Thursday, January 5, 2012


Welcome 2012!
The new year had begun and, although it seems like just another day to me, there is always a desire to change. Yes, I know, it is so unlike me to be a 'sheeple', following the crowds, copying the trends and waves of fads. I never make resolutions because it is a direct line to failure, but I have a desire to change it up a bit. I have to admit, I am becoming more and more bitter in my slowly diminishing life and look at the people around me, wondering if I will be that old bitty bitching about the price of bananas, telling the same old stories over and over again to the same old faces - their attention span gone in seconds, as the story begins, their focus drifting to another shiny item to entertain the droning sound from my lips. This how I am some days with the folks around me in my place of relaxation. I swear I don't want to be that.

I do have to open myself up and enjoy some affection. I have had quite a few years of bad man choices in my life. I can't say its been all bad. A 5 year relationship, 7 year relationship, 3 year relationship - all good memories. Unfortunately, the human being has been accustomed to block bad recollections. The funny thing is I do remember the unfortunate slips too. Hopefully, if I open up enough, I can let someone in my heart again. Being alone is becoming a new fear of mine. I am very comfortable alone but becoming the equivalent to Eleanor Rigby of Beatles fame is scary.

My current situation is enjoyable but not frequent enough to satisfy my desires. The question is whether I want to continue the situation while attempting to find more. I have never been very good at juggling, and don't intend on it in the future. I do want to continue the nonchalant situation I have, late texts, surprise visits, and leaking bits of information out to alter my angelic untouchable appearance. I like it, I like the secrecy and the different attention. 

I recently met an older gentleman who was visiting from Northern BC. He was a regular at the local pub and became fast friends with the regulars. He had a happy-go-lucky attitude and seemed to be quite neutral in his discussions with everyone. He took a liking to me in a friendly way and I figured it would be harmless, in his brief visit, for him to know a little about me. I gave him some  history, all be it short, of my life, love-life included, and he seemed to have some good advice. His observance of the people, their reaction towards me, and especially the men, made me laugh. He said I have this control of the men around me and they are hypnotized by me. I found this hilarious and completely false. I am not a tease and do not create attention around me, unlike others I know. 

The most humorous event with this stranger was the sudden change, as if he was now being pulled in by a tractor field by the Death Star (me). He became so irritating to me, his continuous hovering and watching, I had to push him away, similar to other 'stalker-types' in the bar. I felt robbed of my personal information and that he, like other men, had an ulterior motive. This is again quite bothersome to me. I like my space as everyone knows. When I open a door, I don't need the person on the other side to barrel through like a break in a dam. With me it's baby steps.

So, this guy of the least amount of frequency, has leaked through the cracks. He comes and goes like the ebb and flow of the tides, but that is a constancy on which I can depend. I just need to remember to ask. I have always had a hard time asking for anything. I guess it might be from being the youngest child, a girl on top of that, and wanting to prove that I can do it without help. Asking is a sign of weakness. This guy has always said, "just ask, and I'll be there". I did ask for help in moving a mattress to my friend's house, and that was easy and effortless. That doesn't involve any emotional attachment though, while, what he was saying, is a bit harder the wrap my 'Happy Days" brain around. Regardless, he has asked almost everytime, leaving me looking like a scared little puppy. Our last tryst was great but that followed up with New Year's parties, preparations and work, topped with my favourite monthly visit (a blessing in disguise). This unfortunately, broke the path I was building, but I keep in contact regularly, attempting not be overly needy.

I have decided, in this new year, to be more assertive and ASK. My new mantra is 'Ask More, Wait Less'. This is more universal than it seems. We'll see how long it lasts. Oh right, and I must learn to juggle.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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