Well it’s my birthday tomorrow. I’m feeling exhausted and run down. I have the wonderful experience of sitting next to an ex in my local pub, whom I broke up with exactly 5 years ago. I found out last night from a mutual friend that he stuck around with me for 2 years before I cut the cord, living with me while I paid for an amazingly amount of shit while he drank himself into a dark cave.
Sitting next to him is making me physically ill now, tolerating his presence for the sake of the room. He still tries to talk to me but last night’s news made me realize the wasted fucking years I spent, thinking it could work if we tried. He never did and coked and drank his life away, while lying to me for 2 years. What a fucking coward. I tried, sending notes, meeting him after work, compromising my life for our relationship.
Sitting next to him can’t be a big enough wake up call to how I needed to get a backbone and also how I have shut people out since then. Being single on your birthday is the worst and because if your schedule and your specific job, no one can party with you. I have set up a date the next day to see a dance recital for my niece at my old high school, her school now. I’m sure I’ll feel even older after that experience from the past.
Turning 45 years old with not much to show for yourself sucks.