Everyone likes to ignore or dismiss things in their life they don't like. I try my best to keep moving forward, staying focused on the positive. People or situations in my life that disappoint me or damage my spirit, get physically erased from my brain. I find that I hold a grudge longer than most and find every reason to keep it alive. Perhaps it is a natural defence mechanism, protecting my heart and feelings from being inundated anymore. I get harder and stronger shields every time I am hit with negative comments or fall out of a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic.
I am, or have become, a private person in my older years. Not that I am not social, but the walls go up, in preparation for the hurt even before it happens. There are certain limits to my space that I create, rarely reaching outside of the walls, but rather waiting for a knock on the door of my heavily fortified castle. The unfortunate thing is, I seem to get burned every time I open my heavy door. The outside made of heavy stone and brick, surrounded by a moat (of Heineken LOL) is the opposite of the interior of my world.
Inside the castle, the visitor sees the opposite, a Willy Wonka world of treats and comforts galore. I am a hostess, willing to make my visitor comfortable in any way. The interior design made of whatever desire my visitor yearns. This, of course, causes this person to return, and the cycle continues. I enjoy making people happy, and as long as they are smiling, I am content. I simply live for positive judgment from others. The funny thing is everyone I know sees me as a strong independent woman, who doesn't get dragged down by worrying what people think of me. I guess they only see the rock and brick armour of my exterior.
The latest damage to my fort, a failed relationship, yet again, is still eroding the barrier of my world. The end of our union was centered around my birthday. I have never celebrated my birthday with grandeur but I expect the loved ones in my life to notice and send me greetings on my day. He didn't know it was my birthday, and his excuse was because it wasn't on Facebook. I have heard some lame excuses in my day, but this one is pretty high on the list. Just like everyone today, social networking is a huge part of our lives, from Facebook and Twitter, to simply texting and emailing instead of phoning or writing and speaking directly. I am just as much at fault, tumbling into the "Anti-social Network", rarely phoning, and utilizing all forms of networking possible. We discussed the issue after I had the worst birthday ever (thank you to everyone for all of your love on my birthday). We decided to try to make up and literally 5 days later, a missile hit the wall of my castle, and I walked.
I am quite content with the break up, which I fed him similarly on a Facebook sandwich, by changing my relationship status to single and "unfriending" him. Considering he decided that is the best way to gather information about me, like my birthday, I decided he needed to have it back in his face. The problem is, his profile status is still labelled as in a relationship. I immediately thought of the scene in the movie The Social Network with the enraged girlfriend, setting fire to the garbage can of her boyfriend over his "relationship status" (The Social Network girlfriend garbage fire scene). I laughed uncontrollably when I watched this scene. Now I see how I am digging a hole in my own castle, not him. It's bothering me, not him. If it is, he certainly would have changed it.
I remember the beginnings of social networking, the television show Sex and the City, where Carrie Bradshaw is a writer creating stories about her love life in New York city. There was a scene of one of her boyfriends, Burger, breaking up with her on a sticky note (Post It Break Up reaction- Sex and the City). This was when mobile phones were becoming popular, texting was new and "anti-social" behaviour was born. I wonder if what I did just perpetuates the way people socialize. I certainly helped to repair the walls of my surroundings, although without actually telling him to his face, the repairs are probably not as sturdy as they could be.
Blogging is my way of releasing built up stress and feelings, a personalized view of me. The Internet is similar to an eye level window into my castle. I have to have a connection to the outside world in some form. It's hard to really know me, if I am wearing a suit of armour. I wish one thing with all of this creative outlet blogging...I want to be able to open my doors with ease and remove the armour. Although this allows me to drop the walls, making me look in the mirror and criticize myself, I never seem to change. Am I an old dog? Am I capable of learning new tricks?
Do the monsters need to be confronted face to face? Are they the monsters or am I the monster?