Monday, January 10, 2011

10 Days In...

January 2011. 10 days have passed and it has gotten bitterly cold outside. Listening to John Mayer and glancing through a single paned window as I sip on water and a single rye and coke extra tall. Ashen faces pass by the glass in the dark, some peering in to see if there is any life inside the bar. It's amazing how the cold weather takes the color out of the world. The chill not only washes out the vibrancy of the city but also the people. I love the cold, the biting pinpricks on my face waking me from my doldrums.

It has been even longer since I became a single woman. About 50 days have passed. I have to admit, having the safety net removed is an uncomfortable feeling. I have never looked down from my perch, assuring my subconscious that I won't fall; the woven net always securely positioned below me. I have no need for such a thing, confident in myself, willing to admit my foolish mistakes. My life has always been mine and I am the doorkeeper. Perhaps I need a bouncer at times, popping open the door a smidgen, only to be fooled.

I look back and remember being told by a friend that people are always hitting on me, or attempting to get me to open the door. For some reason, perhaps because of the height of my perch, I never even hear the knocking. I don't even notice the glances, the friendly conversations, the attention; I rack it up to people wanting my friendship. Recently I was told that I was hard to talk to, and I was a bit surprised but not upset at all.

Self confidence is considered a desirable characteristic for women, and I pride myself on slowly building my self confidence. I used to be a bit shy when it came to meeting new people, always worrying about what they thought of me. As I aged I learned that it doesn't matter what they think, changing for others dampens your inner being. I spent many years slowly being whittled down in relationships, starting out confident and happy with myself, and ending with a feeling of emptiness, giving all and receiving nothing in return.

Now I am 42 years young and enjoy going out to my local drinking hole, talking to the regulars, always hopeful to see a new fresh face. Perhaps, one of those fresh faces may glance my way and try my door. I have recently been opening the door, and some of those regular faces have been there. Some have washed up, put on shiny new clothes, and some not. Regardless, I have had fun getting to know each of you.

Hope is still there. I will never be alone as I have all of you.
Jen McIntyre | Create your badge

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