Thursday, November 15, 2012

Autumn Doldrums

Where did the daylight go? The sun is setting earlier every day and it is making me a bit sluggish. All I want to do is sleep and eat. I understand the natural winter preparation all animals do as the weather gets colder and there is less sunlight. I have managed to gain 10lbs without even noticing. I know why the weight has piled on, and every excuse under the sun (or rather, clouds) will not make me thinner.


I am obviously and unknowingly fattening up for the winter, fully ready for hibernation. In actual fact, my days off have been something similar of the sort, staying indoors, warm and dry, avoiding the fresh air, inevitably paired with cloud bursts and continuous downpours. Looking outside at the dreary weather would make anyone pull the covers back over their head. I was so used to my 2 hour walks around the seawall, enjoying the different wildlife and foliage in Stanley Park. This lack of sunlight and drab weather has chased me indoors, away from my usual routine. My jeans are tighter, my body feels tighter, and my joints are definitely screaming out at me, with the creaking sounds of an 80 year old.


I have started my regimen of vitamins, which I seemed to neglect in the last half of the year; bottles collecting dust on my bathroom counter. They are not any kind of remedy but of all of the collection, the vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, is most needed. It replenishes the lost vitamin, normally produced in the body taking in the precious rays. Hopefully this may pep me up a bit.


I have been quite quiet in my personal life lately too. Not trying to become a spinster, I feel the possibility of being alone forever, creeping in the back of my mind. Recently, with my newly acquired nesting activities, a friend and lover of my past asked when I got laid last. I was, at that moment addicted to escape video games and told him how cool the computer games were, which he immediately pointed out my stagnant desire to find someone. Of course, my response was defensive, and the excuses rolled off my tongue easily.


Perhaps this rut in my love life is a mere recharging for the next big thing coming my way. I sometimes feel I have spent most if what my heart can afford, not taking the chances I used to in my younger years. I am jaded, I admit, perhaps even soured or bitter, my face harder than years before. The last chance I took backfired and ended so badly, I felt to blame for it all. I was duped, as we're my friends, of this individual, whom made me feel he was never interested in me ever, platonic or not. His lies and deceit were obvious once he turned on me, making every word he said to me seem like a chain of lies. What was the worst of it all was "he didn't want to sleep with me". I'm so used to guys just trying or saying anything to get in your pants, and I play the game with them to see whether there is anything other than that initial desire. Ultimately it is what men want, initially, and understanding this makes the whole game easier. That is, until someone enters the game with another goal in mind. I am still trying to figure out the goal of Mr Wrong whom recently befriended me only to turn into a different person overnight, as if he was possessed by another person while hanging out with me.


This whole incident has left me, perhaps, a bit below sea level, hesitating on every move I make, looking for instant gratification, whether it be in the form of beer, chocolate, food, attention, etc. I am unfortunately dangling in the wind without many friends as 3 of them have left the city, 1 out of the province. Not realizing the connection I had with them until their departure, I have been floating around day by day, wondering about the future. I guess not writing in my blog here for quite a while is another sign. Perhaps this release will help. Only time will tell. Wish me luck.






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