Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Delete.....







animated countersEveryone likes to ignore or dismiss things in their life they don't like. I try my best to keep moving forward, staying focused on the positive. People or situations in my life that disappoint me or damage my spirit, get physically erased from my brain. I find that I hold a grudge longer than most and find every reason to keep it alive. Perhaps it is a natural defence mechanism, protecting my heart and feelings from being inundated anymore. I get harder and stronger shields every time I am hit with negative  comments or fall out of a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic. 



 
I am, or have become, a private person in my older years. Not that I am not social, but the walls go up, in preparation for the hurt even before it happens. There are certain limits to my space that I create, rarely reaching outside of the walls, but rather waiting for a knock on the door of my heavily fortified castle. The unfortunate thing is, I seem to get burned every time I open my heavy door. The outside made of heavy stone and brick, surrounded by a moat (of Heineken LOL) is the opposite of the interior of my world. 
 
Inside the castle, the visitor sees the opposite, a Willy Wonka world of treats and comforts galore. I am a hostess, willing to make my visitor comfortable in any way. The interior design made of whatever desire my visitor yearns. This, of course, causes this person to return, and the cycle continues. I enjoy making people happy, and as long as they are smiling, I am content. I simply live for positive judgment from others. The funny thing is everyone I know sees me as a strong independent woman, who doesn't get dragged down by worrying what people think of me. I  guess they only see the rock and brick armour of my exterior.
 
 The latest damage to my fort, a failed relationship, yet again, is still eroding the barrier of my world. The end of our union was centered around my birthday. I have never celebrated my birthday with grandeur but I expect the loved ones in my life to notice and send me greetings on my day. He didn't know it was my birthday, and his excuse was because it wasn't on Facebook. I have heard some lame excuses in my day, but this one is pretty high on the list. Just like everyone today, social networking is a huge part of our lives, from Facebook and Twitter, to simply texting and emailing instead of phoning or writing and speaking directly. I am just as much at fault, tumbling into the "Anti-social Network", rarely phoning, and utilizing all forms of networking possible. We discussed the issue after I had the worst birthday ever (thank you to everyone for all of your love on my birthday). We decided to try to make up and literally 5 days later, a missile hit the wall of my castle, and I walked. 

I am quite content with the break up, which I fed him similarly on a Facebook sandwich, by changing my relationship status to single and "unfriending" him. Considering he decided that is the best way to gather information about me, like my birthday, I decided he needed to have it back in his face. The problem is, his profile status is still labelled as in a relationship. I immediately thought of the scene in the movie The Social Network with the enraged girlfriend, setting fire to the garbage can of her boyfriend over his "relationship status" (The Social Network girlfriend garbage fire scene). I laughed uncontrollably when I watched this scene. Now I see how I am digging a hole in my own castle, not him. It's bothering me, not him. If it is, he certainly would have changed it.
 
I remember the beginnings of social networking, the television show Sex and the City, where Carrie Bradshaw is a writer creating stories about her love life in New York city. There was a scene of one of her boyfriends, Burger, breaking up with her on a sticky note (Post It Break Up reaction- Sex and the City). This was when mobile phones were becoming popular, texting was new and "anti-social" behaviour was born. I wonder if what I did just perpetuates the way people socialize. I certainly helped to repair the walls of my surroundings, although without actually telling him to his face, the repairs are probably not as sturdy as they could be. 
 
Blogging is my way of releasing built up stress and feelings, a personalized view of me. The Internet is similar to an eye level window into my castle. I have to have a connection to the outside world in some form. It's hard to really know me, if I am wearing a suit of armour. I wish one thing with all of this creative outlet blogging...I want to be able to open my doors with ease and remove the armour. Although this allows me to drop the walls, making me look in the mirror and criticize myself, I never seem to change. Am I an old dog? Am I capable of learning new tricks?

Do the monsters need to be confronted face to face? Are they the monsters or am I the monster?




    
 









Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Laughter is the Best Medicine


So, regardless of my current situation, I have not turned down the dark road of depression. Why should I? I wasn't done wrong but rather made a wrong decision. I could feel sorry for myself and pout, but why? I did no wrong unless giving too much is a bad thing. I unfortunately received little in return. 

Enough of that millisecond of my life. I have filled my time laughing about the matter. The joke is on him, where the whole situation has been ridiculed to death. It seems to be so hilarious that now people are giving me 'the finger' randomly to get a laugh. I woke this morning with sunshine in my eyes and a smile on my face, as I realized those worries were gone. Sure, my cell phone is quiet, no one texting me every hour or so, but I understand those messages were hollow reassurances to keep me around. 

I watch the news of politicians cheating on their wives. My favourite tv show is The Good Wife. I wonder how I could possibly want to trust a man again. I am like an M&M to these guys - hard and crunchy on the outside and soft and sweet on the inside. I need to change that, or rather find someone who doesn't take advantage of my altruism. 

I understand that relationships are work, and that it's hard to find a great man, but I am starting to believe that I am a fly strip for losers. Do I set my expectations too high so disappointment is inevitable? Do I set them too low so that I am bound to date Mr. Wrong? 

I think I'll pull back and be an observer for awhile. 
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge
animated counters
Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter

Monday, May 16, 2011

Never Bite the Hand That Feeds You


Unfortunately, I am again single, but I also look at it as fortunate. Three months in I was not in too deep, and I could see the light and the entrance of the 'so-called' tunnel of love I rode in on, sitting on the back of a swan with my 'pitbull'. At closer look, I realized the swan was made of cheap plastic, the tunnel was not full of love but greed, and my 'pitbull' was more damaged than ever. Noticing the damage first, I tried to patch the holes with TLC and medical visits, in hopes to partner up and take on his issues as a team. Little did I know that the hole was very deep and widening day by day. In addition, the damage was done so long ago, the scar tissue would never allow the wound to heal.

My Pitbull was not the happy puppy I thought. He was expecting everything but a
partner. He was looking for a mommy, sugar mamma, nurse, and buddy. His world the only experience he knew and a closed mind to anything or anyone else. He did what he wanted and bit when judged of his actions. His need to compete against anyone limited his ability to open up and accept others as equals. In his mind, he was always in need of attention.

Well, he bit the hand that fed him for the last time. Disrespecting my line of work, he decided tipping was unimportant and that the hospitality industry is not deserving of his money. I cut the leash once the bite broke my flesh, blood trickling from my hand. A simple gesture of flipping the middle finger at me, my job and my opinion on tipping, fueled my walk to the door to leave for good.

Enjoy your life, closing the door on people. You have managed the strengthen the walls of my heart, similar to your tough and impenetrable heart, which needs an external machine to keep it from stopping. My heart needs no help, as I am a better person without your issues filling my life with worry and stress. Run away little Pitbull with your tail between your legs. My bite wound will heal but your gaping wound will never close.


Jen McIntyre | Create your badge
animated counters
Betting on the horses is like gambling in online casinos. When you look for online craps
the Internet should be a good way to start. Give me a brick and mortar casino for my gambling anytime. site counter