Sunday, December 30, 2012

Welcome To The Real World...No Such Thing

Looking around at the many people I know within the many rooms of my house called Life, I wonder which people entered this house with a personal invitation, compared to people whom entered with a false ID. No bouncer at the front door, I'm sure, as I wander from room to room, I should re-evaluate the entrance policy of my house. Do I really know these guests, drifting through my rooms, looking at my stuff? Are these rooms filled simply to fill them? Are these people interested in me or are they there just to take from me or use me?

I have seen many an awkward moment with this circle of people I include in my life. Many times I have stood up for them, backing up one person's story against another. I have spoken out when someone needed help. I have supported people in emotional need. I have celebrated in times of happiness, and cried in times of sadness. I felt I was an important part of this circle, contributing with the rest. This, in most descriptions, would be defined as friendship. 

Well, it was my turn to sit in the hot seat recently, targeted by one of the unfortunate people within this circle, an angry and bitter man with hardly anything ever good to say. Often it is like walking on thin ice with him around, never knowing when the ice will crack, dropping you into the icy cold water beneath. He lashed out for no apparent reason, letting me have a black cloud of expletives crashing down on me and slowly cutting through my armour. As I took his barrage of crap, I noticed not one of the people in my circle jumping up to stop him, giving him his in return. One tried to make me walk away but I needed to be sure there were no takers, and as I said goodnight to others he continued his onslaught. I went back to him, wished him a good night and walked away, not choosing the path some may have thought, or even hoped, I wanted to take. I was shattered from the absence of defence. How could this have happened? Were they expecting me lash out in return? I wanted to, thinking a sweet punch to the face would do the trick. This has never been part of my repertoire - using my sharp tongue is more my style. 

This night was an eye-opener for me. No one really has my back in this world but me. None of these people present in this situation were deserving of walking through my house, filling my rooms, acting as if they were friends. What was most humiliating was the horrified look on one person's face, a certain someone I have had my eye one lately. He watched this act, as I was stabbed repeatedly, in shock and awe. I felt humiliated and left casually but inside I was bleeding out everywhere. 

I have immediately cleared house, hired a doorman, locked all my doors, shut my curtains and am hiding in the back of my cave. Am I being dramatic? Am I overreacting? Well, I am taking a break, a step back, a flyby to see the actual make-up of my circle of friends and acquaintances. I am too old to just let this happen, to take it and continue on. If anything, I don't need to depend on these people in my life, with the obvious failure to assist at ground zero being a clue. Time to review my mistakes and make a change. I seem to be doing this too many times in my life and this is a clue that it is my fault, collecting the same types of people in my inner circle. Well, I guess I'll need a new Sharpie to draw a new circle. 

"Welcome the the real world she said to me, condescendingly..." John Mayer, No Such Thing.
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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