Sunday, December 30, 2012

Welcome To The Real World...No Such Thing

Looking around at the many people I know within the many rooms of my house called Life, I wonder which people entered this house with a personal invitation, compared to people whom entered with a false ID. No bouncer at the front door, I'm sure, as I wander from room to room, I should re-evaluate the entrance policy of my house. Do I really know these guests, drifting through my rooms, looking at my stuff? Are these rooms filled simply to fill them? Are these people interested in me or are they there just to take from me or use me?

I have seen many an awkward moment with this circle of people I include in my life. Many times I have stood up for them, backing up one person's story against another. I have spoken out when someone needed help. I have supported people in emotional need. I have celebrated in times of happiness, and cried in times of sadness. I felt I was an important part of this circle, contributing with the rest. This, in most descriptions, would be defined as friendship. 




Well, it was my turn to sit in the hot seat recently, targeted by one of the unfortunate people within this circle, an angry and bitter man with hardly anything ever good to say. Often it is like walking on thin ice with him around, never knowing when the ice will crack, dropping you into the icy cold water beneath. He lashed out for no apparent reason, letting me have a black cloud of expletives crashing down on me and slowly cutting through my armour. As I took his barrage of crap, I noticed not one of the people in my circle jumping up to stop him, giving him his in return. One tried to make me walk away but I needed to be sure there were no takers, and as I said goodnight to others he continued his onslaught. I went back to him, wished him a good night and walked away, not choosing the path some may have thought, or even hoped, I wanted to take. I was shattered from the absence of defence. How could this have happened? Were they expecting me lash out in return? I wanted to, thinking a sweet punch to the face would do the trick. This has never been part of my repertoire - using my sharp tongue is more my style. 

This night was an eye-opener for me. No one really has my back in this world but me. None of these people present in this situation were deserving of walking through my house, filling my rooms, acting as if they were friends. What was most humiliating was the horrified look on one person's face, a certain someone I have had my eye one lately. He watched this act, as I was stabbed repeatedly, in shock and awe. I felt humiliated and left casually but inside I was bleeding out everywhere. 



I have immediately cleared house, hired a doorman, locked all my doors, shut my curtains and am hiding in the back of my cave. Am I being dramatic? Am I overreacting? Well, I am taking a break, a step back, a flyby to see the actual make-up of my circle of friends and acquaintances. I am too old to just let this happen, to take it and continue on. If anything, I don't need to depend on these people in my life, with the obvious failure to assist at ground zero being a clue. Time to review my mistakes and make a change. I seem to be doing this too many times in my life and this is a clue that it is my fault, collecting the same types of people in my inner circle. Well, I guess I'll need a new Sharpie to draw a new circle. 



"Welcome the the real world she said to me, condescendingly..." John Mayer, No Such Thing.
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Doors Closing Hopefully Lead To Other Doors Opening

It's the Christmas season and I just put up my tree. Sometimes I think, why the Hell am I doing this? I never have anyone over to my cave. Sure it's pretty but all the decorations remind me of previous parts of my life, especially ex-boyfriends. I still hang them on the boughs of my fake tree, perhaps an acceptance of every twist and turn of my life. It's sad from a certain angle, that I am alone at my age, but I know it's my choice. I have noticed that I am attracting the opposite sex and I enjoy the attention. For some reason, these men that are buzzing around are not capable of asking me out. Sure, I could do them the honours, but I still want to be courted, like every gal. 

I was sad to hear that one of my suitors will not be around as much, for good reasons, as he purchased a new home, on the east side of town. Moving out of the West End will limit his visits of course, and also, lower the chance of him actually getting enough courage to ask me out. He is kind of a quirky guy, funny and nerdy, but cute nonetheless. He will be moving at the end of the month. In the back of my mind, I heard a door shut...

Another past lover/friend has already moved away, but we speak once and a while, saying we will hook up when he returns on his visits. Unfortunately, he has gathered a special someone in his new life, thus making it more awkward than it was before, considering he is married. I am happy for him but also selfishly disappointed, as a night of debauchery is out of the question now. There's that sound again, another door shutting...

So with all these doors shutting in the back of my mind, I wonder if I am even able to hear doors opening in my life. I am pretty bored with my love life, or rather lack of it, and people around me are having babies, getting married, doing all the things that have somehow avoided my path. Every year I say, this is the year I will find that special someone. I'm starting to not believe my own words. I wonder if there is anyone out there strong enough to handle me?

I will always stay positive, a romantic at heart. There's always a JCM song to cover any mood or predicament I am in. Here's a song I am living by right now. "Good Love Is On The Way'. The lyrics are pretty much working for me right now. Maybe for Christmas Santa can bring me some "colour in my world'. Merry Christmas!!!!




I'm a lazy lover

Undercover

Wasting time
Then one day this summer
I changed my number
To cut my line

Good love is on the way
I been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

3 years broken hearted
But now her ghost is finally gone
I'm done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know I'll be ok
Good love is on the way
Oh, Good love is on the way, hey


Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

animated counters
Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter