty, spending more time daily in preparing themselves physically for the world than I do in a week. Humour is key in life, and yes, I have stepped over the line too many times, trading a laugh for attention.

I am most confident when I am funny, and right now, missing my bite-size piece of cookie, I am dying in front of my audience. But damn it I look good! I haven't got the energy to be funny when I am lacking confidence. I am reminded of the circles that are my pathways, with no side street. A Catch 22 situation where when I am confident, I am funny, which then feeds my positive look at myself, filling my desire to be beautiful. That damn pile of compromises from my past seems to be hiding my confidence, the essential key to my happiness. I need to accept my exchanges and the pathway I have carved with those deals, and push them aside along with my stubborn pride, and get back in the game.

Done...

"Did I Take Wrong Turn Back There?"

2010-10-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Life can feel like a prairie road. Those roads lined with rows and rows of wheat, with no cross-roads, direction signs, street lights, or other cars. "Fields of Gold" as Sting wrote. The blazing sun beating down, blinding your eyes through your sunglasses. A breeze nowhere to be found, the crows sitting on the fences with their mouths agape, attempting to cool off as their bluish black feathers take on every degree of unbearable heat. The monotony can be dulling at times, like the sound of a metronome, the ticking of a clock, the dripping water from a leaky faucet.

The thought of summer heat and golden sunshine, sounds warm and attractive, while Autumn is in full force, maple leaves lining the streets. The damp cool air is shocking, sneaking its way to my bones. The early nights arrive and the city becomes quiet, every apartment glowing with light as West Enders create their den for the winter months. The aroma of home cooking is on every floor; burning wood drifting in the air from the lucky ones with fireplaces.

As I move on down the road of my life, I look at my relationships, achievements and acquisitions on either shoulder and wonder if I took a wrong turn way back there on the highway of my past. For the amount of years I've been traveling, I would think I would have fit into the mold that we all aspire to as children, watching Disney movies. I am in my early 40s and am living like I am in my early 30s still. I haven't noticed that I was going around in circles but the view out the windshield seems familiar. It's strange as I see people moving on ahead on the road as I am still moving at the same speed, not veering off course. Friends have moved on, turning off the road, being out of touch until I hit a thoroughfare in the street, their car filled with a new family continuing on an opposing route.

Spending my young years in Europe, busy circles of traffic surrounding a work of art invade my mind. How similar this image is in comparison to my life. The events of my history being the Arc De Triomphe, for example, while the people in my past, present and future are all driving around these events, weaving in and out of my route. Some stay in the same lane ahead or behind me, while others veer off to a side street, and yet others turn on to the roundabout, driving up beside me, nodding hello.

How did I get to this particular roundabout? Why am I stuck in the innermost lane, unable to move to the outer lane in hopes to veer off onto a side street of new and challenging life experiences? Why am I only able to drive a two seater? How do I trade in my car for a station wagon, sedan or SUV? And do it want any of these cars, or would I rather continue on my path in a Mini Cooper?

It's strange to me how my friends with families admire my choices. Little do they know is that I never chose to not be married, have children, own a house, or generally live the life of the cookie-cutter 40 year old. Of course, one can say that I am where I am today because of my past choices. I agree, but when I have to choose between a rock and a hard place, it's no wonder I don't live deep in a cave. Let's just say the hands dealt to me haven't been winners. I have no choice in this poker game to fold, so I do my best with what I get from the dealer. I have a pretty good hand right now. No aces but definitely not a hand to replace. I choose, that's right, CHOOSE, which cards to toss as the dealer replaces those bad cards. It seems, my problem in the past is that those cards I discarded had potential and resulted in a weaker hand. Now, I am holding a strong hand yet I think I may have discarded a key card by mistake. I can't take it back and that mistake has made my hand weaker.

I hope I'm not forced to discard, but if I am, I will move to another table with my mini and my fields of gold to my innermost lane on my roundabout. Hopefully I will recognize the pulse of the traffic to change lanes and make the right exit. In the meantime, I will peer over my hand at the dealer and the poker masters waiting for the next card.

Addictions Never Go Away

2010-10-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

Everyone has an addiction. There is not one person in this world without some kind of repetitive action that gives them some kind of lift. There are limitless addictions from obvious bad habits, like smoking, to dangerous addictions, like heroine. There are harmless addictions, like washing your hands, and there are strange addictions, like hoarding. Lives can be limited by addiction, unable to break free of the jail they have created.

I have addictions and have quit a nasty unhealthy smoking addiction almost four years ago. In those addicted personalities will always be a little pinch in your brain reminding you of your past dependency. Since quiting smoking I discovered a new habit which turned into an addiction: shopping. Buying clothing, shoes and purses seems to have replaced my need to allow nicotine to float through my blood vessels. Quitting smoking finally made me me feel healthier, resulting in me actually losing weight and looking better. I decided to purchase some better clothes resulting in a weekly shopping therapy routine. I have replaced my smoking with shopping. I am especially addicted to jackets. I gave away some of my old jackets, some of which I had never worn. I have made a decision that my last purchase, a leather jacket, set off a switch in my head, to stop. If I need to shop it will be for others. Christmas is coming, so gifts are on my list.

I have another addiction. Walking around Stanley Park on the seawall. I have tried other routes but for some reason they aren't the same. I either bring a camera or I don't, listen to music, or not, but regardless, once a week I love walking the seawall. The seawall is part of my personal world where, if I see a person violating the bike path or littering, it drive me crazy. Winter always depresses me when the wet and cold weather keeps me from walking in the park. When the weather becomes warm in the spring, the first walk around the seawall is incredible. Regardless, this addiction is a harmless habit and good for my health.

On the other hand, I have another addiction which is not healthy and this involves technology. My dependency on my ipod and cell phone has created an interesting backward evolutionary jump, causing back and neck pain to make me hunched over in pain, similar to a greater ape. Additionally, the position of the computers I work on are definitely not ergonomically correct making me homo unerectus. Looking down at my tech toys has caused a back problem which I am spending time and money in a chiropractic office. I'm surprised I haven't started growing another digit on my hands to text faster.

Other people I know have traded addictions; nicotine for exercise, cocaine for caffeine, alcohol for caffeine, work for sympathetic attention. The trades are happening all around us. Love for money, money for power, food for dieting; people barter for a better euphoria, a better high. I quit smoking because it did nothing for me. I was addicted but never used it as a crutch or a security blanket. It was more social, where I had to give up friendships due to neglect, as I didn't hang out in the smoke pit, where relationships were formed with people who all had he same addiction. Whether the replacement addiction has already begun before the old addiction is abandoned, I am unsure.

Everywhere I look I see people with addictions; whether they call them habits or routines, they are still addictions. Some do not need to be terminated, others require immediate removal. The addict, when removed from the activity that gives that person the positive feeling, becomes anxious and irritated, regardless of the irrationality of the addiction. Even people addicted to Apple products, become extremely bothered by Microsoft and its PC -related products. Smokers cannot think rationally when experiencing a nic-fit. People, knowing that fast food is bad for their health, eat McDonalds and KFC, putting rationality on the back burner. Workaholics disregard their mental health by not balancing work with play.

I guess the key is to control these addictions by trading off the bad ones for good ones. I believe everyone can't have all good addictions or they would no doubt be pretty boring. I am trying my best to trade off the bad ones. If I kick this damn shopping habit, a whole bunch of people are gonna be getting some pretty sweet gifts. Additionally, bad habits can be controlled to a minimum if necessary. Go ahead and eat your BigMac but just don't do it everyday. Have a drink or two, just don't go on a bender, blacking out. Once the addiction is out of control, it's time for some assistance.

In The Clouds

2010-10-07T22:49:00.001-07:00

October is in full force as the last rays of sunshine warmed Vancouver yesterday in a final attempt of escape before the cool damp air socks us in. The traffic in the West End has settled and the pedestrians are all carrying out their grocery shopping routines. There are few tourists populating the sidewalks, leaving room to see the local shops slow down, and frozen yogurt stores close for the cold months. The sound of a jack hammer fills the air as a business renovates into new condominiums. Watching Denman Street now, one would never imagine the hustle and bustle during the key summer months.

I worked an enormous amount of hours over the summer, and previously, during the months of the Olympics in the winter. The city, is in a type of mourning, with everyone back to work or school, the leaves dying on the trees, falling gingerly to the pavement. There seems to be more life on my balcony, with the finches, sparrows and chickadees fattening up for the winter. The nightlife is desolate, the seawall is in demolition, being repaired for the next years tourists. At night when I peer out into the darkness, everyone has their lights on as if no one wants to leave their winter den.

My brain, usually working up a storm, gears ticking away, has slowly come to a halt. The uneventful days make for a heavy inefficient thinking process. When the human slows down it's hard to get that human up and going at a decent pace again. This is the same for the human brain. The hectic days filled with endless cooking, strategic ordering, impossible scheduling and little sleep have ended followed with the continuous ticking of the second hand as the days last for an eternity. Trying to explain to my staff that their hours will be cut unless they are willing to change their availability is frustrating. This is probably the only thing keeping my brain active as I have found myself drifting off, unable to focus on the minor task at hand.

My body is firmly planted on the ground, going through the routines of life and work, but my head is floating in the clouds of October. This is when I should be most energized, ready to take on challenges and problem solve at work. Without enough recovery time, holiday pushed to the side again as more work difficulties affect my life, I am like old skin, pinched and then unable to shrink back to the shape it was in before the pinch.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

2010-10-03T00:56:00.000-07:00

I hear the ticking of my inherited cockoo clock counting down the time, the seconds of the evening, as I lay in bed waiting to fall into a deep sleep. Inubriated passersby sing, while stumbling home after a night of drinks, possibly at my workplace. A faint belly laugh from a woman tickles the air while cars lumber by looking for a lucky chance of a close parking spot. The click clack of a pair of high heels rises through my bedroom window and a soft murmur of a conversation drifts in and out of my hearing. These are the familiar sounds of my neighbourhood. City life, full of people, sirens, barking dogs, and loud parties surround me, rocking me to sleep.
Time is on my mind as I try to sleep. Time in relation to age. I have had the pull of the maternal clock and it has almost past as I start a new beginning in my physical life; the twilight of my young days of verility is at hand, soon to be in the rear view mirror as I wipe the steam from my reading glasses. I realize that my 42 year old body is beginning to feel 60 on some days, and that I should treat it with a little more respect, like an elder in my presence. Neck pain, back pain, tooth issues, numbness, forgetfulness...all signs of getting older. I'm like a rubber band that is old and a bit frayed. Over stretching it will cause it to snap, but it will work if it's treated with care. My hormones are also causing me to shed a few more foreign tears at unusual times. This is a bit uncomfortable for witnesses and more for me, a woman of strength and perserverence. I don't cry, especially in front of anyone. It makes me feel weak and and I am anything but weak.
Tick tock tick tock.
Age is impossible to stop as is time. I am always one to embrace my aging, especially givin the genes with which I have been blessed. I am mistaken for someone younger mostly. On the outside I portray a person who is stable and fit, not affected by wrinkles and gray hair, but I have been burdened with neck and back problems for awhile now and am in pain on and off on a weekly basis. I need to find the perfect pillow height for sleeping and I bet I'd wake up feeling younger.
Well, this excerpt of my writing is going in no real direction. I will drift off to the surrounding sounds of my world. Good night and wish me luck.

The Mothering Soul

2010-09-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am not a Mother, technically. I have not given birth or raised an adopted child. I have not chosen to not have kids, I have just not felt I am capable to financially support a child. Considering I am still learning how to financially support my own lifestyle, I always wonder how other people do it with a significantly smaller income. Regardless of the chances I have had to accidentally become a parent but luckily did not succeed, I have been told that I have a mothering soul.

I have been working in the hospitality industry for over twenty years, and have trained hundreds of new employees. Training and raising are not the same but when all of my trainees look up to me like a mother, I begin to wonder if I am getting my fill of motherhood everyday at work. My 'kids' come to me with ailments, financial advice, relationship issues, personal problems and numerous other issues only a parent would experience. The days at work are little tidbits of parenthood that I learn with every interaction I have with my staff. Each personality needs different attention, some need a loving hand while others are independent enough to just give a little pat once and a while.

I have been called 'Mom' by many staff members. Sometimes it bothers me to no end. I understand that I am their boss, and being an older woman with all those snippets of advice from past experience, is a wealth of information for young people learning about how to get through the tough years in their twenties. Why they come to me and tell me things I do not need to know, as an employer is another question. I never really return the information or problems of my life, making me seem like a professional councilor rather than an employer. I hope my advise is worth something as I look at my experiences and wish I took different pathways at certain times of my life.

I had to discipline an employee that is quite capable of understanding his plight. He has been spoken to many times, but my mothering soul looks at him in a light different from other employees. He is always the positivity any kitchen needs, always happy and cheery, ready to smile in the face of chaos rather than the opposite. He is my alter ego, and I love the positive attitude he brings to the kitchen.

I decided to give him a new outlook on his behavior. I had him write himself up. I let him bring home his project, to allow him to think about his answers. He was to return to work on time with his envelope in hand, a better employee. I wasn't sure how he would accept this request, but I know he is an intelligent person and will thrive to impress.

On his return, he was early, and chipper, always willing to please. After a few hours of work I asked him for his 'homework'. He was eager to give it to me and answered all the questions to my approval, including his choice of discipline.

Another example of a different personality, responding positively to a specific route of teaching. I, in this experience, learn to exercise my Motherly Soul. Whether I am a natural mother or an easy soul, always getting along with all types of characters, I am looked upon as a friendly person. Has it advanced me in my life here on Earth? I believe it has. Do good people finish last? It depends on how one looks at the question? I have already fulfilled the Mother in my life, seeing some of my 'kids' succeed and some fail. In the end, I am happy and satisfied, learning about life one day at a time.

Six Years Ago

2010-09-03T23:55:00.000-07:00

It has been six years since the passing of my mother. Six years ago I was grieving and relieved that she was no longer in pain. Six years ago I was consoling my father, as he was devastated at the loss of his life partner. Six years ago, I was with a different partner and a different job. Six years ago, I smoked. Six years ago, I weighed fifteen pounds more. Six years ago I had one cat.

Today, I remembered my mother and how she has affected me inside and out. Today, I miss her and wish she were alive. Today, I received an email from my father reminding me of the importance of today, and smile because he found happiness again, a lucky man he is. Today, I am thankful to have found a new partner who lets me be who I am and understands my stress, as I understand his. Today, I have a different job where I can regal in new accomplishments and appreciate the awards won. Today, I can celebrate over three years of not smoking, without cheating once. Today, I weigh less and feel better overall with my health. Today, I have one cat, but a different cat, the cat my mother owned.

Although people see me everyday and say that I haven't changed, and I myself feel I haven't changed, I have. I am much stronger than six years ago. I recognize my mother in every thing I do, every friendship I make, every time I look in the mirror.

Today, I remember my mother.

Rain rain rain rain rain

2010-08-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

The sound of the daily morning voices reading the day's news stories from the TelePrompTer is what I am accustomed to as I awaken from my sleep. This morning was definitely different. Other than staying up later than usual, causing me to sleep through the morning news programmed to ease me out of my morning dreams, my reason for sleeping in was quite obvious...work. This was my day off. After hearing the news that the bad apple had fallen from the tree, I needed some rest before my next few weeks of finding a new addition or two for the team, with whom I spend half of my life. Filling the holes in the schedule is easier, knowing that the elation of the team, caused by this recent incident, has changed the overall attitude of the staff. After a nice long sleep, the foreign sound that gently woke me was rain, large drops smacking against the window, ringing off the window pane and balcony railing.

Okay, yes, the title of this blog states that I live in Canada's rain forest, so why would the sound of rain wake me? Looking at my stress this year, ultimately making me rethink my direction in life, I recognize it all began with the turn in the weather. The month of June was hideous, filled with the monotonous days of gray clouds, chilly temperatures and wet clothing from the heavy rain showers, surprising hopeful Vancouverites, whom had chosen not to carry an umbrella. Once July began, the sun forced it's way into the city full force, causing a seemingly marathon-like heatwave, melting the core being of every cook. I drank so much water during these summer months, attempting to replenish the drops of salty sweat dripping from every pore. Cooking in a hot kitchen during a heat wave makes you realize that you can sweat from anywhere on your body, even your knees. The hours during these months continued to pile up on my shoulders, strengthening the base for my future hump. It seemed the endless heat would never break. As Vancouverites all know, the Pacific National Exhibition, the annual fair, would put a plug in the nonstop heat and bring rain. It seems the Fair always is hampered by rain at some point during the two weeks of it's run.

Today it was my day off; sleeping in is always my first priority, considering my start times range from 6am to 9am, almost similar to being back in school again. Having two appointments back to back today was the one reason for eventually pouring myself out of bed, body maintenance saving me from turning into a crippled old lady with a hunchback. Originally, I was weary about going to see a chiropractor and massage therapist regularly, never wanting to depend on medical assistance to physically get through my day. Now, I look forward to the appointments, helping me avoid the pain. Once I pulled myself out of my cozy bed, showered and dressed appropriately for the weather, I mentally prepared for the different environment assaulting me as I walked out the front door of my apartment building.

The rain was cool, soothing the city from it's months of dusty smoggy days, crunchy brown straw covering the boulevards and previously lush green lawns, pine needles, dried tree branches and leaves from thirsty trees coating the ground in every park and forest in the province. Opening up my black umbrella, I stepped into the wet weather happy that I decided to wear a scrunchy scarf around my neck, keeping me from the unusual August chill enhanced by the misty damp showers sneaking up under my mobile awning from the gusts of wind attempting to mask late August as October.

The appointments were quick and informative, progress being made every time I am tortured from neck to waist, and every crack of each vertebrae in my spinal column. I made more future appointments, and rode the elevator to the lobby of the medical building in hopes the sun had won out over the stormy clouds. To no avail, the weather had not changed. I opened my umbrella and sauntered out on to the busy street, walking in the direction of my scheduled rainy day routine. I love to pass the day on a wet day inside, shopping for bargains and emptying my brain of all thoughts. Usually I wear my ipod, drowning out the sounds of conversations. Today I welcomed the eavesdropping on other lives while I emptied my stress, sliding each hanger adorned with discounted, dismissed clothes. I pass by the the purses and bags, a new addiction, especially as I realize my previous purses were creating an abnormal muscular knot on one side of my shoulders. Always having a reason for a purchase, I bought a purse which was water proof, ideal for my netbook, on which I am blogging most often. It was raining and my current purse was becoming a bit soggy.

Out of the first store, I cross the street to the next, not fully satisfied with my shopping. I rise to the top level of the department store, the bargain penthouse rather than basement, and begin the long search for something to feed my addiction. Catching my eye immediately, I come upon another garment for which I have another affinity, . Is it the theme of the day, rain, which makes me pull it off the rack and try it on? Is it the color, red, which always focuses attention on me immediately, attention I say I hate but find impossible from which to walk away. A classic trench coat, a designer name brand, with excellent quality and amazing fit. I have a closet full of jackets, coats and sweaters, all cheaply made, bland or simply not fitting me correctly. I put the coat down and walk away, telling myself I don't need it, but I am pulled back to the rack like a magnet to a fridge. People tell me regularly that red is my color. I check the price tag recognizing an amazing sale of seventy percent of the original price. I checked all the sizes, trying to find a second excuse for buying the trench, or is this the fourth reason? I pulled it off the rack, being the only size left that fits me, and promptly purchase my new red trench, hopefully waiting to cheer up the city amongst the black and khaki trenches worn by the downtown population.

Out into the blustery day I raise my umbrella, walking home with my addiction fixed for the moment. I enter my apartment and cook some late lunch or early dinner, listening to my aging cat speak to me of her time while I was away. Napping after eating, I listen to the rain dripping on my balcony, while the television natters on about the current gossip of entertainers. My day off was half over, but mostly done, as I have no desire to leave my humble abode again. I spend the evening watching mindless boob tube shows while attempting to retrain my cat on where her litter box has been repositioned. She has entered her twilight years, accidents on the carpet and hours of sleep, a path which I have walked with a past pet, Sebastian. This time I will not make my current cat a pin cushion, tested for solutions to an uncontrollable situation - aging. At 18 years old, Princess, has lived the life of which her name signifies. An indoor cat, sleeping and eating are her main activities. She enjoys hours of lounging on a chair on the balcony during the summer months, sleeping all night long el fresco often when it is warm enough. Her aging symptoms are usual, most likely the slowly deterioration of her kidneys, resulting in more water intake. Comfort, water, and clean litter boxes are all she needs, as the medical advice suggests, unless re-hydrating her every two weeks intravenously is an option. My cat has never left the apartment in six years, transporting her would be more traumatizing and no doubt will speed her aging. As long as she is comfortable I will be satisfied.

Now it is dark, the rain has stopped and I begin my nightly routine of watching the news, just as I regularly awaken daily. I have an addiction to the newscast also. Perhaps, I should attempt to wander off the routine path once and awhile, but today was not the day. Mindlessness was much needed, the rain washing away the dust and dirt from the city streets, and my own mind.

Ask and You Shall Receive

2010-08-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was in Elementary School. Young and naive, learning and not knowing it in my classroom. Those days were such fantastic innocent times. The friendly mothering teacher taught us all to never be afraid to ask questions. That's how we all learn. No question is a silly question. Time passed and the innocence faded as we all got older. Teasing and bullying began quietly when competitiveness entered the ring. I remember asking a question in class once and heard the lilt of twittering snickers behind me. Of course the teacher scolded the students, but that first stab of embarrassment and teasing will stay with me forever. Since then, I made it my mission to know everything about everything, or shut up. Don't ask questions for fear my peers would laugh at me, pointing at my ignorance. I was not cool if I asked a question.

Through Secondary School this was not apparent in my learning process as I remained steadfast on the honor roll annually. I made sure I earned the best marks to prove I was an ideal student and still popular with the in crowd. Asking questions in front of my classmates was a gamble. Either I would look stupid if my query was silly or I would look too involved in the school work and be classified as an egghead. Not asking questions was safe; better safe than sorry. Sorry is a relative term in the context of that chapter of my life. Sorry meant, in my teenage years, unable to avoid the slings and arrows of my so called friends and peers. Always trying to fit in, eluding the simple questions I could have asked to help me in my studies, I managed to chip away at my self confidence, while building a false sense of self. Regardless of the marks I achieved in school, and post secondary education, I am more book smart than life smart.

So, as I write this I realize that we all grow at different rates and I seem to be learning the basics far later in life than most. When I went to university, I was able to take on a new persona but I was unable to build my self-confidence, each class becoming harder and harder. The classes were enormous; standing and asking a question was not an option with three hundred people possibly laughing at me for my ignorance. As the terms went by, I gradually lost honor roll standing, avoiding the imminent embarrassment of being in the spotlight as the loser in the class.

Now, at the tender age of 42 years young, I am not known as a shy person. I may not mingle with new people easily but I am not one to hide in the corner. I have had many nights where I will argue my point and stand tall, perhaps making up for all those years, fearful of being embarrassed. I am still one not to get into a confrontation, avoiding any possible face to face disagreement. If another person provokes me into a verbal fight, I will vie to the death. I am fairly uncomfortable in those situations but not unfamiliar with defending my core being. It rarely happens and I will avoid those scenarios if I can see them in my rear view mirror.

This passive aggressive behavior has advantages and disadvantages. Rarely do I involve myself in disagreements. I am always looking to make my bubble harmonized with the people and situations in my vicinity. If there is any possible threat to my bubble, I generally decide going deeper in my cave is better than outwardly showing my unhappiness. This backfires, in that, I have a tendency to save the stress and release it all at once. Additionally, I tend to blow off issues needing immediate focus, avoiding the possibility of a negative outcome.

Recently, I was presented with a challenge which would ultimately result in a loss to my lifestyle regardless of my choice. After suffering almost a year of stress at work, trying to fit a square peg in to circle hole, I was asked if simply removing the square peg would make my stress disappear. Problem being, removing the square peg resulted in the loss of my vacation time. I chose the happiness of my staff and myself over my vacation. Altruistic, I am, but also, understanding that removing the thorn from the paw and letting it heal, is a better option rather than trying to run on an injured paw, with the thorn causing a more painful infection. Yes, I left the thorn in for a bit too long, but I never made the choice to remove it from the throbbing paw. It fell out on its own, immediately relieving the pain. I am happier when my surrounding staff are happy. Without the thorn, my staff are elated and I have gained an enormous amount of respect and gratitude without confronting the problem head on.

Now, as the paw heals, the thorn will always be in the recesses of my memory, splinters of it spread around, impossible to remove, the scar tissue visible for all to see. Have I learned from my Shakespearean character flaw? Will this change my flight rather than fight characteristic? If there is a fork in the road clearly labeled "the wrong way", will I choose it just to avoid the challenge?

Time Wasted is Time Lost

2010-08-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

Time...time on my hands. How do I fill the empty hours of my tediously work-filled life. Amazingly with all of the Disneyland desires fulfilled, I somehow require more. My appetite is a continuously growing monster, demanding food from all reaches, rather than just the simple staples of everyday meals. I am not desiring more so to speak, but rather variety.

I am soon to have a break from the monotony of my employment in the hectic world of hospitality. For a manager, especially a kitchen manager, this is practically impossible. There are many reasons for this predicament, first being, the nature of the person taking that role is, in general, a workaholic. I fill my life with work, making everything part of my life, from friends to home life. If you are addicted to the enjoyment of being needed, you feel you can't take a break.

The second reason for never taking a vacation or a break revolves around the type of employees that work in the restaurant business. Although they are all good people, they tend to either have other priorities in their life goals or, worse yet, no focus on their future. This leaves the reliability aspect of the job a bit in question. As a manager of a kitchen in a sports themed restaurant, there is a precariously balanced Jenga Tower built resembling the kitchen; the economy affects the pay rate, the quality of employee, the amount of employees. Weather affects the sales of the restaurant, the hours employees work, the general mood of the staff, and ultimately the desire of staff to actually work. The personalities of the staff need to be intricately interwoven to make the machine run smoothly. With one person missing the machine can run inefficiently. Others that fill in, work too many hours, decreasing efficiency and clashes can occur.

After all of these arrows continuously battering the Tower I have built, I also have to be able to leave that Tower and hope it is still standing when I return. I must choose the best opportune time to take enough time off to recharge and ultimately be sufficiently recharged to begin to reinforce the Tower for more battle. In someways I wish to see the battle end, to simply find a new challenge, to be part of the outside world looking in, with the memories behind me. I would be able to enjoy a dinner out again. I would live a life not waiting for my phone to ring with more missing employees or troubles to solve. Friends and loved ones say I would miss it, probably needing to detox from the insanity of my current situation. Others I work with say that they couldn't do it without me, internally planting the seed of guilt which grows so well in the soil of my addicted brain. That sickly sweet feeling of appreciation built by creating a position that no one could possibly fill, is like a bee attracted to a flower, regardless of the smell.

There is something to be said about being a natural leader. The gratitude and appreciation is addictive. The work needed to reach a level of trust is immense. Being taken advantage of begins as 'doing people favours', which quickly becomes old and you start feeling like that used, torn cloth in the kitchen. It's hard to drop the position of leader when you've been looking out over the world from atop the Tower you've built. I have never walked into a new place of employment in a leadership position. I like to see the whole Tower, or what's left of it, checking every nook and cranny, inspecting the weaknesses. This way, it's easy to fill in the cracks and repair the weak spots before building. Sometimes digging down is better than building on an uneasy base.

My new palette has been starting to eat away at me from the inside out. I have looked at myself lately, thinking about how and why I am where I am. I am no Chef by any means. I am definitely not one to sit and think and breathe food. As a matter of fact I don't even really like food that much. People I work with practically fall over in shock when they actually see me eat. I believe eating is simply an addition to life like music, clothes, decor, and pets. Yes, food can be good, delicious, forgetful, or down right disgusting. These are choices we all make to fill our little profile package to determine our personality. The fact that I do what I do for a living is even foreign to me.

My recent introspection has made me think about the activities I enjoy out of life; things that distract me to the point that I forget about my current situation. Passions, heart thumping moments in my little world that I have created. I turned off my path to peek out beyond the barriers around my street to see if I would be accepted or even noticed. Recently, I took my resume, updated it and sent it out to a possible 'job of passion'. Immediately there was a response, a helping hand over my fence to see what was on the other side. Little did I realize that my path was connected to hands pulling me back. Even though I spoke to the foreigner of my world over the fence, my grip wasn't strong enough to climb over. I did see the immense countryside of freedom and it isn't lost in my memory.

The one passion I followed was animal based, as I have an affinity towards animals of all types. I wanted to be a veterinarian when I was much younger but never followed my passion. The job offered attracted me - Store Director of a Pet Food Supply Store. I answered this advertisement because I felt I had the management experience and leadership qualities they were looking for and my natural passion for animals was a given. Unfortunately, the hospitality industry has quite a good grip and pulled me back in, not being able to attend any interviews during the busiest time of the year. Of course, some friends told me to call in sick, but being on the butt end of that situation, I would never return that agony. I refuse to lose respect of my staff for an interview which could ultimately leave them abandoned. Additionally, there was no guarantee of a job, just an invitation to enjoy the fields on the other side of my fence.

This has not deterred me from my search but simply showed me that I would be accepted in a similar position of leadership, not unlike a student in college who is accepted because of life experience.... I have always known since I was in high school that I found writing to be easy and even enjoyable. I was never afraid of handing in a written project if it involved creative thought and story creating. I have had a journal off and on but never was consistent in my writing. I do use my writing now as a tool to relax, write out my feelings and tell stories. I have always been a good speller and, although it's been years since I have had to practice being grammatically correct, I am able to hold my own. This has had me searching easy lower copy editing positions. Nothing as of yet has passed my eyes in my hunt but i am hopeful.

I digress off the main topic of my upcoming time off... In about two weeks I will be getting time off. Now, a preferred vacation with the man in my life would be great but not possible. He needs to pay the bills and the general rule with the hospitality industry is that holidays happen when it's slow - September, October, November, January, February. Of course, his industry has no set busy time, post production for movies and TV. His industry is dependent on the economy solely. If the Canadian dollar is low, more work comes his way. Now he is balancing two jobs. This means I take vacation alone or keep working until we can match up our lives, work-wise. I need this time off for mental therapy, so alone it is.

Choices, choices. What do I like doing and what will I do? I am needing to deflate and have enough time to empty the bricks of stress blocking my mental efficiency. I need to do something easy, mindless, relaxing, familiar, quiet and definitely away from work. The first thing that popped into my mind was a nice B&B by the ocean with wildlife and in a small quaint town. Qualicum Beach popped into my head as I know the town well, travel to and from the town on my own, friends live close by and all of my core passions are there; beach, wildlife, silence, shopping, stars, and no-stress-living. Although it is a remnant of my past, I believe it has been long enough to revisit this special and beautiful town. Yes, it is my ex boyfriend's hometown, but I will be staying in a B&B and he won't be there. It's not about him it's about me. He showed me the area and now I want to see it. Knowing it inside and out is good in that it is no stress. While I'm here I can practice wildlife photography and spend time writing. I just wonder how many days I want to go for without overdoing the trip or, reversely, not recharging enough.

This way I can 'discover' myself. I hate that saying. I always thought it was an excuse for having no future goals.Well, at least I can say I am going somewhere for an extended amount of time without depending on anyone. No one else. I wonder if I will return wanting out of my cage more than when I started my time off. Only time will tell. So, as I quoted someone's saying, "Time wasted is time lost". Have I wasted half my life figuring out that I need to fulfill my passions? Maybe, but hey, I'm not dead, at least not yet. Hopefully, I can climb over that fence to a free pasture. Hopefully, viewing the hospitality industry from the other side will reinstate the actual definition of hospitality rather causing my shoulders to tighten up into a knot, causing numbness in my fingers.

How to Enjoy Your Day Off When You are a Workaholic...

2010-08-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

After working day in and day out in a busy restaurant, sweating up a storm over open flame in 30 degree heat, having a day off can be a foreign situation. When the drama of the day is multiplied by 100 during the summer thanks to the raise in sales, requests for days off from staff, on top of the numerous key events that boost our sales over the top, your scheduled routine is simply sleep-work-sleep-work. I have been lucky to finally get 2 days off and my mind is still needing to be busy. Sleeping in is hard as waking up at 6am on a regular basis can create an inner alarm clock that pushes you out of bed when the sun is up.

Yesterday I was sitting around in my apartment until I finally got outside and went for a walk. I was intent on just looking in windows but, of course, I was sucked into my favourite "pass the time" store - Winners - and came out with some more clothes. In the approving eyes of Stacey London from What Not To Wear, I bought some perfect clothes to change my look. She would approve. The day went by quickly and effortlessly. With music in my ears tuning out the surrounding stress of the city, I was able to go through racks of clothes and pass the time, work stress escaping my body, every step I took.

Today, my cat woke me up, tapping me in on the nose, mewing in my ear. As I slowly arose from my sleep, I decided on a breakfast of cereal and yogurt with blueberries, coffee and juice. My tv showing my morning guilty pleasure (What Not To Wear and The View) as I decide what I have planned for my day, I listen to the chickadees peeping over the bird seed treats I have on my balcony. I have decided on a Park day with my camera. Get some use out of my $400 Canon, with the ability to zoom in on bald eagles and such. I must pick up an item for the kitchen before but after that Stanley Park. The only unfortunate thing is that the city has decided repairs to the seawall are important during the summer months.

Hopefully, this will relax me a bit before returning to my high stress job tomorrow. I am kind of excited for a week off to do "nothing". Now if I could just get the stress out of my shoulders.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-07-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

I am sunburned. At 42 years of age, one would think that experience with the sun and fair skin would automatically set off a sunscreen alert. Sometimes I think I am disregarding obvious warnings in hopes that I will wake up one day, in a different life. When I was in university I had a great plan to write a novel. The story would be autobiographical but written as fiction. The life of a young adult entering her life, post secondary school, crossing a street and her life flashes before her eyes. The novel would be this character's life before she crosses that street. I wasn't quite sure how it would end, similar to my view of my own future, but I knew it would end as it began, with that step out onto the street. I guess if I write the novel now I would have more to fill my story...

My interest in writing comes from my initial diary entries, although I hated that I 'needed' to write my thoughts down daily. For some reason when I was a 'tween' my friends all had diaries and wrote in them daily, if not hourly. Sometimes I didn't have much to say and I felt I was 'failing' by not writing everyday. I sometimes feel that way today with this little blog, but I do realize that I amazingly have nothing to say. My friends and loved ones would not believe this, as I am known to be opinionated. Regardless, writing makes me relax.

My stories and ideas seem to be more like premonitions. My novel I had planned to write was quite similar to a movie released in the 90s, "Me, Myself, I". A woman is hit by a car and wakes up in a completely alternate life. She has to live in this new lifestyle, while the alternate woman who was living in that life was in her original life. When I saw the movie, I seriously thought someone had stolen my ideas. Before the many movies of insects I had an idea for a great commercial. I woke one morning, opening my eyes slowly focusing on a line of ants crawling up my desk beside my bed. The line of marching ants went all the way from the window across the room, up the side of the desk and into a can of Coca Cola. Another line was leaving the soda can and off to the window. I thought what a great idea for a Coke commercial. A close up of that ant trail all marching in line to the choice of Pepsi or Coke. The ants chose coke in the commercial. Of course, there were a bunch of animated bug movies after that. Antz, A Bug's Life, Bee Movie, Ant Bully.

I digress from the title of this writing project. Changes. Yes, I am at a part of my life where I need a change. I was with my guy the other day and passed a store which made me think back to a fork in the road of my life. I have been working in the restaurant industry for 20 years. Ugh I write that and am shocked at that amount of time sweating in kitchens, training younger fresh faces and dealing with the stress of crazy busy rushes. I had a chance to work outside of a kitchen and passed it down. I applied for a job as a manager of a pet supplies store. I have always loved animals, owning 5 cats, 10 fish, 3 turtles and befriend every dog I see. I was asked in for a third interview even and turned the job down, afraid of leaving my comfort zone. Yes it would have been a pay cut, but being around animals all day, and their owners, may have been worth it. Even as a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian. I loved the show All Creatures, Great and Small. I wasn't quite into the farm animals, being a city girl, but working with animals was a dream. Regrets are good though. It gives me a focus outside of work. Something for which to possibly strive.

So, these thoughts of regret and paths in my life, have been pushed into the limelight because of my lack of motivation in my current career. I was thrown into the restaurants during my college and university years. I worked full time to pay for school. I worked so much that I lost sleep and finally interest in my studies. I was studying phys ed in university and and lost interest because of the decrease in PE teachers in schools. The government took away the programs thus, PE teachers weren't needed. In turn, I continued in restaurants reluctantly. Time flies in the hospitality industry. Seasons fly by so quickly. Then you notice years have flown by. Now I wonder if I made the right choice.

I am a persistent person. Whatever I put my mind to, I do it. If I want something, I get it. It's not surprising that I am doing well in my career. I just wonder if I could excel in a different career? I know that the repeating stress and frustrations of the restaurant industry are beginning to make me weary. I feel I have pretty much had enough of the kitchen world. I rarely enjoy cooking at work. At home I love cooking when I feel like it. It's like a chore to me now and not fun. This is a red light for me saying I need a change. People say I need a vacation but I would still need to come back and work.

I think I just need a change. I need to recognize the signs, whether they be to wear sunscreen or to follow your passions.

World Cup 2010 vs Winter Olympics 2010

2010-06-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

Regardless of the skeptics, Vancouver is a "fun zone". Starting from February 2010 through to immediately RIGHT NOW, there has been something going on in the sports world to keep the city alive. No matter whether you are a sports fan, there is always a reason to party! The Winter Olympics in Vancouver were full of exciting times. Welcome visitors from all over the globe settled in this humble little jewel of a city to compete and enjoy the sights and sounds of Vancouver. Working in the hospitality industry made for busy times, always on call ready for the next event, and Gold Medal, pumping sales up into record breaking history. We were warned of the upcoming chaos and were sufficiently staffed and prepared. Graveyard shifts and extra staff covered every moment of excitement. The preparations and experience gained over the two months became a distant memory during the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Every game seemed easy compared to the nights of Hockey Canada Olympic mayhem. So easy to plan for the next game. Every Canuck game brought in the people and all the hockey fans from the Olympics. Unfortunately, the Canucks lost in the second round of the Stanley Cup run and business again slipped. Luckily Vancouver had a boost of good weather, making the patios for all the bars and restaurants full and lively again.

Just as Vancouver was about to relax for te usual lull between NHL and summer, World Cup 2010 comes around and every bar is alive with more sporting fans. Even people who hate 'football' are into the excitement of the live action on CBC. The colors of every country in the tournament are displayed in full force. The continuous hum of the horns in the stadium resonate through the broadcast like a swarm of bumble bees. Cheers are sudden and chanting is accepted at all times. I am still waiting for the singing to break out.

In the end, Vancouver is still fun, regardless of the time of year. The weather is the damper but World Cup seems to win out everytime. Vancouver is known for its rainy days and nights. This weather justs makes everyone enjoy the sunshine so much more when it shines its warm rays on our many faceted diamond of a city.

Freaky Friday......

2010-06-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

!!!Happy Friday!!!!

Well, I slept very well last night in await of the morning birds chirping in my ear, the sun hitting my face through my bedroom window, and the spray of water hitting my face from my cat, who enjoys drinking from my water glasses with her paw. Of course the sleep was so sound do to the double dose of muscle relaxants I took before bed to ensure my dazed dreams. So, as I opened my eyes and pushed my cat away from my water glass, I noticed immediately, that my neck was amazingly better.
As my chiropractor said, "You'll be better by Friday". I didn't believe him because I was in so much pain still. Well, surprise, surprise....I can turn my head. I am still tight but at least I am not in pain. Stretch stretch stretch. On my way out yesterday I remember his last words. "Don't over do it tomorrow".

Today was like a day from Hell. What a surprise. Of course it was, considering my haunting echo of my chiropractor's last words. We had a prep board that was enormous, a busy day of welcome customers and a huge order to put away. Not to mention the party of 50 I had to cater on top of all the other prep. There was a NHL Playoff game too. Anyways, I got quite a work out lifting and lifting and lifting some more. Over do it? Let's just say I am unaware of the meaning of that saying.

Now, 10.5 hours later, I am happy be off work, drinking a Red Roof cider in my other living room...Checkers Bar and Grill. Hopefully I will feel better again tomorrow.

OUCHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-06-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ever had a stiff neck? No really, like so freaking stiff, that you can't move your head AT ALL!??? Gawd! Over the past week I have a stiff neck until one morning, two days ago, when I awoke from my slumber in absolute agony. The pillows with which I boosted my head, managed to be so supportive that they completely reshaped my spine! My neck was so crooked it had immobilized my head.

After a half a day at work, I called a number I should have called much earlier...my chiropractor. I went to see him a couple of years ago when my muscles in my neck were so tight that I lost the feeling in my fingers. Weirdly enough, I enjoyed the cracking sound of all my vertebrae but the cost of that combined with massage therapy, was digging a very deep crevasse in my savings plan. The bruising routine of trying to break through my superhero bullet proof back and neck was becoming too expensive for my wallet so I had to quit the routine.

So today, after another intensive test of my pain threshold, I was told by my doctor to treat my body better and use the medical services available on my insurance plan. I must start a strict weekly regimen of massage again and a bimonthly cracking appointment. I am like a golf ball, tightly wound, which, if damaged, will create an explosion. Hence my neck is in the shape it is, with those muscles seizing up and misaligning my spine. Geeze, those damn pillows. If I don't do this, I will be like those crumpled hunchbacked women walking along, looking like the crazy old cat lady everyone remembers from their childhood. With the mount of cat hair on my clothes sometimes, I'm halfway there!

So, having nothing to do but relax yesterday and today, I managed to watch two movies and surf the web, while heating and stretching my neck to no avail. My pain continues but my mobility is getting better. On my studies on the net I discovered things I wanted to buy for myself. Of course, I can still shop while sitting on my couch. Both items are gadgets. I have lost some interest in shopping for clothes, shoes and housewares lately and now am focusing on other fun toys.

The first fun must have was a netbook. Now I know you ask, why, since I have an ipod touch. I continue to tell people how great it is, but I do find its limits are irritating. In a previous blog I spoke of the inability of my ipod to support flash player. This drives me crazy and I finally decided if I want a better gadget I need to go a bit bigger. I tried a friend's netbook the other day and enjoyed it, regardless of the ever irritating Windows XP OS. This little taste of a new toy made me rationalize my way into buying a hardly used ASUS EEE PC 701 netbook from Craigslist.
The first use is to be able to place my online orders from home, as the safari browser and firefox browser are not acceptable with the website for my main online orders for work. Also, inventory and other paperwork can be much faster on the netbook. My memory stick for work fits in the netbook with ease.
The second use is faster easier uploads of my photos to the Hancock Wildlife website immediately. The netbook takes memory cards from cell phones and digital cameras. Cool!
The third use is faster and immediate blogging, as I am doing now. I can just begin writing, which tends to be another hobby of mine.
Finally, the size of this little netbook is perfect for portability. It fits in a purse and it is a tough little unit.

The second item on my wish list is not attainable. The Noki a N900 Rover Smart Phone and Tablet. It is absolutely amazing, that is in comparison to the iphone/ipod touch. Multitasking, Flash Player, memory, speed, etc etc. Check it out!

So, injuries make me inactive except my brain. I get restless when I can't move around or do stuff. I guess it makes me determined on my focal point. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is still in question...

Mmmmmmmmmmonday

2010-04-12T20:41:00.001-07:00

Monday night. Couching it while watching the boob tube. House, 24, whatever else is on. Hanging out with my pet cat, while cuddling on the couch under a blanket. Dinner in my tummy, peppermint tea in my cup. Relaxing is great.

One Step Forward Three Steps Back

2010-04-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves payday. It's almost a celebratory moment when you get your cheque and pay your bills, and then you have money left over. Wow. So, having this situation presented to me, and being alone for five days, of course, I went out to enjoy my evening with some pals at my local watering hole. Yes, relaxing ended up being more like slipping into a coma, but I needed to have a night out. On to the theme of this essay though.
One step forward signifies the payment of bills that were collecting around my desk, collecting small cognitive pinpricks everytime I pulled out my wallet for the last month. I do have that damn gene most women have resulting in loads of stuff to avoid singed jeans pockets from money burning. Because of this damn gene with which I have been bogged down, I have accumulated a large wardrobe and fun things to entertain my easily bored being. As a result, I have those damn bill to pay. Shopping online is convenient but it does take money out of your credit card far too easily. The first purchase is hard and then it becomes a breeze, racking up credit like there's no tomorrow.

Three steps back - what do you think that means? Well, I made the mistake of paying too many bills to catch up and forgot about my damn account at the bank which has a little gimmick that holds any money over a certain set rate. Now I have to wait fir 6 working days to have that extra money clear to my account. So, the natural reaction? The shiny, happy card that was the official credit card of the 2010 Winter Olympics. Augh. The continuous circle of credit. Fun.
Anyways, I have to keep up appearances, right

Rain, Rain Go Away!

2010-04-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, 'my Saturday', is over. Thank you, Wednesday, for being an ugly, wet, cold, windy and grey day. We woke up, sipping our coffee after a restful sleep on our new pillows, looking out the window at the type of day David Duchovny would bitch about on talk shows. After deciding to eat breakfast at home, showering and getting ready to fight the depressing low ceiling outside, we dragged ourselves into the car to do a new activity. Over choices of the Aquarium and lunch with a relative, we opted for bowling - 10 pin OF COURSE!

Of course, it was definitely fun for an hour or so. I won 2 outta 3 games! We were both pathetic haha but it was fun. Then the decision on lunch, which is always a dilemma since we have set restaurants we like but we are getting bored of them. Hence
our trip to Locus yesterday. He chose Pho so off we went to Pho Huang on Main Street. We ate our meal and then looked at our watches - 2:30pm. My choice was next. With the rain and the food making me sleepy, I would have rather crawled under a blanket and napped but I made a decision which I would regret.....METROTOWN! NOOOOOOOOoooooo!

So, driving the longest, most irritating street ever in Vancouver, Kingsway, proved to turn my mood, as I groaned and moaned (that is a weak version of my real reactions) at the drivers in this city. We arrived to a boring, uninteresting mall. We went to T & T Market and I was about to pass out from the violent olfactory assault from a combination of mildew, rotting fish and indescribable ammonia. I actually had to breathe through my mouth while wondering aloud how no one was smelling the horrendous odour.

While my guy was in the washroom I found a vending machine and popped in some coin to buy us cute toys...a jelly yellow LED glowing duck with an afro made of gel and a mini pirate voodoo doll. Those at least put a smile on our faces. Then off to Winners, which is my rainy day cure-all. Unfortunately, the boredom was not possible to hide on my Frog Prince's face so I forced him out of there. We quickly left the mall as I admitted my regret and disappointment at my desperate decision. I hate wasting days off sitting around doing nothing but this was not the best idea.

So, off to my apartment and another long hour of deciding on where to eat. We settled on Olympia on Denman and ate our dinner discussing our day of mediocrity and how sore we will be tomorrow. We are not spring chickens anymore... He will be off to Vegas Saturday morning for an NAB Conference for 4 days. I am back to work tomorrow. Yawn. I think we should have overdosed on Vitamin D for extra 'sunshine' today. Oh well, hopefully when he returns, we will have 'something to do'!!!

Ostrich, Ikea and Lazy Days

2010-04-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a lazy day. I woke up at 10am in an array of stuffed animals, all frogs bought for me by my guy, the Frog Prince himself. I dragged my butt out of bed and brewed coffee while watching the crazy antics of the women from The View. Apparently, Scrabble UK is making a special edition allowing proper nouns. Luckily Hasbro, owners of Scrabble in North America, will not alter the rules.... Thank You.

After two cups of java and an Internet search of info on the show 24, last season ya know, my Prince showed up to take me to lunch. Locus on Main Street and King Edward Avenue is a great place for brunch, lunch, dinner, drinks, anything. He had the bison scrambler with chilis while I had the lunch special - ostrich pearl stuffed with mushrooms, topped with garlic pesto butter, sothered in jus and served with corn, baby zucchini, green onions and carrots. Yummy! Fresh squeezed OJ too. Mmmm. If you get a chance to go to Locus, please do! Deliscious!

After our gourmet brunch we decided the weather was too bizarre to chance an outdoor activity, so we drove out Richmond and toured around Ikea. I love going there to open and close the kitchen drawers and cabinets, in awe of the storage saving surprises in every hidden cavity of each layout. Unfortunately I had no real need for anything, so the drama, focus and passion of shopping in Swedenland was lost. I spent under $5 on 4 bowls for my cat's food and a funnel set for my guy. He spent half that on 2 hotdogs and a drink afterwards, the prize for making it through the zigzaging route in the jungle of teak and pine assembled furniture.

The next trip was a surprise. He was going to buy me something that I needed but I wouldn't buy for myself. he drove to Oakridge Mall and walked me through the aisles and finally brought me to the memory foam pillows. Surprise! He bought me a
pillow for my head since his pillows seem to rack my neck when I sleep over. They were on sale which was even better! So he bought a bigger one for himself.

Now, after a quick trip to Buy Low Foods for dinner food, we sit on his couch as he naps and I blog. Lazy lazy lazy days. Yawn.

Technology, the iPad and Me

2010-04-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

So, as you can see by my first post before this edit, I am not the technological geek for which my friends perceive me. I am known to be carrying two gadgets with me constantly. My mobile phone, which changes with the seasons depending on whether it breaks, I break it or I lose it; and my iPod touch. I spend so much time on both toys it's silly. Friends ask me why I just don't combine the two and get an iPhone. There is one main reason - cost. I spend 1/5th the cost on my cell than people do on their iPhone. I have an unlimited plan to text for free on my cell and rarely use my phone to dial out. I never call long distance. So why would I pay more?

My iPod acts as a netbook really. Wifi spots and my home wifi allow me to use it like a laptop. I have an application to work on templates and word documents so I can do my paperwork from virtually anywhere. I Facebook, Twitter, surf the web, email, order online even from my iPod. Sure it's creating a lazy human but it is also allowing me to destress away from the office, working in the comfort of my chosen surrounding, while avoiding an enourmous mobile bill and lugging around a bulky laptop.

Setting up this incredible little technological wonder was, at first, a bit foreign to me. I couldn't get the wifi modem to pair with my iPod but with a ltitle help from my Internet supplier online, I received simple instructions to make my device compatible with my wireless modem. Fortunately I kept those instructions because my little mini computer decided to reject my modem pairing. Perhaps they had a little tiff and wanted to have a break for a while. To no avail I searched my desk for those instructions and in no time - BAM - a truce was created and I was cruising on line again!

All of this inconvenience made me think about the upcoming chaos with the iPad, soon to be sold in Canada. This new piece of technology being introduced to the public seems to me to be a larger version of the iPhone or iPod touch. From watching the previews and all the reviews, it seems to be my iPod but 6 times the size! So, of course, I thought 'wow'. This could be a neat new toy on which I could do all of my projects and leisure activities. Then as I pondered the wonders of Apple's new invention, I began to imagine its use in my world. The reason I like my iPod is it's size and it's one-hand use (coffee or beer or wine or food or umbrella or etc... in the other). I think that using it without a stand would be difficult because the physical process of using the touch screen on an iPod or iPhone is either with two thumbs or fingers. With the iPad you would need to set the tablet down and type on it like a laptop. I think this makes the iPad less efficient for quick access to type, especilly if there is no flat surface on which to lay the iPad down. What would I do with my coffee?

The size of the iPad seems great if you want to read books, newspapers, etc on the touch screen. Unforunately, the inconvenience of it not fitting in your pocket or small purse, creates the need for a bigger carry bag or case ( or pocket). The ease in which I can transport my iPod seems to outweigh the extra accesories needed to protect an iPad, requiring a bigger touch screen protecting film, an outer protective shell and a carry case, nevermind the need for a portable flat surface such as an attaching stand or 'easel' of some sort.

Yes, I may have becomeca bit of a Mac snob, but I don't think I will be requiring an iPad soon. The final disadvantage in the mix for me is the frusration with my iPod - no flash player ability. The iPad also has this disadvantage which renders it simply a large iPod touch in my eyes. I can guarantee a future shift in my feelings when I actually get my little ungeeky paws on an iPad. For some reason the feel of Apple toys are addictive. Whether I like it, love it or am indifferent, will only be answered at a later date.

Pride House at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver 2010

2010-02-10T18:09:00.000-08:00

Pride House is a very important community addition needed during the Olympics. With so many people in town, it is a perfect time to represent ALL of the diversity of this city. Each and every country involved in the Olympics are here to compete and to join together as one, with one goal in each and every heart - GOLD.

The medals may represent different things for each person. The concept of winning and losing is simply the gimmick to the end result -bringing the world together in peaceful competition. To show human kind that we all can live and compete in this world, without war.

Vancouver, and Canada, is a microcosm of what the Olympics is about. The many ethnic groups, cultures, ages, and, YES, sexual orientations, all blended together, and yet, also standing on their own, in one city, and country, successfully.

There is definitely room for improvement in our political direction, and the class differences are to the extreme here in The Best Place To Live In The World. Do remember, we all made the choices of this city and built it ourselves. It is our amazing diversity that makes this city so wonderful.

Questioning a simple addition as Pride House to the Olympic celebrations is a non-issue in my Vancouver. If course we should show the world how we live and how Vancouver is our microcosm of what the world should be.

Celebate in whichever 'House' you wish, whether it be in your own home or in your favourite place to cheer. If you don't celebrate the Olympics themselves, at least cheer the fact that we can choose to cheer or not. Lastly, cheer for the world.

The Oprah Winfrey Effect

2009-11-20T19:29:00.000-08:00

I have heard quite enough from the sobbing sloppy sniffling Oprah fans depressed about Winfrey's announcement to finish her talk show September 9 2011. Her focus group is the exact opposite of her main fan base.

If her goal is to enpower women with confidence, independence, and financial freedom, while having a happy family and fulfilled mate, she missed the target. The fans that aspire to her perfection, will be cut off with a simple slice on September 9 2011. This is Winfrey's key way of collection her millions. If Oprah says read this, watch this, buy this, eat this - her followers read, watch, buy, and eat in formation. This, in turn, creates instant authors, movie stars, entrepeneurs, and chefs.

If Oprah leaves her flock, it will not only affect those needy followers but also herself. How will Oprah gather her piles and piles of gold? In turn, how will she react to cutting off her Mother Teresa type life, albeit a richer version - perhaps more Robin Hood-like?

Her creation of a black President and ideal Royal 1st Family, or rather support of the Obamas, pave the yellow brick road to the White House. Now her trek down the road will take some time to allow the Obama effect to set in. I guess 2012 is too early as she will not want to go up against Obama. 2016 is more likely and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't try for some other political title to add to her resume.

Now if you think this all sounds familiar, it does, but the relation is more from a negative incubus. Of course, perhaps negative is a term used here in relation to success. Cult leaders are considered by society as evil people, leading their followers to bad actions. Religious leaders do the same, leading their flock to goodness and light, while collecting money for the Church. Is Winfrey a cult or religious leader? In my eyes, she is. These viewers say they will be lost without her. They have not learned independence if they cannot stop following Winfrey. Has Oprah slowly created her own society or religion of followers?

You decide......

Angels in the Outfield (or infield)

2009-09-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

It is September and to many people this is a time of happiness. Children go back to school leaving their parents relieved that their offspring will be entertained by someone else. Others are joyous as the busy summer months are over and the chaos has finally stopped. Yet others are indifferent, not affected by either senario. For me it is a time of rememberance. The one person in the world that made me who I am today, passed away at the beginning of this month, years ago. My Mother, strong and stubborn in her beliefs, died from complications of breast cancer. She made me the independent person that she never was.

She would hate the picture above, not depending on angels and religion to get her through the rough days. I like this sculpture and the angle the picture is taken. It reminded me of her looking down on me when I was a young girl with pigtails, smiling at me. This sculpture, found in Central Park ,New York, over the Bathesda Fountain, was used in the mini series, Angels in America. The history of the fountain in Jeruselum, I believe, washed people of their illnesses and sins. There is more to it than that but I wish my mom could have jumped in that fountain. It would have taken a herd of elephants to push her in, as she wouldn't have believed the magic of the waters, but her stubbornness would have manifested in quite a large display of anger before she knew what was good for her.

It's funny that I can recognize those characteristics in myself and yet still fight the help from others. In my own bullheadedness, my being a Taurus doesn't help, I have similar moments. I have been known to fall off the radar occassionally, usually fighting with my inner demons. I have ways of shutting the outside world out, perhaps to avoid any hurt or disharmony. I hate to cause a large scene, directly that is, and as the youngest of three children, learned to manipulate situations to my benefit. Unfortunately, this is usually fleeting, as I am more 'focussed' on instant gratification. My mother showed her strength to us as an amazingly healthy woman, never sick or under the weather. She never needed a doctor - of course she did eventually - and because of her stubbornness about not needing medical assistance, she died of a illness which could have been prevented.

I am my mothers daughter, stubborn and stuck in her ways. I can give a look that could kill and not blink an eye. I can also soften enough to cry but not for long. Crying is a sign of weakness, although also an interesting tool. For some reason I am unaware of my using this implement until it's too late. Have I unknowingly manipulated the situation? Possibly. I never see it as a conscious strategic move when backed into a corner. When I see red (although proven not to affect bulls) I tend to charge.

With the current situation, I have backed myself into a wall; too many hands out to try and pull me back on to the radar screen. I don't take to surprises well. I also don't like it when my peers are treated like second class. In addition, I am not to be taken for granted. With all of these little grenades thrown in my path, without one of my equals at work removing them or putting the pins back in, I am due to explode. Collateral damage created by the unfortunate time of the year and direct association. It's my own little way of poking myself to prove I'm alive. It helps to wake up surrounding soldiers of the incoming shrapnel, too.

So now the wall has been built. It never needed to be built but the people at my work decided that they could be the mortor between the bricks. If they knew me at all, they would have let the wall pile high without the bandaids and then the bricks would have fallen easily. Then I would be standing in the open. Even when I tell them to leave it alone, they get their spreaders out with the bucket of cement. My only hope now is to kick the wall down myself.

Back to my mother, who was a master at walls and windows. My question is, if I can see the mirror image, why don't I see the wall behind me in the reflection. My mother and I obviously were born with the same genetic trait - self image distortion. People see us as ones to look up to. Well balanced functioning individuals who never wobble off the balance beam of life. (I have fallen off a balance beam literally. It hurts!) When the outside world witnesses a missing blip on the radar, they send out the emergency vehicles. My goodness, how could we have a moment of weakness, especially with out walls built so well by our peers and friends. But, alas, I point the blame outward.

Well, mom, I believe in God, on my own terms. You made me in your likeness. Ask my dad's friends - "she is so much like Diane". A successful cloning without all the political red tape. I wonder if the cloned offspring were supposed to know they were clones. Seeing the maker, I can see the future. I have forsight into my future that others can enable me towards. I ask another question...Can a person change? I am trying. I am trying. I am trying. That's all I can do.

Wish me luck!

Make Your Bed...Lie In It!

2009-08-31T21:32:00.000-07:00

So I admit that I create the energy around me. Yes, people are all affected by your actions, I understand. When I make my bed I should lie in it, but should it be a bed of nails? In my attempt to stand up for the rights and happiness of my fellow employees, I end up suffering the most. Why do I sacrifice my happiness for others? I never get the kharma back. I mean maybe I do but it certainly isn't noticable. When presented with an obviously awful situation where the choice between me or everyone else is involved, 'everyone' never stands up for
me, and I have no choice but to put myself second. Is it for the fear of being disliked? Avoiding ruffling anyone's feathers? Perhaps. I feel that I am taken for granted, assuming I will always sacrifice myself for another. Well, sometimes I hate it! Just stop it!!!!!

Craig Ferguson is the Perfect Nightcap!

2009-08-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Every weekday night I get comfortable on the couch or if it's later in bed and get ready for a perfect nightcap. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson is such a great show and many people are missing the genius of an amazing comedian. Ferguson is so personable that every person, no matter where you come from, can relate to his comedy.

Ferguson is humble and self-depreciating to make everyone realize even more how different his show is in comparison to his competition, Jimmy Fallon. Ferguson's show is strictly a one-man-show, with no side kick or band. His set is minimal, hardly altered much from the previous set used by Craig Kilborn, the original host. Ferguson has no flashy graphics or expensive skits. It's all 'focussed' on him and his ability to hold a room for the whole show.
His eccentricities using puppets and dressing as a woman are slapstick vaudvillian classic comedy tools. His opening musical two minute introductions, lipsynching popular songs with some intern help, are hilarious because of his acting abilities and clown-esque personality.
If watching Craig Ferguson once is in your future be prepared to be hooked!

Pride Vancouver, Heat Waves and Fireworks

2009-07-31T22:36:00.000-07:00

Vancouver is a busy place right now. There are so many events happening at once, the city can hardly contain itself. The HSBC Celebration of Light, Pride Week, The Police and Fireman Games, and the endless heat wave to make us all a little sweaty. Everyone is trying their best to not perspire while having fun in the sun.

At work, Score on Davie we have been busy for a week, breaking sales records and heat records all the same. The kitchen there is taking casualties daily as the heatwave is tripled in front of the fires cooking all the food for the locals and Pride goers. With the Fireworks and Pride festivities combined tomorrow night, and a busy sunny brunch to boot, we all will be running off our feet.

If you're out and about, send out some positive thoughts our way as we will need it!!!!

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Feelin' HOT HOT HOT!!!!!

2009-07-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

Vancouver is known for its temperate climate and greenery. Vancouver is also known for it's long stints of rain, thus creating a false idea that we all have umbrellas surgically attached to us to protect us from the elements. Well, this past week has been anything but temperate. Apparently we are setting a heatwave record with 6 days or so of unseasonably high temperature values couples with even more unseasonably high humidity levels. This is the 4th day in a row it has been above 30c and the humidex reading suggests that it feels like 36 or above.

I wouldn't normally start my blogging, after almost a year off, with this topic, but it obviously has some affect to me directly as I work in a restaurant kitchen. This choice in careers, well not really a choice but a "falling into", brings up the old saying - "If you can't take the heat, get outta the kitchen". Well, I doubt this saying began during an outrageous heat wave. If it is 30c outside and feels like 36 or 40 on the humidex rating, imagine what it feels like in a small kitchen without any airflow.

The heat is taking a toll on everyone. My cooks are sweating faster than they can drink water which ends in splitting headaches, poached brain matter and cranky attitudes. This of course includes myself, as I sweat like the rest of them. Being the altruistic person that I am at work, I choose the hottest spot in the kitchen, in hopes that it saves my cooks from going down at any point thus leaving me short staffed. In turn, I am the crabby Chef, barking once in a while, trying to understand the mind of servers and their interesting codes and garbled excuses for their mistakes. With 6 fans crammed in our 20' x 10' line, heat spewing equipment, open flames, hot deep fryers and blowing convection oven air, not including the compressors pumping out heat trying to keep our coolers cold, and the air circulation at a minimum, it's no doubt there will be a bark or bite once or twice or ten times a night.

When a comment is heard from the front of the house about how hot it is, I want to grab them and place them directly in front of the broiler with all 4 burners on, and ask them if they are hot now! A friend of mine working in another bar down the street actually took a customer, complaining about the wait for his food, into the kitchen and stood him by the grill and said to him, as the 4 cooks stared down this smarmy beast, "Would you like to complain now, man? These guys are sweating their asses off for you! Are you hot enough?" Perhaps a bit of a drastic move, but the customer was probably deserving of the whole incident.

The humidity can create quite the weather phenomena too! On Saturday, a lightening storm hit Vancouver and during the storm, as the sun set over the mountains and ocean a strange effect occurred. The sky turned orange for about 45 minutes! Absolutely incredible! All the while, lightening forks shot down creating a stupendous light show for the thousands of people entering the downtown core for the HSBC Celebration of Light. Fireworks and lightning...quite the show!

This heatwave is occurring during the busiest times in Vancouver with the fireworks festival, Pride Week and numerous other events. Everyone I know in the industry is not only working long hours, but also trying not overheat in this heatwave. Our kitchen is at least 15c hotter than outside and most places aren't air conditioned. I'm not alone when I want to eat out, as no one wants to heat up their apartments. My thermostat says 27c. I of course, have a guilty feeling every time I eat out, so I try to eat at home as much as possible. Salads are a good bet and fruit.

When the heatwave will end? No one really knows. Hopefully soon but I bet once the rain starts to fall, people will forget about the summer we had and complain about having to open up their umbrellas again.

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Does Absence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?

2008-09-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

When you spend much of your spare time with your mate, is it considered withdrawal when you miss your mate when you are separated? Is love an addiction?

This summer has been a catastrophe for me on many aspects. Work completely took over most of my time, which cut into my private life drastically. The time spent working was definitely hindering my love life and my general sanity. I was lucky to see my guy once a week through the summer months. Although we spoke on the phone and chatted on-line, our specialty, I was starting to show the signs of breakdown. Being with him was my only escape from the hell of the summer months working in the hospitality industry, managing a flighty team, cutting chunks from my schedule daily. Without a day off in weeks, and no plans to "escape", my mental state was a balancing act of normal to psycho every step of the tight rope.

With the leaves falling, the school year starting and the summer heat cooling, my days off have returned and my "escape" time is reborn. We are back on track and I feel a bit more like myself again. Unfortunately, our days off are on opposite sides of the week, and we still have to fit in the time with our work interrupting or meetings. It always seems we are on a schedule, counting down the hours before we have to go our separate ways to our respective jobs. I love my days off and enjoy spending time on my own. It is something we are sure to not lose in our relationship. Now that I am seeing him more often, I seem to want more and more. It is almost like an addiction and when I am denied of the goods, I miss it dearly. Perhaps we need a vacation together, even if it is a quick 2 day getaway. Away from work and schedules.

I guess it is better to miss him when he isn't with me than to not miss him at all...

Relationships and Jigsaw Puzzles - Can You Really Train Yourself To Change?

2008-09-09T23:03:00.001-07:00

Over my many years, where men have come and gone, I have always wondered if each and every experience really alters your personality. Recently, I have been seeing a massage therapist for a problem I have with my neck. The tension in my neck muscles, which have knotted up so much I could compete with Superman in a bullet-stopping contest, has created a numbing feeling in my fingertips. All of this is due to stress and over-use of the muscles, being too short for the counter tops at my work in kitchens. The therapist says that if I don't continue to stretch my neck muscles, they will contract back to the shortened tense position, never training the muscle to relax.

If we stretch our personalities, compromising certain characteristics to be compatible with a mate, do we ultimately change into a different person?

At the tender age of 40, I can see the errors of my ways in love...that is regarding the past men in my life. For some reason I can never see the cracks in the road that I chose on the left while the smoothly paved road is, so obvious, on the right. Sure, I can say the obstacles that I must climb over on my path give me more strength and wisdom to carry on. Why is it that all of the men in my past have always had similar personalities? Do I continue to walk around in circles, similar to my pleasant excursions around the Stanley Park seawall?

Every man I have dated has affected me, changing pieces of my puzzle, trying to make the jagged edges fit together with their own. Some men seemed to smuggle scissors in their pocket, cutting the pieces to make them fit, disregarding the obvious mismatch in the overall picture. Even I forced some of the puzzle pieces together, in hopes of finishing the jigsaw puzzle as fast as possible. Nevertheless, the picture never looked right. I have lost many contacts and friendships over men, being a huge supporter of all or nothing. When I date someone I tend to alienate myself from my surroundings, escaping the real world of work, stress, and disappointment, by focusing on him. In turn, the connections made fray so much, I lose part of myself to each relationship. I change my surrounding connections every time I date a new guy. Similar to working at a new job, where old connections break to create new ones.

Currently my friendships, leftover from my past relationship, have slowly vanished once again, while new friendships have bloomed. I have broken the boring routine of my life with ease. I quit smoking, eat better and drink water more. I don't drink daily and have changed from chugging beer daily to sipping red wine more often. The support of my friends at the old watering hole is still there, although I feel as though I am a guest star rather than a regular cast member now.

My new relationship has made me think about how I change with the seasons, or rather the men I date. This is a new season that I haven't experienced before. More obstacles to overcome, although none of the obstacles centre around him but rather everything else surrounding me. Have I reached an age where I finally don't have to sacrifice myself for a man? He hasn't brought out the hidden scissors from his pocket. He has seen the picture on my jigsaw puzzle box, and we are slowly putting our pieces together, no matter how often the pieces change. The matching of our ever changing pieces is the best part, not the final completed puzzle.

Have I finally stretched my neck muscles enough to have trained my stressed, contracted muscles to relax and enjoy the feeling? Has my personality changed with this new man? I don't feel that different. I do feel lighter. I don't have to try as hard because he likes me for what I am. Now if I could get the feeling back in my fingertips, training my neck muscles to not contract, I may fully learn to relax. I wonder what pieces I'll match up tomorrow in my jigsaw puzzle.

BOO!!!!!

2008-09-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

Yes I'm still alive. I'm sure with the billions of people following my blog, the world has stopped since my last submission. ***Silence*** Maybe it has stopped? Wow AMAZING....

Well, I have been busy to say the least. I want to change the format of my blog. No one probably cares about my boring life, so I will save you all from the crap I write. Plus I don't need daily affirmation anymore. My life is happy...new guy, good job, happy happy.

New format? I am quite the ranter and raver, so I have decided to use my blog asking questions similar to the fictional character, Carrie Bradshaw, from the TV show Sex and the City.

This way I will have a bit more of a theme...

So, we'll see how that goes for a while...

Cheers.

I Actually Have A Legitimate Hobby! Wow!

2008-04-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

Soar With The Eagles....

Okay if you can't soar with them... take pictures of them and share them with the world. The answering machine blinked repeatedly when I sauntered into my apartment after a few drinks with pals at the local pub. I pressed the button, half expecting to hear another irritating marketer selling me some crap. The recording was not a telemarketer, but it was someone who wanted me for something. It was a moderator from the discussion forum I frequent, centered around bald eagles. http://www.hancockwildlife.org/staticpages/index.php/2007080118150553 She had left me an email the other day regarding the pictures I had taken of the eagles in Malkin Bowl, Stanley Park, discussing the possible need for some help. Well, I called her today and was pleasantly surprised to hear that the main people for the site were wondering if I wanted to be a "Content Facilitator or Provider". I would be in charge of the topic about the Stanley Park Eagles, adding recent pictures and information about the nest.

This is a volunteer responsibility and am quite happy to do so, especially if it gets me to the park more. I must now always have my camera, and this will keep me busy when I'm off work in the months ahead (and keep me out of Checkers). At least this is what I was thinking as I said yes to the HWC moderator. I wonder if this decision makes me more of the nerd I always was. I told my boyfriend that I was a geek in disguise, dressing and acting like one of the popular kids, but underneath the wardrobe was a nerd.In the end it doesn't matter because the volunteer work is not about me or my specific quirks, but about documenting a specific group of bald eagles in Stanley Park. There are many people who would like to see pictures of the wildlife found right outside their door; people who don't have the time or patience to follow these majestic birds. Well, if I can show these birds to that group of people, and the other eagle-fans everywhere, while simply hanging out in my favourite place on a beautiful day...well gosh, darn I guess I will have to twist my own rubber arm.

I am pretty excited considering I purchased a new portable, digital camera. It takes better, clearer pictures. Now all I have to do is make sure I have batteries and my camera with me all the time. I also have to keep up with putting the photos on the discussion site. If you read this blog, you know how easily distracted I get, ignoring my blog page for months. In this case it is more interactive, people commenting on a regular basis. I can even put up some video if I get some! Like this one from my balcony and the wee birdies that visit for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I never thought I would get so far into watching the eagles but even I can surprise myself out of the routines I go through in my life.

Speaking of hobbies, I find it very interesting that my boyfriend and I have separate hobbies yet they are quite similar. He is an avid aero-enthusiast, meaning he loves jet-fighters of many eras, and builds replicas of these planes. He frequents the Abbostford Airshow annually and snaps photos and video of the event. On one of our first "outings" we watched the Mars Bomber in Coal Harbour! It is used as a fire fighting plane, dumping zillions of gallons of water on forest fires in BC and all over North America if needed. On the other hand, I am an eagle-enthusiast. Both hobbies deal with aerodynamics. We recently watched a documentary about the flight of eagles and the use of this study for jet-fighter planes. It was right up our alley so-to-speak.

I never thought I really had a hobby, other than walking around Stanley Park, shopping for bargains, and of course, sleeping. This volunteer makes it official! I am an official hobbyist! Now I have legitimate reasons behind sitting for hours looking up at the sky! Remember if you see me looking up to the sky, there is no doubt an eagle nearby, or some sort of raptor.

FACEBOOK and SPAM

2008-03-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

FACEBOOK is a fun place to hangout. It kind of appeared one day in my life through a friend, asking me to join. I thought it was harmless, and a better place than myspace. Myspace seemed to be hacked quite frequently and my page was compromised too many times. With FACEBOOK it seemed safer in a way, without my page being infiltrated with spam and such. It was a fun space to play games, send cute little youtube videos, etc. Unfortunately, the tide have turned, as everything does.

In the beginning, before I realized I could change my security setting, I noticed a zillion email updates appearing in my hotmail. Updates telling me if a friend even exhaled or wiped his ass. Quite irritating to wake up in the morning and check my email to see FACEBOOK had taken up a whole page of emails! Then I realized I could change my security settings to not update me on anything. This way I just check my FACEBOOK page for the new things that happened. I can also change what updates I want to see. All things were good after this. That is, good for a little while.

I was asked to add a funwall and superwall. I did, thinking it would be harmless, friends sending me cute pictures and videos. Well, this was the beginning of the end. I began receiving stupid chain letters. These chain letters disquised themselves first as cool horoscopes or interesting tidbits of information that would make you laugh. At the end of each item it stated to send it to all your friends. That was it. Then these simple word-of-mouth messages changed to actual spam, and highest point of irritation for me.

The messages were short but stated that something would happen if you sent it to everyone on your friend list. Yes, of course you fall for it once or twice. But that's it! Now everyday I receive 5-6 of these and they are strictly from my friends, as I have only allowed access to people I accept as friends. This is a small abrasion which has now turned into a festering massive wound. "My friends" seem to think it is okay to continue these stupid chain letters and I am quite sick of them. Whether I mean the chain letters or the stupidity of "my friends" is up to you to decide.

I have officially deleted my funwall and superwall, cutting off the highway of crap on to my FACEBOOK page. Little do any of my friends realize, but they are supporting the idiots spreading the chain letters. Everytime one of the authors of these letters sees his or her creation, it gives them a rise and makes them glow. It's like and addiction, where if they get accustomed to the rise they get from seeing their work, they create more and more. It's like feeding the trolls, so to speak. Continuing to get angry at trolls just makes them pester you more. It's a never ending road. Unless you cut them off, it will continue.

I am ranting here hoping people read this and, in turn, change their behaviour on FACEBOOK, and for that matter, on any corrspondance site. This way we can avoid the crap and keep the pages fun and enjoyable. I kow, there is always a bad apple in the group, and it will never end, but if we just try to avoid "feeding" these idiots, it might deter them. In the meantime, I will change my route to avoid frustrating spam on my FACEBOOK page. For all the fun suff I am missing...email it to me. If that becomes a spamfest...I'll just delete the author...YOU!!!!!

Lazy, Rainy Days and Waiting for the Sun

2008-03-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

It's March 25th and raining again. I know Easter and daylight savings time came early but I am getting quite sick of all this cold and wet weather. Spring is here, and yes, we all know the saying "April showers bring May flowers". So let's get on with it! The winter is dragging on and that damn groundhog said spring would arrive early this year. Funny how we all remember what the result was with Wiarton Willie and Punxsutawney Phil on February 2nd. It's ridiculous to believe a large rodent, but for some bizarre human behaviour here in North America, the groundhog tells us when spring will appear.

I'm wondering if all this weird weather is really 'weird' or if it is just me anticipating warmer days ahead. It seems everything is a bit off quilter. The Japanese cherry blossoms are starting to bloom which is always a good sign. The Great Blue Herons are nesting in the Stanley Park Rookery, which is on time. The eagle nests, on-line and local, are empty though except for the Vanier Park nest. I was privy to catching the Malkin Bowl eagles mating above their nest in their tree, but this seems a bit late, considering they should be laying the eggs in a week or so.

Is all of this wonky timing due to it being a leap year this year? It seems all a bit off. Even I am confused, thinking it should be way warmer by this time of year. The Daylight Savings Time was moved up to mid March, making it dark later at night. Of course this doesn't affect the temperature but it seems like it should be warmer. Easter was also early this year, a week after St. Patrick's Day! Come on that is just wrong! From green beer and drunken Irishmen to Easter bunnies and religious ceremony, in one week. I think it is all a bit much.

So now I sit here on a "lily pad" looking out at the rainy weather, which is fore casted to possibly snow tonight, wondering how many more days of this drab grey weather I will have to endure. I don't mind it while I am working but would rather it be nice so I can enjoy a few hours of sunshine after work. My hobbies are outdoor activities involving eagle watching and hiking. Not the best weather to be trudging around with a camera. I bought a new camera with better zoom and mega pixels and have been asked to volunteer some time to watch the eagle nest in Stanley Park. I will need better weather to get good shots to send in to the website.

Hopefully, the weather will change soon....

Lazy Rainy Days

2008-02-27T08:28:00.000-08:00

Spring has sprung! Unfortunately with that comes rain, rain, rain. I am so thankful of the cold weather disappearing but at the same time, trading the deep freeze for a pair of rubber boots still doesn't seem enticing. The day-to-day monotony of grey skies is quite depressing. I wait patiently for the eagles to return to their nests and the dragonflies hovering around my head as I walk around Lost Lagoon.

Why does rain make everyone so lazy? Sitting here with my guy, sipping coffee, glancing out to the cloudy wet day, makes me want to go back to bed. Luckily I have some things to do today so that will get me out of bed. The weather at this time is more of a drain than usual. When we are all fooled by the sunshine one day followed by a grey day, it tends to skew you're energy when you are lacking sunshine!

How to kick the lazy day feeling on a cloudy day? Shopping and eating. Okay, not shopping for anything in particular, wandering around stores browsing can make a couple like us seem a bit too comfortable with each other. While walking through the bedding section in a department store I had this weird feeling like we were preparing for the future hunt for the perfect wedding registry. Creepy, at least for me this early in the relationship. But at the same time, not uncomfortable at all.

Our purchases consisted of things we needed and toys we didn't, but certainly are fun (hint hint). Also, my eating habits have been all over the place with my decision to join the mainstream and quit smoking. Thank God for nicorette but I haven't really had any extreme signs of heroine withdrawal, as it has been compared too. I have slight mood swings which are similar to PMS so I can see it coming and jam a piece of chewable smoke in my mouth. It probably looks worse from the other side, but I hope it isn't so bad. Hopefully all the eating doesn't put me in the fat zone that I was in. I used to be 168lbs and now I am 150lbs. Happy to be 10lbs heavier than my graduation weight but would like to lose more.
OK... I am rambling. I must leave NOW.

BYE

Lilypads and Sleepovers

2008-02-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I have updated my blog page. If you are reading this, don't call the police. I am not a missing person and I have to admit, being kidnapped by a frog isn't as bad as it sounds. I have been having a fantastic 2008 so far and maybe that is why I have left a vacant blog space here.

My Frog Prince has been wonderful. He and I have been hanging out on his lilypad, and as the Princess, it isn't so bad. Sure, it's not the beautiful castle that I am accustomed to, in the west end, but it is quite comfortable. Floating around on his pond, catching flies and watching dragonflies, sleeping in the sun on his lilypad is paradise.

Sleeping over on his lilypad is fun too. We are learning more and more about each others habits and routines, which is interesting and amusing at times. The common saying "I don't snore" came up. Haha Sure you don't. At least I admit it. But frog snores are cute and soothing...Funny how it used to annoy me.

Anyways, a quick note here from the lilypad, to say I'm still here. And happy.

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Okay...my Frog says my blog was not quite as thought out as my previous blogs....little did he know, while he was frolicking in the shower, I was furiously blogging so he wouldn't know...So much for privacy. I guess that's what happens when you blog on someone else's computer. Ribbit....

Happy New Year to Me!

2008-01-08T11:32:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year to all the readers out there. Sorry I have been out of order for awhile but I have been a bit busy, which, I suppose, is a good thing. I have decided to venture into a new sub-blog which I will begin soon, if I get around to it. If you want to read that, it will be called, The Misadventures of the Alternate Living Room. Whether I am more or less diligent in writing there is another challenge I must overcome. It will be the stories or day-to-day happenings of my favourite place to be, where I feel comfortable and happy, other than on my own couch, my local pub. And to all you readers who frequent that nameless place...don't worry, I will change all the names to hide your identities. I want to write about it because I think it is a fantastic splice of life, especially through my eyes.

On with the show here, though....

What has happened since my last visit? On-line dating has halted for awhile. Why, you ask? Well, it turned out to be a success! I have met a Prince Charming. Although he is not on his white steed, wearing his combat gear, and looking like a male model, he is my Prince Charming! He and I met on Craigslist, and he was the first person to respond to my personal ad, which I put on the site as a bit of a joke or, rather investigation. I thought I would be gracious enough to respond to his reply, as he was the first guy to drop me a line. He even suggested I filter through the "applicants" first and get back to him after if I wanted to. Very polite and chivalrous of him. I didn't and began talking to him via e-mail then messenger. We finally met, after "typing' back and forth every night from computer to computer or to my phone. He called me a couple of times before we met up, also.

Coffee date first. I met him and took him to Melriches, 2 stores away from my work. We sat and talked for 2 hours, or rather, I talked. I was high on caffeine from the whole day, as I was walking around on my day off ingesting too much coffee already. I wasn't immediately attracted to him, I have to admit. He was definitely not my type, not that I have ever had a type. Definitely not George Clooney, and of course, everyone is visually stimulated first. But after our date, and more conversations, I realized this guy has something there that every other guy doesn't. I couldn't put my finger on it, but we get along like two peas in a pod on-line, so why not try another date.

This one was a sushi date, on his side of town. He picked me up and off we went. I am quite happy to be dating someone who, not only has his licence but also owns a car! We had a great lunch even though I was hungover from a night of over indulgence! After sushi we went for a drive around Stanley Park. A quick date before the Christmas rush of family and friends. A quick hug and peck and it was over.

Our next date was sushi on my side of town, and a movie. We went to Downtown sushi, in hopes of Vivien entertaining us with her hilarious antics. Unfortunately, she wasn't as exciting. Then we wandered off to the theater. A suspense movie, I Am Legend, was the only thing I was interested in and he wanted to see it. It was okay and a bit exciting. His hand on my knee or holding my hand throughout the flick. It was quite cute when he jumped at one point. After the flick, we wandered the streets down to the pub. All of my pals down there were eying us up...of course, whispering back and forth about my date. We watched the rest of the Canuck game and then he walked me home. He kissed me for a while outside of my apartment and we said good night. That's where I began to think a bit more about this very polite and shy guy.

We spoke more and more on-line and through texts, over the next few days. Then on Boxing Day, after my day of work, I went over to his place. We talked over a few Granville Island Christmas Ales, as I took in his living quarters. A sense of comfort came over me, glancing around at his collection of models of aircrafts. My brother was quite interested in models and it reminded me of childhood, and me laying on the floor watching him assemble model after model, decals, model glue and paints everywhere. His music playlist also made me at ease, as he had much of the same music as I, including Corinne Bailey Rae, which is one of my favourites. He seemed to have as much clutter as I do in my apartment. This also made me at ease. Sometimes visiting a guy's place can be a bit daunting, especially if they have a beautiful place and you are just living in a humble abode. It results in never inviting him over to your place out of intimidation or embarrassment.

On New Year's Day, everything changed. He met me after a hectic day of insanity at my work. I wandered down to the pub, exhausted from the New Year's Day rush and was quite disappointed to walk into chaos instead of the relaxed atmosphere I was used to. Everyone was drunk or getting there and it was loud and obnoxious in the bar. I got a seat at the bar and worried about his reaction when he got there, him being hungover from the previous night's festivities at his brother's place. When he got there it was a bit quieter but still not relaxing. We talked at the bar as, once again, people were spying on us. We were finally ready to go and wandered out for dinner. Sushi again at my other favourite place, Akira on Denman. Not as busy there, we were able to relax and talk more. After dinner we bought a bottle of red wine and went back to my apartment.

Listening to music, we sat on my couch sipping wine and talking about everything. He gave me a bit of a massage, reaching under my sweater. All was so comfortable and felt just right. We did a lot of making out on my couch and then I thought it would be time to do something about all the hot and heavy petting. As I was about to get up and lead him to my bedroom, we managed to spill red wine all over the place! This ended up being quite the cleaning expedition! After, I had a shower to wash brunch off, and came out in my robe. Now we all know what happened next, which I will not describe. Leave it to your imagination. He stayed the night, especially since I wasn't working the next day.

Breakfast in the morning, a walk around Stanley Park viewing 9 eagles, and then dinner later. Another visit back to my apartment, watching a movie, and another romp in the bedroom, and I was hooked. My "Geek" was exactly what I needed. He is very attentive and probably the best guy I have ever had in my bed. We still get along like hand in glove, despite the change in our relationship. Somehow, this guy got under my skin and I acquired a new addiction. This one is a good one which I don't need to quit!

He's been over again and I've been to his place too, for more romps, movies and such. The best part is we can talk about anything. My little accident at work, nipping the tip of my thumb off, took us for another turn in our relationship. He came down to see me and take me out for dinner which in turn was a bit much for him. He was so worried about me being in the emergency ward, being repaired, that he insisted in buying me dinner. Unfortunately, all the drama and him being squeamish about blood, was a bit much and he fainted twice. Not on the floor but it was a bit of a scare for me! In turn, it showed us that we were a bit more attached to each other than we were showing...him rushing to me in the hospital, a place he would rather not be, and me keeping him from completely passing out, supporting him of his phobia. Obviously something was happening here.

So now, as I sit here, blah-blahing about the happenings of my New Year, I have decided that I am in a new relationship. I have also decided that I am no longer single, which is a hard thing to do, considering this will be a whole new world of compromise. I am not the best at this, giving up comforts that I hang on to like a security blanket. I was enjoying the single life but I am enjoying my life even more now. Sharing can be a good thing. Cooking together, walking together hand in hand, snuggling on the couch watching movies. These are all things that I have always wanted. Now that I am with a new person, I can be a better person, knowing my past mistakes. Being open and honest is a big one for me. So far so good. He knew about my wrist ganglion immediately even before we met! I have a feeling this will all be a good thing for me, giving me a new spice in my life to cook with.

The fairy tale of the Frog Prince is true, for all you gals out there. Give him a chance. I did! I am very happy!!!! (I know you are reading this, Queasy Duck...and you are my "Geek", remember...I am a "geek" too, but in disguise. Kisses and hugs XOX)

Singlehood and Online Dating

2007-12-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well, if you have been reading this blog (as I assume no one does, hence the lack of comments), I have been pretty busy. I apologize immediately for not updating my life for all to see but, as a single woman in her soon depleting 30s, I have some oats to sow. Well, maybe not literally, in a bachelorette kind of way. I am not "popular" as my co-worker states (popular=slut). If you are familiar with my current situation, I have jumped out of my comfort zone and opened myself up to a whole new world of meeting new people. Yes, I have been known to chat on-line, but to people not looking for a date. Just pals with things in common.

In the past months I have been introduced to on-line dating. Although I have only met 4 or 5 people in person, I am talking to numerous people on-line in sites such as Plenty of Fish, Lavalife and the personal ads on Craigslist. If I had only saved the 50 or so emails from all of these sites I could write a book. I can still write a book about all of the men I have met, from sweet and charming to completely sex-driven and single-minded. Unfortunately, I am at odds with this line of men that are knocking down my email address, IM on the sites and msn messenger.

There is the a confusion and plenty innuendo gained and lost when not meeting in person for the first time. I have met guys in person and they can be sweet and wonderful, but then that is it. Whether they aren't attracted (and I know they are unless they are Oscar nominated actors) or whether it is because I don't throw myself at them at once, dropping my clothes on the floor and bedding them in 20 minutes, I am getting a bit frustrated. Yes, I am in total understanding of the on-line immediate hook-up mentality of cyber-dating, but what happened to a good date? What happened to old fashioned courting? Am I becoming old like my parents before me?

I am completely turned off but slightly amused by the men who are so into sex ASAP that when they IM me on Lavalife in the intimate category. I simply write "pic?" and when they send it, I look at it and write "too young" or "no" if I am not interested. In turn, I have gotten some pathetic responses stating I am rude. Well, when you send me a picture of yourself tied to a bed naked, ummmm who's the rude one? I didn't ask for your fetish immediately. Can we chat for a second so I can find out what your thang is before I have to actually see you in action? My God, someone sent me a video of them jerking off, crotch shot only, thank you! It was like watching a car accident!

I have to admit it is becoming a bit fun for me. My problem lies in my own personal security, desires and what I am actually looking for. Am I gonna find it in these sites? I'm not sure but Hell, it is better than the view from my local watering hole. That cesspool of alcoholic losers is wearing thin. I have pals down there but will not date another from the same pond. I have met a fish that has been swimming back and forth from the two connecting ponds, and I may be mistaken but I think he was swimming around me the other night. He is one fish that may not be tainted.

So, I digress. I must admit, I have to choose whether I want to get some of those oats sown before I go and find my mate or just skip it and be with someone whom I get along with really well. I have met a guy who cranks everything in me to the point where I want to drop everything and do anything he says. I have also met a guy who makes me laugh, and we get along chatting everyday, like two peas in a pod. I have met a few others too, but these two are great. If I could put them together into one guy I would be in Heaven.

What do I want? Bad guy, good guy? I don't know....Well continue to read and maybe we both will find out...

On that note, adios for now. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later.

Jen

Webcams and the such....

2007-11-28T20:36:00.000-08:00

I found this webcam in our recycling/waste area about 3 months ago. I thought that I would have no use for this computer accessory but brought it upstairs to my apartment nonetheless, just to see if it works. After finding the website to download the software for it, I got the camera working. I thought it was a neat gadget with many extras I could fool around with. The most I ever used it for was to take pictures for updating my Facebook profile.

In the past month I have been meeting people online, okay men, and I have been casually been talking to them through the website. If I like them I let them onto my hotmail and, in three cases, I accept calls and meet them for coffee or a drink. Yes, I am safe and make sure I am in a public place with them. In the case with Ray, we had 4 dates and it was fun. We went to dinner, a movie, etc, as you have read in my past blogs.

In the most recent case, the guy I have met has been in conversations with me over hotmail, and he seems really great. Funny, cute, open and, a bit on the sexy side. I definitely like it and the talk can get a bit steamy but all in fun. We make each other laugh and that is really important to me. This morning, after a long fight with the webcam operational problems last night, we chatted on messenger with our webcams on. It was so much fun, I was almost late for work! We were both in our jammies still and we complimented each other on how cute we both were. He was trying to convince me of things which I laughed and told him there is no point if we haven't met in person. When we do, it will definitely be a lot easier as we won't need an ice breaker! And if this thing we are playing around with, after many dates....maybe the cam could be fun...

Now, I admit, kinky, yes, but in the end I am a grown-up. Now parents need to rethink webcams for their kids. I don't even want to imagine what young girls need a webcam for. I know how naive they can be and innocent. The webcam will definitely end that innocence in a second. We have all seen the UTube bits on sexy young girls doing obscene things on webcams. Personally, I think that any parent allowing their child to have a webcam is asking for trouble. Especially if their computer is in their own room. Somehow there has to be a way to monitor the use of webcams with children under 18 years of age. The parents shouldn't let the computer be in a private room and should be able to see what their kids are doing on the computer. Webcams should be placed under lock and key in the house and should have parent supervision when in use.

At my work, the GM and owners have remote access to the computer in the office, no matter where they are. Every parent should think about setting up this with their child's computer...Yes, it is a bit of a "Big Brother" situation, but they are children. If I found out my child was stripping in front of her webcam for some guy on the other end...I have no idea what I would do.

So, if this whole thing with this new guy works out, at least for a bit, I'm into some more fun. I'd much rather he get his ass downtown from Richmond and take me out on a nice walk around the seawall. Feeling his hand in mine is much better than these damn computer keys under my fingertips.

Long Underwear...

2007-11-25T19:00:00.000-08:00

It is November...usually a rainy month with not a lot of sunshine. Lately we've had a bit of a break with the weather and the sun has broken up the dreary shorter days we are so used to in the lull before the Christmas rush. With the clear weather you also get the crisp, even cold, bone-chilling freezing temperatures that, as a Vancouverite, we aren't used to. I love fall and winter sunshine because the glare of the sun is not as harsh and the refraction of light from the tilt of the Earth makes everything look different . I don't have lots of clothes for this kind of weather though. I only have jeans. I can layer as many shirts and hoodies as I want but below the waist I am so cold! Jeans are the worst textile to wear in the chilly weather, too, as the freeze goes right through them, especially if they are a tight fit. Don't get me wrong, I am not the proud owner of a camel-toe, but I like my jeans to be slim not loose fitting.

For this particular reason I think I will purchase a pair or two of long underwear, or at least a pair of tights. I hate being cold, especially my legs, and I would rather layer up than not if I am going out to venture around in the park on a crisp fall day. Yes, I may sound like a wimp, and if you are from Manitoba, I am a wimp. But, instead of walking at a high pace to stay warm, missing many exciting new views of the park, with the seawall re-opened now, I can enjoy my walks and be out even longer with the layers . I love the park (Stanley Park) so much, I can't stand to be distracted from it by a chill up my legs.

Speaking of Stanley Park, and how much I treat it as my own special refuge from my mediocre life, I have shared it with new people in my life that I meet. The last person was Ray, and before that my ex and I would walk around the park at least once a week, enjoying the beauty it holds and the comfortable silences we shared. The problem with sharing something so close to your heart is that, if the person you share the park with leaves, or does you wrong in some way, that refuge is a place that holds memories. Immediately after the hurt occurs, the park is a lonely place, memories shooting straight into your heart like red hot daggers. As time passes though, I realize that ole Stanley is my only constant in an ever changing life. At least I can depend on him to be there in my time of need. He can bring forth many great memories, too. Sharing him with others is like sharing my heart, so when someone leaves they take a bit of him too.

After the storm of 2006 I was devastated to see the bald forest, trees everywhere. It was as if my only constant had changed so drastically I couldn't depend on Stanley to relax me. The walk around the seawall was detoured through many upper paths and disrupted my routine. The best part of the storm is that I became more familiar with the park's areas I never visit, including a new eagle nest I had never seen. I rarely if ever viewed the bay from above, up where the cormorants roost on the cliffs by the Lion's Gate Bridge. Prospect Point was considered too touristy for me, and I still think so but it is beautiful up high at the highest point of the park. The new paths and new planting is taking place and the park has a new face, the trees very sparse in places where the wind tore through. I now have a new perspective on the park and life as we can all go through storms and be injured. We can also heal and may look a bit different but in the end we are still the same.

My refuge has a new look and during the fall and winter I am going to be it's best friend. I will purchase that pair of long underwear so I can spend as much time as I can with my ole pal, Stanley. Maybe I should buy a pair or two for him too.

Sick, Sick, Sick!!!

2007-11-21T14:21:00.000-08:00

The war is on!!! I think that the cold is winning at the moment. I woke up this morning feeling like a bag of phlegm. Yuck! Hopped in the shower and the steam broke it up a bit but man, I don't wanna explain the stuff coughed outta my lungs. It has been a long time since I have been sick and I am not enjoying the war going on in my body. It is definitely uncomfortable.

In the meantime I have been able to get a bit of work done at home. I have acquired a great computer table which was quite a bitch to get into my apartment. It is a corner table which allows me to see the world outside when I am on my computer, while freeing up my kitchen table for dinner! I love watching the eagles fly by, or the little chickadees, juncos, rosy finches and sparrows that visit my balcony munching on the seeds I put out for them. The mountains are beautiful at this time of year! I also got a coffee table which is gorgeous and matches all my furniture. Finally my place is livable again!

I have a new admirer also from POF...He contacted me earlier when I was seeing the last guy and I said I wasn't too great at seeing more than one guy at a time. He wished me luck and that was it. I was a bit disappointed, thinking I would not get another chance to speak to him. After the bizarre incident with Ray, I wrote my admirer a quick note saying I was free again. He was so happy because he really thinks I'm a "cutey-patootie" and wanted to chat with me more. So now we are. I wonder where this will go? Well, at this point I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride...I can't make the roller coaster car go faster than it goes already!

Weaknesses

2007-11-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

Colds. I very rarely get sick. I am very good at staying healthy throughout the fall and winter months, when everyone gets sick. I can bet with all my workmates that I will not get sick when they begin the domino effect of giving each other their colds. Whether my mother let me get really dirty when I was a kid or I am an alien, my immune system is definitely stronger than most. I haven't had the flu since I was about 8 years old. The flu where you are achy, feverish and throwing up. I have had my fair share of colds but I usually get a cold once every 2 or 3 years. Either that or I just don't remember my last cold. I might get a symptom of what could be a cold, but it just goes away. I assume my immune system was fighting a war in my body, during this time and won.

Today is the second day of my cold. It's not so bad but because I am so used to being healthy, it makes me feel crappy. I never believed that a cold is from going out in the cold without a coat on, wet hair, etc. I truly believe it is from you letting your guard down. I believe I have a cold because of my recent dating failure. Well, okay, let's not call it a failure. It was Ray who couldn't handle a relationship. It was not my fault as he assured me tonight via text. I had to contact him as I was still quite tossed about from the sudden 180 degree turn around. I got no details from the text other than "nothing at all about you". With this strange unexplained event in my life, I dropped my guard. I felt sorry for myself and didn't feel so great. What happened the next day after eating a whole bag of cookies and smoking my brains out? I got that sore throat you wake up with when a bug invades your body.

Somehow the soldiers in my immune system were on a union break! Perhaps the bug was in disguise as another cookie, some kind of happy drug to take the sadness out of my mind. During the night there must have been quite a scene of bloodshed in my body, especially in my throat. I can just see those soldiers being ambushed by a continuously mutating super-disguised bug, unable to fight the evil army back from my ever healthy body. No wonder I kept waking up every two hours!

So here I am at home, watching the tube, practically tasting the enormous amount of white blood cells. I have no medicine and will just wait out the war, as Mother Earth does every time us humans decide to beat the hell out of each other. Why the hell do they call this sickness a Cold anyways? Is it because it appears when it is cold out? Whatever! I just want it out of my body now!

Dumped!

2007-11-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

I am completely shocked. I have just been dumped. How can he dump me when he initiated every text, phone call and date? How can he dump me when our last messages were about wishing he was with me walking around Stanley Park? How can he dump me and say he doesn't want to stress about a relationship, when he was the one wanting to bring me up to Squamish? Everything he did is completely opposite to what he just did....dumping me. It all happened in the blink of an eye!!!!

Sure being the dumper is better than being the dumpee. In this case I am confused because I have no idea what I did wrong. His e-mail (coward) stated he really liked me and that is why he couldn't continue. My only conclusion is that he lied to me. He's either in a relationship, separated, married or looking for a good time. Unfortunately he ended up liking me.

I think I'm gonna stay away from men for a bit...

Living the Lead in a Chick Flick

2007-11-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan were leads in the best chick flick of the 90's -- When Harry Met Sally -- and I used to think I was living that character of Sally in my 20's. I was in the longest unrequited love relationship with this friend of mine, Mark. We never ended up getting together, and the end of that first chick flick I had a starring role in, didn't end like all the other movies I loved. I did enjoy the unmistakable feeling of being in the lead role of a chick flick. You know, those dramadies made to replace the Walt Disney Prince Charming movies little girls grew up dreaming about. Those chick flick movies were made specifically for those grown up little girls, to show them that there are Prince Charmings in real life, and they don't dress in tights, look like frogs or wake you up from a deep sleep simply by a kiss. If you read or watch those fairy tales as an adult, the stories ring true to many of the stories in Nora Ephron movies. You just have to look deeper into the story.

It's been a week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. About fifty texts and fourteen calls. All of this since I saw Ray last week. Yes, I like the casual distance between us, in our relationship and living spaces, but we are at a point in our dating where, goodnight kisses just aren't "doin' it". On Monday he had planned to meet me after I worked, and we were going to hang out at my apartment (the first time he would have been in my place), drink some wine, play cards and who knows what. Unfortunately, Mother Nature decided this was not a good idea. She made the wind blow so hard that the road from Squamish to Vancouver had two or three road closures.

The suggestive texts continue, back and forth, and it is driving me a bit crazy. Even though I love those great movies, chick flicks, where the sexual tension builds throughout the movie, being "Meg Ryan" or "Sandra Bullock" is driving me a bit insane. I hope when we finally meet up, we won't have to cut through the shyness that happens through meeting face to face, especially with the texts we've been sending. I won't let it happen because I usually give him a big kiss when we first meet, either in his truck, in a parking lot, etc. I do that to cut the shyness, on purpose.

I don't want to be impatient. I want to stretch out this happy feeling for awhile. This is why it is great that he lives in Squamish. I have to admit that I am a bit jealous of where he lives, considering my love for nature. I am especially attracted to bald eagles and he lives right near Brackendale, my ideal weekend winter trip! This is where the local bald eagles go to feed on the returning salmon. Hundreds of eagles gather on the river to feed and I think I would be in awe of it all. On our first date he told me of a time that he saved an eagle from drowning. I just listened probably with my mouth agape, wishing I was not only there but THAT EAGLE being saved by him. He spoke of it like it was nothing really.

So, I guess I will just let this chick flick continue, let my character follow the script of which I never can read the ending. I'm sure we will have many twists in the movie, perhaps I will be like "Julia Roberts" in Step Mom at one point, who knows. Hopefully it will be an original script and not one I already know from my full collection of chick-flicks on VHS. Whatever happens, being the lead is definitely fun.