Friday, November 28, 2014

The Awakening

So, I had a discussion the other night with a friend about little things that comfort you; things people do that instantly brings you back to your childhood. We both discovered we sucked our thumbs when we were kids and that brought on the topic of instant gratification. It's interesting how anyone can smell, hear, taste, feel or see something that emotionally brings you through an internal time warp and places you in that specific situation from when it happened, and then your brain brings up all of the emotional responses from that time. For example, when I see a Gerber baby food commercial, my mind makes my mouth do what babies do when they eat. Of course I don't physically do the action, but I recognize that I am fighting - my mind vs body - to actually carry out the action. The internal feeling is an uncontrollable reaction in response to a stimulation of one or more of my senses. I personally love it when it happens.

Last night, and this morning, I had one of those "feelings" and it literally brought a smile to my face. Over the past year, there has been news about Walt Disney owning the Star Wars franchise and I was of course skeptical. I am 46 years old now and when Star Wars was released it was 1977 - mini me being the ripe age of 9 years old. I was in my formative years and was subjected to a movie that would forever change my whole existence. I was an immediate fan and, looking back at the trilogy, I can see why. Seeing a strong female character, a leader and in charge, had its immediate affect on a young girl. The hero wasn't bad in looks either. I was hooked and to this day have a collection of Star Wars paraphernalia in my apartment.

The smile that was planted on my face was because of the trailer released for the newest addition to the Star Wars saga. I am and will always be a skeptic on anything new having to pertain to Star Wars. It is to me like doing covers of Beatles tunes. The prequel trilogy disappointed me to no end, especially the female character, as she began similarly to my mentor, so to speak, a strong and independent leader also. To no avail, by the last episode, her character shrivelled to nothing, weak and meek, nothing I wanted or expected. This wasn't what Star Wars was about, especially to me. So these sneak peaks of the newest trilogy obviously intrigued me and I have perused through the two videos with eyes wide open. What I did see stirred something inside I hadn't felt in a while, an excitement I'm sure most Star Wars fans around the globe are also feeling.

I was immediately brought back to my pre-teen and teenage years, when the obsessions of every interest took your body over like a tidal wave. Click, click, click I searched the internet for more news, trailers, pictures, interviews, articles, anything that was about the new movies. I remembered how much I loved the post movie storylines of the novels published about the future of all the characters, and of course, the fan site I used to chat on for hours with other fans. Yes, I am and have always admitted to be a Star Wars nerd, but the recent trailers have reawakened the latent emotions hidden underneath the years of life.

I am definitely excited!!!!!!

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Vicious Circle

Small world. I never liked that ride at Disneyland. The song especially song by all those creepy dolls. Augh. I think back to that ride, three-year-old me screaming in the darkness as all those eyes sang out "it's a small world after all...". I was terrified of the dark at the time, perhaps foreshadowing this current chapter in my life.

In my recent exploits, I found out some interesting news about my past love life intermingling with my dwindling current one. The past months I've had my eye on this attractive and yet mysterious man whom has avoided my gaze until two months ago. He and I shared a laugh over beers in the local watering hole about some regulars, whom are  avid if not fanatic fans of the cable series Game Of Thrones. These guys have a sort of "book club" every week to discuss every scene and line, and Mystery Man seemed to chuckle a load under his breath listening to the talk.

After the first meeting, I realised he had his eyes on me for a while as he stated quite frankly, and asked me out on a date. He proceeded to lose my number and I racked it up to stupid men reasoning. After a few weeks, seeing him a few times over beers and a few shots of Jameson's, which he insisted I have, he told me he wondered why I was single and should loosen up. I retorted that I have had some crappy experiences with men and I have some walls. He responded with "No Kidding". 

In the next week I got a weird text from an unknown number, and after many texts back and forth, I still didn't know whom it was. So I blocked him, not knowing exactly the author. The next few nights later I asked MM and he said it was him but for some reason I didn't believe him. We exchanged numbers and he proceeded to ask me out on a proper date. He said he would text me when and where soon. A week later we went for dinner at a local pizza joint over one drink only, good small talk and conversation. After he invited me over to his place, which ended up our one of two sessions, in total, in bed. Over the month in between each tryst, we saw each other and did not quite get along but I always faltered and let him back into my circle. I had a gut feeling this was weird.

I must return to the main point of this story - Small World - in which I am in the middle of that silly ride. A few days ago, I was in my watering hole with a friend of mine from my past job, and this woman came in and joined us, sitting on the opposite side of me. She has entered my circle through a friend, whom I believe she has eyes on and I don't. She told me she had seen us together walking down the street, which I was confused at first as I hate that Big Brother feeling of being watched. I assured her there was no love affair going on and she continued to tell me that he liked me. Augh! I went back to my conversation with my workmate and in walked my ex of seven years, a strange sight as he rarely came in to this bar. I smiled and he sat next to Chatty Cathy and proceeded to seem heavily interested in her. Then I glanced over and CC was kissing him! She then turned to me and said "I didn't know you knew him". I nodded and felt a little sick inside. Was she doing this to spite me over the mutual friend she liked? On went the night, as I dreaded looking over my left shoulder to whatever was going on, while also fearing MM would come in, as I was done with this screwed up being that entered and exited my life too often. I continued my talk with my workmate when I glanced up to see a drunk MM sitting across from me smiling his shit eating sexy grin. I just didn't deserve this. The night continued, my workmate left, and I was defenceless, so I moved to the other side of the bar to a table to safety. My ex left with CC. And I went upstairs to avoid the glaring eyes of MM.

Where does this Small World come into play? Well, the next night I saw CC and we talked about my ex, which proceeded to explain their relationship, a friendship of him and two other guys I knew, her "Three Musketeers", they were all just friends. I thought "right" in actual fact I don't really care. We started talking about MM and she said that he has a girlfriend!!!! What?!!!! And I said we'll he's cheating on her with AT LEAST me! She then told me my ex is in love with his girlfriend and hates MM, and the feeling is mutual between them. This has started to fester now in my brain and I hear the familiar song - the singing dolls have surrounded me. I was a pawn in this whole soap opera of freaking grown adults, and not of my choice! I am simply a bystander, hit by bullets from this freaking pissing match about me! OMG! I have no idea what I have done in this life, or better yet in my previous life, but I can't deserve this. On top of trying to pull my bootstraps up and find a new job, I have this dramedy in which I am the guest star and centre storyline?

It's A Small World After All.....augh.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Cutting The Ties That Bind Me

There are limits everyone has in their lives, binding their arms as they attempt to grasp at their dreams. Those limits can be the most frustrating at times, holding a person back from what they want, or trying to achieve their whole entire existence. These obstacles are walls so high, ones that you want to finally throw your exhausted body over and climb down to freedom, the top out of sight above the clouds. Sometimes they tighten around your wrists or your ankles, where you can do nothing but wince in pain, going through life feeling the agonizing grip.

Some limits are like a comforting blanket, enveloping you in warmth and safety, keeping you from needing to release the grip. These limitations disguise themselves as personality traits, genetic make up, reasons covering you for any out-of-the-ordinary turns you take in your life. These binds, made of cool velvet or the finest silk, feel smooth against your skin, never rubbing the wrong way, and the fear of losing that feeling keeps those silk ties wrapped around you tighter, as if it were a part of you.

Here I sit in front of my computer, looking at the reddish wounds wrapped around my wrists, the scars of being bound so tight that those ropes not only marred my skin but my mind. Binds like those are like evil charm bracelets, each charm a searing metal skewer delving into my being, reminding me that "I can't do this or that", slowly tapping away at my self-esteem and self-respect, to a point where Humpty Dumpty doesn't look so bad, laying on the ground in pieces. 

I love writing - blogs, short stories, journals - love lyrics to great songs, great screenplays. I have been blogging for years, laying out my day-to-day life in three separate blog sites. I was initially turned on to blogging through a workmate, whom was reading Dooce, a daily journal of a woman and her experiences with work and family. Turns out she was sued for blogging about work in a negative light. I was intrigued on the effect it would have if I spent some time writing out my activities and feelings. I knew, and still know today, I have nothing to hide (well, of what I publish), and use writing as a more cathartic way of releasing my feelings without people interrupting mid-thought, giving their mostly unwanted opinions. 

One of my original blogs disappeared into the internet abyss, upgrades to websites and operating systems, disappearing into the vortex of information floating in the Cloud. I've tried to search for it but to no avail, I gave up. Another was on a fan-site for my favourite movie saga, all theme based for the movies, or written specifically about topics discussed on the site. This blog didn't last long but it was fun while it lasted. Again, another lost blog for which I have searched, and failed. The third and still growing blogsite, this one right here, has been up and running since 2006, some months barren of posts while others full of creative, and not so creative, posts. Many of my friends, workmates and family have read some or all of my additions to this monumentous amount of stuff spilled out on the screen of my computer, brain to tips of my fingers, typing out my view on the world around me. I rejoiced in the interest and the commendations of my skill of writing. One customer said they came across this blog through a friend, and it was a thrill to know it was mine. She was amazed at not only connecting the dots and pinpointing the author, but also just simply that she found it through word of mouth and none of that information came from me at all.

Recently, I felt a tightening around my wrists, foreign to this outlet in my life, limiting me from one of the things in life I love. It didn't come in one fell swoop but more of a trickle, like the Chinese Water Torture I have seen in so many movies. I stay in touch with friends, family, past and current work mates, work and the mishmash of celebrity trash news on Facebook. With this I knew that posting stuff that is questionable can put me, and anyone, in hot water. I had a friend whom was kicked off due to his political comments he posted. He is now back on with an alias, which Zuckerberg's camp found, but allowed him back. I'm sure he is being watched more closely than the rest of us innocents. I started to get warnings from my work to remove certain posts, unrelated to work, because they were unprofessional. Ouch. Then, I was made to feel even more stifled, when I realized my employers were Big Brother, spying through every detail of my profile, and anything connected to links I posted, specifically my blog. This didn't make me flinch at first, that is until my blog posts were turned around on me, and my integrity and psychological state was in question. That's when I went into emergency lock down. Before I knew it, after confronting my employer on his irrational judgement of my state of being, him referring to a blog I wrote in 2006 (8 years ago) regarding my mother and my similarities to her, I began realizing my days were numbered and I was feeling more and more like an outsider.  It was a post I put up every year, on the anniversary of her death, in memory of her. I was also questioned on my posts on Facebook of pictures of my most recent sad event of my cat of 20 years, which I had to put down, mid summer, in the middle of the most chaotic month of the year - the apex of sales for my work. Ouch. Lockdown in affect.

Being fired for a specific action, understanding what went wrong and learning from it - this is all part of life. I am currently unemployed, fired for a reason that is in question. Regardless of the circumstances, I feel obviously confused, and am sitting on a bit of money from the termination, in lockdown still from Big Brother. I had to break the ties, remove the tight ropes that hold me back from things I love, writing especially. Lockdown means Facebook, Instagram, and Google+. Any connection, friend, circle, needed shutting down, privacy settings set to red alert lockdown. This was the only way to let the last friends I knew were friends, back in, through the secret entrance. Friends whom support me and my love for writing. So here I am, on a rock with my writing, only two bridges so far to this island, to read my blog. A blocking war waged throughout my social network. I know this isn't full proof but it deters the casual spy, and if they dig farther, so be it...

(Days Later)...lockdown released. I wait for the slings and arrows to come my way...