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Showing posts from 2014

Desire and Desperation

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It has been almost a month of unemployment and I'm going a bit stir crazy. It's not like I haven't been looking for work, as I have been sending out resumes almost daily. I just haven't had any desire to want to be a cook anymore, and with that massive obstacle in my way, my desire to job search is obsolete. It's been hard for me to even enjoy food itself, meals only being used for fuel, rather than enjoyment. I have spent over 25 years in this restaurant industry and it has run me dry. My last experience open wounds that won't heal and I am reluctant to find another similar job, in fear that those scars will reopen immediately. Everyone knows the infamous line: "Same shit, different pile" - I know that it is true and avoiding it is impossible in this industry. 


Passion is one thing I have been looking at in myself lately, trying to search for something I would love to do that would always motivate me no matter what. I know that here is a large chunk o…

The Awakening

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So, I had a discussion the other night with a friend about little things that comfort you; things people do that instantly brings you back to your childhood. We both discovered we sucked our thumbs when we were kids and that brought on the topic of instant gratification. It's interesting how anyone can smell, hear, taste, feel or see something that emotionally brings you through an internal time warp and places you in that specific situation from when it happened, and then your brain brings up all of the emotional responses from that time. For example, when I see a Gerber baby food commercial, my mind makes my mouth do what babies do when they eat. Of course I don't physically do the action, but I recognize that I am fighting - my mind vs body - to actually carry out the action. The internal feeling is an uncontrollable reaction in response to a stimulation of one or more of my senses. I personally love it when it happens.

Last night, and this morning, I had one of those "…

Vicious Circle

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Small world. I never liked that ride at Disneyland. The song especially song by all those creepy dolls. Augh. I think back to that ride, three-year-old me screaming in the darkness as all those eyes sang out "it's a small world after all...". I was terrified of the dark at the time, perhaps foreshadowing this current chapter in my life.

In my recent exploits, I found out some interesting news about my past love life intermingling with my dwindling current one. The past months I've had my eye on this attractive and yet mysterious man whom has avoided my gaze until two months ago. He and I shared a laugh over beers in the local watering hole about some regulars, whom are  avid if not fanatic fans of the cable series Game Of Thrones. These guys have a sort of "book club" every week to discuss every scene and line, and Mystery Man seemed to chuckle a load under his breath listening to the talk.
After the first meeting, I realised he had his eyes on me for a wh…

Cutting The Ties That Bind Me

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There are limits everyone has in their lives, binding their arms as they attempt to grasp at their dreams. Those limits can be the most frustrating at times, holding a person back from what they want, or trying to achieve their whole entire existence. These obstacles are walls so high, ones that you want to finally throw your exhausted body over and climb down to freedom, the top out of sight above the clouds. Sometimes they tighten around your wrists or your ankles, where you can do nothing but wince in pain, going through life feeling the agonizing grip.
Some limits are like a comforting blanket, enveloping you in warmth and safety, keeping you from needing to release the grip. These limitations disguise themselves as personality traits, genetic make up, reasons covering you for any out-of-the-ordinary turns you take in your life. These binds, made of cool velvet or the finest silk, feel smooth against your skin, never rubbing the wrong way, and the fear of losing that feeling keeps …