Sunday, December 30, 2012

Welcome To The Real World...No Such Thing

Looking around at the many people I know within the many rooms of my house called Life, I wonder which people entered this house with a personal invitation, compared to people whom entered with a false ID. No bouncer at the front door, I'm sure, as I wander from room to room, I should re-evaluate the entrance policy of my house. Do I really know these guests, drifting through my rooms, looking at my stuff? Are these rooms filled simply to fill them? Are these people interested in me or are they there just to take from me or use me?

I have seen many an awkward moment with this circle of people I include in my life. Many times I have stood up for them, backing up one person's story against another. I have spoken out when someone needed help. I have supported people in emotional need. I have celebrated in times of happiness, and cried in times of sadness. I felt I was an important part of this circle, contributing with the rest. This, in most descriptions, would be defined as friendship. 




Well, it was my turn to sit in the hot seat recently, targeted by one of the unfortunate people within this circle, an angry and bitter man with hardly anything ever good to say. Often it is like walking on thin ice with him around, never knowing when the ice will crack, dropping you into the icy cold water beneath. He lashed out for no apparent reason, letting me have a black cloud of expletives crashing down on me and slowly cutting through my armour. As I took his barrage of crap, I noticed not one of the people in my circle jumping up to stop him, giving him his in return. One tried to make me walk away but I needed to be sure there were no takers, and as I said goodnight to others he continued his onslaught. I went back to him, wished him a good night and walked away, not choosing the path some may have thought, or even hoped, I wanted to take. I was shattered from the absence of defence. How could this have happened? Were they expecting me lash out in return? I wanted to, thinking a sweet punch to the face would do the trick. This has never been part of my repertoire - using my sharp tongue is more my style. 

This night was an eye-opener for me. No one really has my back in this world but me. None of these people present in this situation were deserving of walking through my house, filling my rooms, acting as if they were friends. What was most humiliating was the horrified look on one person's face, a certain someone I have had my eye one lately. He watched this act, as I was stabbed repeatedly, in shock and awe. I felt humiliated and left casually but inside I was bleeding out everywhere. 



I have immediately cleared house, hired a doorman, locked all my doors, shut my curtains and am hiding in the back of my cave. Am I being dramatic? Am I overreacting? Well, I am taking a break, a step back, a flyby to see the actual make-up of my circle of friends and acquaintances. I am too old to just let this happen, to take it and continue on. If anything, I don't need to depend on these people in my life, with the obvious failure to assist at ground zero being a clue. Time to review my mistakes and make a change. I seem to be doing this too many times in my life and this is a clue that it is my fault, collecting the same types of people in my inner circle. Well, I guess I'll need a new Sharpie to draw a new circle. 



"Welcome the the real world she said to me, condescendingly..." John Mayer, No Such Thing.
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Doors Closing Hopefully Lead To Other Doors Opening

It's the Christmas season and I just put up my tree. Sometimes I think, why the Hell am I doing this? I never have anyone over to my cave. Sure it's pretty but all the decorations remind me of previous parts of my life, especially ex-boyfriends. I still hang them on the boughs of my fake tree, perhaps an acceptance of every twist and turn of my life. It's sad from a certain angle, that I am alone at my age, but I know it's my choice. I have noticed that I am attracting the opposite sex and I enjoy the attention. For some reason, these men that are buzzing around are not capable of asking me out. Sure, I could do them the honours, but I still want to be courted, like every gal. 

I was sad to hear that one of my suitors will not be around as much, for good reasons, as he purchased a new home, on the east side of town. Moving out of the West End will limit his visits of course, and also, lower the chance of him actually getting enough courage to ask me out. He is kind of a quirky guy, funny and nerdy, but cute nonetheless. He will be moving at the end of the month. In the back of my mind, I heard a door shut...

Another past lover/friend has already moved away, but we speak once and a while, saying we will hook up when he returns on his visits. Unfortunately, he has gathered a special someone in his new life, thus making it more awkward than it was before, considering he is married. I am happy for him but also selfishly disappointed, as a night of debauchery is out of the question now. There's that sound again, another door shutting...

So with all these doors shutting in the back of my mind, I wonder if I am even able to hear doors opening in my life. I am pretty bored with my love life, or rather lack of it, and people around me are having babies, getting married, doing all the things that have somehow avoided my path. Every year I say, this is the year I will find that special someone. I'm starting to not believe my own words. I wonder if there is anyone out there strong enough to handle me?

I will always stay positive, a romantic at heart. There's always a JCM song to cover any mood or predicament I am in. Here's a song I am living by right now. "Good Love Is On The Way'. The lyrics are pretty much working for me right now. Maybe for Christmas Santa can bring me some "colour in my world'. Merry Christmas!!!!




I'm a lazy lover

Undercover

Wasting time
Then one day this summer
I changed my number
To cut my line

Good love is on the way
I been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

3 years broken hearted
But now her ghost is finally gone
I'm done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know I'll be ok
Good love is on the way
Oh, Good love is on the way, hey


Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Friday, November 16, 2012

Another Friday Night

It's funny how Friday night can pop up on you, not in the calendar kinda way, but in the excitement of the whole world sayin' "hey it's Friday, let's have fun!" I am of that bunch, trying to have the fun we all are told to have. Society says on Friday we can relax, go out and let loose. Well, I was ready for that but of course, working the next day, throbbing in the back of my mind, and still yet at noon, has become a bit of a damper.

The night has been like every "amateur drinking holiday", like Halloween, New Years Eve, etc. To me Friday night is just another night, where it starts off strong and dwindles to a quiet roar. If you have a second wind you can ride the tide with the late comers, but this is like sex with a guy with erectile disfunction... You never can depend on a good time.

So I arrive, ready for some fun and, yes, it started out great, fun people, fun times. Now, the lull resting in the decision to stay has brought me into the onion skin level of under ground here, where locals show up a bit tipsy, if not drunk, with their opinions on there sleeve, like the brightest parrot, sitting on the shoulder of a pirate. This conversation is awkward, at times, groaningly awful mostly, but still entertaining. Perhaps a view into the future for me or in fact a mirror. In some ways, being an employee looks more exciting than this side of the bar.

So, while at this other living room, I was enlightened by a simple kiss "goodbye". A former suitor, whom is still a friend, was in enjoying the evening and preparing for a dinner date with someone. He seemed more interested in my attention than going to dinner until his stomach was eating him. He made his way out, purposely, I think, leaving a long wet kiss on my cheek.

Now, after a bit of libation, possibly rubbing an old regular the wrong way, I patiently listen to the conversation and realize he is up for a fight, as usual, always looking to stir the shit. Always up for a challenge I attempted a conversation but to no avail, it was pointless, as his mind had been set in his own stone surroundings. Being very much uncomfortable in the new atmosphere of a renovated bar, the new look of the room, and damper of the staff, this alien room has put him on edge. In return, I am so happy to know never to burn a bridge and support the place that is your other living room. His

I digress, yet not, as Friday is a chaotic mix of regulars and newbies enjoying the same space. I enjoy the comfort of the familiar, but, this place is in a crossroads, and I tend to stay on the track of the change, enjoying the metamorphosis. Others come in to "enjoy" it yet they place their judgement on their sleeve... Sigh.

In the end, I am here, out and not inside. The rain continues and the darkness is still enveloping us all. I see it all and stand back watching, like a live drama, never ending.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Autumn Doldrums

Where did the daylight go? The sun is setting earlier every day and it is making me a bit sluggish. All I want to do is sleep and eat. I understand the natural winter preparation all animals do as the weather gets colder and there is less sunlight. I have managed to gain 10lbs without even noticing. I know why the weight has piled on, and every excuse under the sun (or rather, clouds) will not make me thinner.


I am obviously and unknowingly fattening up for the winter, fully ready for hibernation. In actual fact, my days off have been something similar of the sort, staying indoors, warm and dry, avoiding the fresh air, inevitably paired with cloud bursts and continuous downpours. Looking outside at the dreary weather would make anyone pull the covers back over their head. I was so used to my 2 hour walks around the seawall, enjoying the different wildlife and foliage in Stanley Park. This lack of sunlight and drab weather has chased me indoors, away from my usual routine. My jeans are tighter, my body feels tighter, and my joints are definitely screaming out at me, with the creaking sounds of an 80 year old.


I have started my regimen of vitamins, which I seemed to neglect in the last half of the year; bottles collecting dust on my bathroom counter. They are not any kind of remedy but of all of the collection, the vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, is most needed. It replenishes the lost vitamin, normally produced in the body taking in the precious rays. Hopefully this may pep me up a bit.


I have been quite quiet in my personal life lately too. Not trying to become a spinster, I feel the possibility of being alone forever, creeping in the back of my mind. Recently, with my newly acquired nesting activities, a friend and lover of my past asked when I got laid last. I was, at that moment addicted to escape video games and told him how cool the computer games were, which he immediately pointed out my stagnant desire to find someone. Of course, my response was defensive, and the excuses rolled off my tongue easily.


Perhaps this rut in my love life is a mere recharging for the next big thing coming my way. I sometimes feel I have spent most if what my heart can afford, not taking the chances I used to in my younger years. I am jaded, I admit, perhaps even soured or bitter, my face harder than years before. The last chance I took backfired and ended so badly, I felt to blame for it all. I was duped, as we're my friends, of this individual, whom made me feel he was never interested in me ever, platonic or not. His lies and deceit were obvious once he turned on me, making every word he said to me seem like a chain of lies. What was the worst of it all was "he didn't want to sleep with me". I'm so used to guys just trying or saying anything to get in your pants, and I play the game with them to see whether there is anything other than that initial desire. Ultimately it is what men want, initially, and understanding this makes the whole game easier. That is, until someone enters the game with another goal in mind. I am still trying to figure out the goal of Mr Wrong whom recently befriended me only to turn into a different person overnight, as if he was possessed by another person while hanging out with me.


This whole incident has left me, perhaps, a bit below sea level, hesitating on every move I make, looking for instant gratification, whether it be in the form of beer, chocolate, food, attention, etc. I am unfortunately dangling in the wind without many friends as 3 of them have left the city, 1 out of the province. Not realizing the connection I had with them until their departure, I have been floating around day by day, wondering about the future. I guess not writing in my blog here for quite a while is another sign. Perhaps this release will help. Only time will tell. Wish me luck.






Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sunday Sunday

Well, another brunch eaten but at my work, with another friend. It was nice. We talked about my past issues with the last guy of question in my life. I, again, ended with conclusion that I was not in the wrong again. Talking about it helps. Nothing really was drastically wrong accept my pride being beaten down. I am a bad judge of character I guess. I think I need help picking guys now, lol.

After I had a small walk, watched a
movie at home and was pulled off my couch by some planes flying in formation around Coal Harbour. I missed the Abbotsford Airshow this year and this was like a little snippet of what I missed. 3 Cessnas and 1 Harvard. Grabbed my camera and took some shots.
Now a few beers and some blues.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Saturday Off: WTF?

Well, it's my first Saturday off in what seems like a century. So, of course, I wake up at 7am. Not a surprise considering I've woken up at 6:30am or earlier forever on the weekends. I have a plans today but I still needed to pop in to see if the troops are 'killing it'. Now I'm off to breakie with a chum to see another chum at his new job. Then I'll shop around for some special bowls and a new mandolin for work.

*************

Well I accomplished my goals today with ease, finding the bowls for our new brunch menu at work, a new mandolin at work, and added bonus avocado slicer and a new duvet set (on sale), after going for brunch. It's 4pm now and I'm gonna hit the seawall for some music in the park. There is a huge concert at Brockton Oval (http://www.voicesinthepark.com/) with a bunch of musical bigwigs. I figure listening to it from the seawall might be possible???

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Let's Try This Again: Day One

Well yesterday was a one off. Yep, I fell off the wagon. My friend said "there is no spoon, Neo, or in your case no wagon...". I guess he's right. Anyways I am dry today.

I got a nice surprise visit from my, now long-distant friend yesterday, as he made sure he popped by before leaving again for Alberta. It was so great to see him, forgetting how he always put a smile on my face. He couldn't believe how good I looked and considering my so-called life right now, at least I look good. We had a quick chat and then he had to run. I hope he can come out again soon and we can hang out. He picks me up when I'm down. It's too bad we didn't have time for a bit of mattress dancing.

After seeing a hummingbird hovering around my balcony the other day, I proceeded to buy a feeder and make homemade nectar for the hummingbirds. Hopefully this will bring some new interesting life to my balcony.

Always curious, I sen a short message to the guy I removed from my "dance card" recently to make sure he was on the right track - meaning has he scraped his way out of the doldrums - and he sent me a message back "sober is the right track". I guess he's okay. That's all.

Well that's all I got today. On to tomorrow.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Sabbatical: Day Six

Well, last weekend brunch shift. Kinda happy it is over. My patience is gone and I need a break. Home is good. That's all I got today. No meeting with my pal. That's ok. On to tomorrow.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Sabbatical: Day Five

This headache has been hounding me for two days now. Yesterday after work it started and I thought it was from dehydration. Nope, hydrated to the point of feeling drowned, I then thought it might be from my damn neck/stress problem. I was at the chiropractor and massage therapist for a year and I finally got rid of the numbness in my fingers. This was a year and a half ago and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the issue. The headache continued at night and I took some Advil before bed. When I woke up it was still lingering and as I continued working today it became a small migraine. Not the best feeling, working in a kitchen that is 110F. I drank loads of liquids and still couldn't fight it. At one point I was just struggling to get through my shift, quiet and focused on the shift itself. 

Then it clicked. I remember this happening before and I tried it again. I asked a server to be so kind and make me an ice coffee as I had a migraine and I thought it might be from detox after not having a sip of caffeine in a few days. Well, it slowly brought me back to a level state. By the time I had left work my headache was just a mere tap in my head. It's funny how I haven't had a drink in 5 days and haven't suffered physically, except for the mere loneliness of not hanging with my chums at the watering hole, but without coffee I am debilitated to a mere pile of mush. 

Well, I even turned down a tryst with my FB tonight, as he has returned from his job in Alberta for his son's birthday. We will meet up but I wanted to not be "off" with a possible repeat of today. He was okay with it understanding that I, too, have a life. I really want to see him, even if he and I don't "hook up", because we have fun together no matter what we do. He and I are like two peas in a pod sometimes. I wonder if the time apart will make a difference on our friendship. I wonder if being on the wagon will turn him on or off? LOL. Time will tell. I will be seeing him tomorrow or Monday. 

Now, time for some reading and bed. My last Sunday shift is tomorrow and if it is anything like today, it'll be busy. No need for being tired.... 

Friday, September 7, 2012

Sabbatical: Day Four

Today was a normal day with it's usual ups and downs. I wonder sometimes about the human race and its ability to problem solve, recognize detail, and generally exist in such numbers on this planet. I haven't much to say tonight as I have a headache and should sleep early. Perhaps I will have more to say tomorrow. I will sleep now, licking my wounds (cut my finger today - part of the nail), and rest for tomorrow. Stay calm and carry on.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Sabbatical: Day Three


The leaves on the trees are change colour and the autumn air have arrived, along with less stressful work days. The crowds have disappeared, there is a slight crisp bite in the air and the patio is less popular until mid-day, when the sun is at it's hottest. The huge to-do-lists are not so overwhelming, while there is the aura of the labour ghost haunting us every second the clock ticks. This is the time of the year that is most unpredictable. You never know when the restaurant could get busy, usual in short slams and then it settles to a few customers again.

It was nice to see the new fryers purchased after another equipment failure occurred earlier this week. No point in fixing a defunct frying unit. Two shiny new fryers installed and running by 10:30am ready for the first crisp order of hash browns to be deep fried. As I worked, it felt better to clear my mind over the past few incidents in my days - my work schedule and the "fired" friend removed from my dance card. Talking always clears the muddled tangle of information in my mind. In the end, I feel like I am back on the right path, less emotional and steady on my feet.

After work, I picked up a shwarma sandwich, a juice and some newspapers with crosswords and headed to the beach for a little sunshine and music (iPod), dinner and puzzles. After an hour I wandered to the grocery store for some food to put in my fridge. I enjoy my time on the seawall regardless if almost every time I go, my peace is interrupted by a strange man commenting on something about me - either trying to pick me up or just being weird. Last night it was balanced. A guy in a canoe paddled up and asked me if I would be there for a bit. He wanted to get some food on Denman Street, and he was nice and asked if I was hungry. I said no but he returned 40 minutes later with a can of Coke for me anyways. Nice. The opposite happened while he was gone. Some older man (60+) came up to me to comment how I should watch the sunset and not read the paper. He also commented on how he got to meet a beautiful woman while the sun set. If he wasn't so creepy and didn't startle me while I was listening to music with my earphones, I may have not been put off, although any of these approaches will put me off after the last guy in my life.

Now, I am writing about my day and look forward to my couple of hours of reading before bed, as I did yesterday. Currently I'm finishing American On Purpose by Craig Ferguson. It is fantastic. I have filled my TV watching with TMZ (why are they so funny on that show?) and an episode of Coronation Street (the only soap I watch). Waiting for Big Brother while my dinner cooks in the oven, I am watching the MTV VMAs trying to enjoy the screaming of the youth while pop stars lip sync their songs. In some ways I am glad I'm not young in these times. It was way simpler way back in my younger years.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Sabbatical: Day Two

I woke today, with sun on my face and my cat purring near my ear. The end of Day One was anti-dramatic but included a finalization of one obstacle in my life. I called it quits with the guy I met recently, towing his baggage behind him. I realized this guy had taken me off course and was distracting me. He made his bed of nails, each point jabbing in his back like a multitude of his self-made problems poking his replicated voodoo doll. Now he needs to remove each porcupine needle out one by one, on his own. There is no way to form a relationship, albeit, friends, starting with a lie. I have no time for this in my life and believe that I tell the truth and have based my character on telling it like it is. He will not be part of my inner circle because of his lying. Had I known he was lying all this time, I would have never continued on that wrong dead end path. He has turned to the Lord now for help, and I hope those ladies at bible study are prepared for this selfish being to infiltrate their lives. "Praise Jesus" - his last texts were to me. Sigh.

After that I slept like a baby, and woke to see a couple of texts, thinking it was him. Luckily it wasn't but from a friend who quit from his job suddenly to move on to better horizons. He wanted to let me know and told me where he was working. I was sad to here he had left the ole watering hole, but in actual fact, he was one of the last surviving staff after the inane renovations and management decisions literally left the pub a vacuous room. Its no wonder there aren't tumbleweeds blowing around in there. He was smart to jump ship before it went down completely. We sent each other texts for a bit and then he was off to work.

I knew today was a clean house kinda day. Clean house, clear mind. So I proceeded with laundry, cleaning my whole apartment and then tackle some unfinished paperwork. All that done by 2pm I have been dawdling around, chatting with some pals. The sun is still shining now so I'm gonna hit the rest of the rays now. 

Day 2 so far so good.


The Sabbatical: Day One

To change one's life, a drastic event must occur, similar to a slap in the face. Let's say my pride has been slapped. In return, feeling sorry for myself, I looked back at when I felt more in control of my life. I quit drinking in February this year and lasted 2 months. I wasn't craving drinking the whole time. I did feel lonely, but that is because I meet all my friends at the bar, centered around alcohol. Regardless of the loneliness, I found that losing that expensive routine filled my wallet, filled my fridge and filled my focus.

Now, with a few recent set backs, I feel it's time to grab the bull by the horns. The first incident was meeting someone new whom eventually made me feel pretty crappy. His pain and guilt from his own issues were aimed at me. I simply lent and ear and gave him some minor advice, listening to his plight, like nursing a stray back to health. Unfortunately, the stray lashed out biting the hand that fed it. I have a natural attraction to men with issues, hoping that I can help in any way. This stray caught me by surprise, incapable of reading him, I decided today he needs to deal with his issues alone. I cannot help in any way, creating more pain on my end if I get involved.

The other wake up call was my workmates grouping together to oust me from my regular work schedule. Although the owners made it look as though they were making my life easier, I perceive it as a last call. Getting weekends off is great but not when I feel I should be needed durin the busiest times. Sure, I need time to be more creative at work and spending 50 hours a week cooking leaves me no time to create. I just feel I have been kicked out.

This is day one of this new life choice and I am uneasy. My feelings are all over the place. Tomorrow will be better.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Silence Everyone

For some people, days off are spent catching up on chores. Others fill their spare hours with athletic activities. Some visit family or spend time with friends. I love spending my days off listening to music and enjoying the sights on the seawall. Relaxing is the key. Today I walked around Stanley Park via the seawall, resting my mind, body and soul, listening to my most recent favorite album, Born and Raised by John Mayer. After a whirlwind of a week at work, I always save some of my hours outside of my high stress job for the seawall. I prescribe it for myself as a needed stress reliever. 

 I know I have a load of friends that fill my heart with joy and happiness. I enjoy this quirky group of pals, regardless of the unwanted attention I sometimes receive. Once and awhile some take my friendliness as signs of affection, which in return creates some awkward situations. I have been a participant in the unrequited love scenario too many times. It never ends well, knowing from experience. Never one to notice the staring gaze of potential courters, I have probably missed out on many live affairs. Perhaps I haven't missed a thing. I always say, if it was meant to be, it will be.

 Today I recharged in my usual way, and had sushi for dinner. After eating I decided to pop in to the bar to see some folks. I wanted to wait until  later because then all the riff raff will have gone home, buzzed and rowdy. I sauntered in only to be overwhelmed with unwanted attention coming from everywhere!!! I tried to ride the wave but one dart after another hit my unprepared relaxed state, causing me to move to a quieter part of the bar, alone. I am not always one to want the attention, especially sober, unlike many of my counterparts.  Was it a bad choice to come into the bar after such a beautiful relaxing day? Perhaps. Did I overreact? Surrounded by inebriated people, smothering me on my quiet day, was not what I wanted. I moved after being fed up with it. Do I need to apologize? No. Do I need these people to understand that I'm not the center of their attention? Nope.

 Just walk away. 

 Please people, silence. Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Day Off Brain Off

Soon, the storm will come. The sky is filling with clouds. The calm today is fleeting as I sit facing the rippling water of Lost Lagoon, as a turtle and merganser share a floating log. It's spring in Vancouver again, cherry blossoms dotting the side streets. The air is finally warm after a very wet winter. I am surrounded by pigeons, sitting on a park bench. I have been struggling all day to get outside and finally, after procrastinating most of my day away, I am breathing fresh air with a slight odour of fertiliser. I know that this smell will be permeating every olfactory system, with every gardener kneeling in chicken waste in hopes to create to most colourful bed of flowers.

Now a mallard couple preens their feathers in front of me as the sun breaks through the clouds, warming my legs. The male slips into the water to chase away two intruder mallards and promptly flies back to his mate. A couple of bald eagles soar miles above the lagoon and a swan floats toward me, dipping his bill into the lagoon. The water is now almost like glass as the wind has died down. A seaplane flies over the tree tops coming into the port to land, bringing commuters from Victoria or the Sunshine Coast. 

This is my park in my eyes. A way to unwind, relax and remove all thoughts from my mind for the time being. My brain is pretty empty, filling holes with songs from my iPod on random. Some songs fit the park serenity, some are the opposite, offensive to the quiet surroundings, similar to the cars lining up on the causeway behind me to cross the bridge to the North Shore. Some songs remind of people in my life, automatically bringing a grin to my face. 

A turtle pops his head above the top of the water, paddling slowly to the lagoon edge. Carp in the lagoon skim the surface to scoop bugs on the water  into their gaping mouths, leaving a slight ripple in the water and a glint of light from their wet scales touched by sunlight. Jogger after jogger pass behind me, panting and glistening with perspiration, oblivious to the beauty beside them. 

The mallard couple have now settled into a nap, their bills tucked under their wings. I feel just as sleepy, appropriate as I woke at dawn to the songs of a finch in a tree near my apartment building. I did finally doze off again only to sleep too long, filling my brain with that heavy dozy feeling. Now I just want to have another nap, similar to my cat.  The paddling turtle pops up his head for air and dips below the surface again. The sunlight breaks through the layer of clouds and immediately heats up the park, shimmering of the lagoon blinding me for a moment.

My stomach rumbles, telling me that I should have brought a snack with me. Unfortunately I was wandering once I left my home, like a feather in the wind, no actual direction or place in mind. Not surprising considering my inability to even decide on what to wear, I was lucky to even step outside. I did manage to change my sheets and duvet cover, a struggle in itself. Now my cat is asleep on the bed working on nap number 12 while I relax outside. 

As the warmth begins to fade, I decide to continue my walk. To the store for dinner? To the bar for a snack and some socialising? To the coffee shop for a latte and a crossword? We'll see. This day may have been devoid of excitement but definitely not in beauty.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Clear of Mind and Alcohol...

It's been 2 weeks since I have had any alcohol. Many people have first asked me why I have chosen to stop drinking, and whether it is permanent or simply a break? I honestly haven't been able to give them any concrete answer but I can tell them the pros of my choice, albeit the small amount of time that has passed. The questions also include scrunched up faces and raised eyebrows, truthful clues of their underlying feelings on the recent decision. Are they wondering if I will still be the fun-loving Jen everyone enjoyed sitting around? Will I become a born-again non-drinker? When will I start drinking again? 



I am asking myself these same questions. I stopped on Valentine's Day. Why? I woke up on my day off, extremely hung over and decided that day that I was wasting my life and money drinking. I, at first, thought my decision a bit rash, but I am 2 weeks in and am still dry. I equate this choice similar to my quitting smoking. I made that decision and stuck to it, never faltering, using a sometimes negative characteristic I have - extreme stubbornness. I remembered in my delirium that morning, that I was being an extreme "see-you-next-Tuesday" and have only myself to blame. I have always stated that alcohol can bring out the best or the worst of you. It definitely makes people speak the truth, or at least act out the truth, depending on the state of their lives, or what they perceive it to be. Let's just say, I wasn't very happy that evening. 


So here I am, clear of mind, and I am beginning to feel that this other crutch is about to meet it's maker in the dumpster of my past. I threw out my old ashtrays today and a zillion coffee mugs in my cupboard. For God's sake, I'm not giving up coffee! I just needed some room. Similarly, the removal of alcohol in the cupboards of my life, free up loads of room, and TIME. I spent so many hours, sitting and drinking in my other living room. Sure I made friends there, and yes there are a few relationships I have added to that dumpster when I quit smoking. There is also a trash bin filled with past romantic affairs, centered on the bar. Don't get me wrong...I am not avoiding my 'Cheers', but rather visiting it less and when I am there I am imbibing only on non-alcoholic drinks. For example, my favourite drink after a busy day cooking brunch has always been a double Caesar. Now I get the exact same thing, minus the vodka. Amazingly it still fills that desire! I also need to watch out for too much sugar in pop so I am drinking soda with a splash of lime cordial. I think it might be to early for a non-beer but so far so good.


Not only is there an enormous amount of time to fill in my non-working hours, which I have filled with movies at home so far, catching up on the Oscar nominated flicks, but I have worked out how much fatter my wallet is. In two weeks I have saved approximately $560 and have managed to get back on track with my bills. I have purchased a few items for myself to remind me of my small accomplishment, encouraging me to continue on my journey. My debts will be paid off faster and in a more timely fashion, as long as my 'reminder gifts' are kept to a minimum.


I have noticed a clearer mind in my work, allowing me to focus on the job at hand while at the same time see the bigger picture. Challenges are not so overwhelming every day, and I am getting more compliments in my general attitude. I am never used to compliments, but I am accepting them nonetheless. Perhaps, these positive reinforcements pinpoint my faults when I was in a haze from too many late nights. My frustration level is still a bit up and down but I am recognizing the contagious affect of positivity in my work place. I can recognize the dark cloud before I am under it.




So, the question is... How long will this last? I seriously don't know. The positive reaction I am getting is fueling me for a longer journey. I am hoping in the back of my mind that I can put this habit in my past. I know the pull is much stronger, especially in the line of work I have chosen, but I can honestly say, I feel better about myself at the moment, no matter how far away that light at the end of the tunnel is. For those friends and family who are reading this blog I thank you for your support and I hope those friends will continue to be in my life if I choose the alcohol-free path. I know my family will always be there.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Is Hank Moody Goin Down This Season On 'Californication'?

The whole premise of the show is around Hank and his inability to accept the consequences of his actions. We love him because he is this person we wanna be at times - irresponsible. But this time the arrow hit hard and deep. Will Carrie's harsh but psychotically passionate words roll off Hank's exterior, as he just shrugs off the pain like drops of rain. That raincoat named Karen and Becca doesn't seem to be so waterproof anymore.

Hank seems to influence everyone in his inner circle. Charlie is his best friend, and when we were first introduced to him, he was an anchor for Hank, getting him out of jams and smoothing over the rough patches. As we all know, bad behavior is learned through attention, whether it be bad or good. Charlie's little happy marriage with Marcy started failing because if the attention Charlie got from hanging out and acting like Hank. It never seems to be either of their fault when the plot turns down a bad path, with the excuse of 'it just happened' or 'I don't understand women'. The inner circle Hank relies on to ground himself, has broken up and isn't as strong as it was, obviously of his own doing. His safety net is full of holes and he may be down a similar road to his demise. He may not be saved from drowning this time.

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge


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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Where Is My Hank Moody?

I'm not looking. I always say, looking, expecting, pushing the issue, will come to nothing in the alien land of love. I have had a recent overdose of one man, albeit a fictional character, but he has managed to pinpoint certain past and present experiences in my life. I have stayed consistent in my love affairs, always a most obvious flaw in the material that makes each man an attraction to no end. Always the damaged material to keep me sufficiently entertained. The fictional character is Hank Moody of Californication craze, the role immortalized by David Duchovny, a flawed character himself. It has been questionable whether he is even acting, reports of his sexual addiction broadcasted on every page of the Internet and garbage celebrity tabloid. 

I recently watched every episode, 50 episodes in less that a week, encompassing myself within the glitz, glamor, and insanity of a world so opposite than my own. The warm feeling of entering the world of this character was pure escapism, but at the same time I see the immediate comparisons to my life, or at least my choices in the opposite sex. Hank Moody, the attractive tornado of drama moving randomly through women's lives, considers himself a feather in the wind, never accepting total responsibility for his actions. Whether he's having a one night stand with a teen or bedding women that fall into his path immediately, his character is definitely flawed. He continues to make bad decisions, although often under the influence of anything to numb the hole in his heart left by his true love, and mother of his daughter. The general respect he has for each woman he sleeps with is admirable, an uncontrollable love for "the woman" in total, every intricate aspect of each character. He is conscious of his affect on them although incapable of turning a blind eye to the attention, obviously initially filled by his soul mate. 

In comparison to my life, I see Hank in every man I have dated, bedded and known as a friend. My attraction to this type of character is not to heal him of his woes, or to tame him of his free spirit. Men are basic in my eyes, the ones more in control are harder to get to know truly, as they are as protected and controlled as I am. My last long term relationship was that perfect example, where it ended in confusion, as I questioned anything that happened for three years. Currently I feel as though Hank is actually part of my life, yet as infrequent as watching an episode monthly. He is like a tide, and although I originally confronted him in an inebriated state requesting his services, popping in and out of my life just enough to remind me he is around. 

The other night I expected some cameras and lights to appear as I was sure I was transported into a scene from Californication, all the characters from my life instead. A woman, whom has shared some intimate nights with this flawed man, approached me, questioning our relationship, her flawed mind sufficiently numbed by her own vices. I remember before arranging any intimate plans, his quick story of his tryst with her, and I being immediately disappointed. She and I are complete opposites, from my eyes, and I have known her as, being delicate, more open than me. Her dramatics like a halo surrounding her, enveloping anyone near her. I have always enjoyed both roads, high and low, and began with initial jealousy, Facebook information boring into my brain. Deleting that information, and sealing the deal with Mr. Flaw gave me a step up and I felt empowered, but not for long. I have had her in the dark corner of my mind until the other night. 

Like a flurry of tension, agitation and nervousness, possibly misconstrued as a concoction of her numbing-of-choice this evening, she began a conversation with me, regarding her work and such, the stress obviously spilling out threw her lips, as she spoke without breathing. The inevitable topic came up, and the bartender, bending his ear, backed away giving me a quick look of horror. It was as if she needed to get the information off her chest, her obvious jealousy and curiosity. I was in a scene from my favourite show! Do I take the high road or the low? I am always conscious of her random actions and reactions, and had to make a choice immediately. High road it was, as she began to spew out her thoughts on him and how she knew we were both utilizing him simultaneously, at least for awhile. She touted his expertise and attention to detail in the bed, as I slowly numbed a bit myself, and I listened intently, knowing I could be cut down like a huge cedar in seconds with one or two ill chosen words. Interrupting her oral diarrhea, I simply stated that my encounters were mediocre of the "many" times we have been together, pointing out his often misfortune of drinking too much, where his performance was hindered. She asked me how old I was, and I wondered why the question, considering it didn't seem to matter. I told her my ripe age of 43 and she not only fell off here chair (in her mind), but also saw the different connection he and I have, more in the realm of friends. I was on edge waiting for her to take the stab but she ended up complimenting me, astonished at my cool demeanor, confidence and ownership of my age, she being young enough to possibly be my daughter (if I had a child at 18). She immediately dwindled and fumbled through her conversation, my assumption being defeat in her pickled brain. I didn't feel like I won or lost but rather, I stood up to confrontation with poise and confidence.

feelings of jealousy and ownership are gone and I feel more in control than before, in more ways than one. Hank - expect a call soon...

Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter