Saturday, October 20, 2007

On Loneliness....


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptinessisolation. Loneliness is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world.

So it's Saturday night, I'm here in front of my computer about to settle in for the evening. Although I am financially disabled at the moment, I have decided to stay in, regardless of easily finding money in hiding spots amongst my assets. Although I have chosen to be away from the crowd, I know it is not from mere selection but rather from an overwhelming feeling I can't seem to avoid. I know that any of you who know me would think I was being melodramatic; that I am a strong, independent, beautiful woman who could never be lonely just because it doesn't fit into my personality traits. "Impossible!" Well, SURPRISE!

I am sipping my Earl Grey tea, nibbling on cinnamon sugar toast, and wondering how I could be lonely? Is this a latent reaction to my decision to become single once again? Is it the remnants of the pain induced by a recent lost friend? Is it a natural, and BETTER, reaction to PMS, rather than the uncontrollable anger and indecisiveness I usually experience monthly? Could it be the nasty gray and rainy weather we have had for far too long--isn't it Vitamin D for lack of sunshine? Am I on the brink of a bout of depression? Is my age catching up with me, and all the things I never did?

If I had to choose an answer from the above selection, it would have to be a touch of ALL OF THE ABOVE. I have been feeling a bit separate from the gang down at the bar...not even sure why. At work, I've been there, doing my job, but not anything out of the ordinary. I'm there in body but not in mind. I feel slightly uneasy as if my Sous Chef is undermining me , but not begrudgingly, just to better the kitchen and menu, and probably himself. The funny thing?--I am not worried. Somehow I'm not insecure about the situation. As a matter of fact, it may be the fire I have needed under my ass for quite awhile. This time the improvement would be for me, not for whomever is near me at the time.

I was watching the last episode of ER and the character Abby said she "especially hated doing this alone" and her friend said "you're not alone". That triggered this line of thought in my case. Maybe I never realized that I have been alone for quite awhile because I always kept busy to avoid any signs of weakness. I haven't had a "best" friend--someone I can share anything with--forever. In the past these people either hurt me in a way that the hatchet couldn't be buried deep enough, or they simply disapear. I somehow move on with my life and my friends seem to drift away. Well, I know I should actually say, I drift away. Why is that? Have I always felt separate from everyone?

Well, to combat my loneliness I have managed to spend too much money hanging out at the bar with my bar-mates. I have become a "contestant" on the love on-line Olympics, and am known to chat with pals all over the world that I have met through a chat board on mirc. Am I just too scared to be alone? Do I have to stay busy to get over this weird feeling? I feel like a stamp or sticker that is starting to peel away from the surface to which it is adhered.

Well, if I don't get pulled into cyber-world, chatting with my new pal on-line, I will venture out for a nice walk. It may be dark out, but it is not raining...FINALLY... Perhaps some fresh air will make me feel better....


PS Sorry about the lack of my humorous pics but there is a problem with the blogger site and it is currently being dealt with....."my blog is so NAKED and LONELY"...

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